#1
This is my first attempt at songwriting, so be gentle ha. c4c

Before we start, let us make it clear that this song is not directed at the Christian religion solitarily. It is more directed towards any and all monotheistic and polytheistic religions.

Your Shallow Grave
A Perfect Drowning

Bullets flying across the desert.
This endless contest, over imaginary friends.
So many of my brothers hurt.
Your god watching their lives end.

Blood spilled,
Tears cried,
Brothers leave
Just to go die.

Here lies the men of bravery.
Who fought for what they believed.
While they were in religious slavery.
If it was up to God you'd be the next one,
Lying in your shallow grave, away from the sun.

Cries can still be heard,
From the blood stained soil.
Your justification still blurred.
Denial of logic, for fear that your flesh will boil.

Blood spilled,
Tears cried,
Brothers leave
Just to go die.

Here lies the men of bravery.
Who fought for what they believed.
While they were in religious slavery.
If it was up to God you'd be the next one,
Lying in your shallow grave, away from the sun.

Their souls in imaginary hands,
A figment deciding their fates.
Yet you travel from your families to other lands,
Hoping to save their souls from the damned gates.

Blood spilled,
Tears cried,
Brothers leave
Just to go die.

Here lies the men of bravery.
Who fought for what they believed.
While they were in religious slavery.
If it was up to God you'd be the next one,
Lying in your shallow grave, away from the sun.

Blood spilled, (For what?)
Tears cried, (Wasted.)
Brothers leave (Pointless.)
Just to go die. (In vain.)

Here lies the men of bravery.
Who fought for what they believed.
While they were in religious slavery.
If it was up to God you'd be the next one,
Lying in your shallow grave, away from the sun.

Here lies the men of bravery.
Who fought for what they believed.
While they were in religious slavery.
If it was up to God you'd be the next one,
Lying in your shallow grave, away from the sun.
Last edited by PerfectDrowning at Mar 7, 2008,
#3
I thought that your verses flowed very smoothly and it is a very good topic to right about.
all and all it made me think.

Very good
#4
Quote by PerfectDrowning


Thanks for getting to mine. Oh, and after reading this once before digging in... there is no "being gentle" so please don't take this as me being an asshole, just me trying to help you improve as a writer.


Bullets flying across the desert.
This endless contest, over imaginary friends.
So many of my brothers hurt.
Your god watching their lives end.

You start out with an ok image. Its cliche in some form of the word, sort of just feels like its been done before by every political punk band... which makes it not have as much zip as I would have hoped for. Then second line... this just seems clumsy. Like you wanted to say something, but couldn't do it. What are imaginary friends in this stanza? You assume the reader should put that together, but honestly there isn't enough here to put together who the "imaginary friends" are. Then, line 3 is ok... but again... just seems to blunt and straightforward to be effective. There is a phrase, "show me, don't tell me." Here you are telling me, you are announcing this. Instead, construct an image. Don't get stuck in 4 lines stanzas... you could have done a lot with this... introduce a character to take a bullet... anything. Take out the "your" in the last line... we get your point, but you don't need to blame the reader... its a turn off to the piece.

Blood spilled,
Tears cried,
Brothers leave
Just to go die.

This sucked. It may work well in the song... but as a stand alone lyric with "meaning" it was awful. Blood spilled... that was so common and boring. Tear cried.... that was common and boring. Brother's Leave just to go die... it was an easy rhyme that everyone saw coming, it was a weak image... generally you are saying some heavy shit here... but doing so in such a plain and common way that it doesn't have near the impact you had hoped for.

Here lies the men of bravery.
Who fought for what they believed.
While they were in religious slavery.
If it was up to God you'd be the next one,
Lying in your shallow grave, away from the sun.

I know you wanted the rhyme, but "men of bravery" just sounds sloppy and ass backwards, brave men just sounds better to me. Also, its a comma after bravery and no period or anything after believed. TO be honest, I hate the transfer from political (desert reference) to religious. Seems like you didn't draw enough of a connection between the "war" and the "God" to make the transfer really work. As a reader I'm left thinking, "So how is God responsible for this?" You mention him before as watching... but not controlling.

Cries can still be heard,
From the blood stained soil.
Your justification still blurred.
Denial of logic, for fear that your flesh will boil.

Again, back to more political... you take God out of this all together and mention "justification." Also, the end of the last line seemed like you were just stretching for a rhyme... it doesn't really relate much to the entire idea. Lines 1 and 2 were pretty good though. A little cliche, but not bad.

Blood spilled,
Tears cried,
Brothers leave
Just to go die.

Here lies the men of bravery.
Who fought for what they believed.
While they were in religious slavery.
If it was up to God you'd be the next one,
Lying in your shallow grave, away from the sun.

See Above.

Their souls in imaginary hands,
A figment deciding their fates.
Yet you travel from your families to other lands,
Hoping to save their souls from the damned gates.

Oh, ok, I see the imaginary friends above now... calling the different God's imaginary friends. Clever now that I see it. Might need to set that up a little better though above. I hate the "figment" without "of imagination" seems unfounded and a stretch for the reader to connect. I'd change the last line to this: "Hoping to save souls from the gates of the damned."

Blood spilled,
Tears cried,
Brothers leave
Just to go die.

Here lies the men of bravery.
Who fought for what they believed.
While they were in religious slavery.
If it was up to God you'd be the next one,
Lying in your shallow grave, away from the sun.

Blood spilled, (For what?)
Tears cried, (Wasted.)
Brothers leave (Pointless.)
Just to go die. (In vain.)

Here lies the men of bravery.
Who fought for what they believed.
While they were in religious slavery.
If it was up to God you'd be the next one,
Lying in your shallow grave, away from the sun.

Here lies the men of bravery.
Who fought for what they believed.
While they were in religious slavery.
If it was up to God you'd be the next one,
Lying in your shallow grave, away from the sun.



Well, I wasn't hugely impressed. You did manage to take a political/religious theme and make it tolerable which is a big improvement on what most beginning writers (myself included) can do. However, I might recommend that you stray away from doing political/religious pieces until you become really established as a good writer and have much more solid techniques, as it is something that is very difficult to effectively pull off. Instead, write about something more local to you and develop as a writer and then attack the bigger stuff later when you are more prepared to write a piece as controversial as these can be. Not awful, but not great either in my humble opinion.

Hope that all makes sense. Keep Writing.

-zC
#5
Thanks, for the critique Zanas. This piece was actually just something on my mind because earlier in the day I had gotten into a debate over the war, and we were discussing on the motives behind it. Opinions were being thrown around like dirty hookers in a Motel 8. So I kinda just wrote it out of that impulse.

BTW: The part about the justification, was about how both sides are trying to use their religion as an excuse on doing what they were doing. Everyone wants their religious opinions to be accepted but they aren't so then the bullets start flying.

I liked your idea on introducing a character into the idea. Kind of give a third person view, and set up a scenario that the reader can get into. All in all, I found this to be quite a learning experience and thank you for your input, also, I am definitely taking it into account.

___________________________
Your Shallow Grave
#8
i liked the chorus a lot. but a part seems too.....idk....If it was up to God you'd be the next one,
Lying in your shallow grave, away from the sun.. that part stands out and it throws the rest off......
#9
Ouch, another attack against religion.

I agree with Zanas Cross on it being a tad cliche. Hell, he did most of the critting for everyone else, so there's not much left to say.

Except that the first verse was very flimsy.
Bullets flying across the desert?
I mean, come on. That's a far cry from being imaginative.

The entire piece was a bit predictable, but I still read it from start to end, so it's not that bad, eh? I thought the chorus was an incredible let-down. I suppose it sounds nice in a song, but to read it as a stanza of prose, it was bad.
Just to go die?
That's an incredibly juvenile phrase. It spoiled the tone of the song, to be honest.

Now, if you can fit in some personal flavour and a more unique perspective, this would be a lot better. Until then.. crit my song. See ya.
#10
it feels a bit choppy when i sing it aloud or just say it
i think use too many words when ur trying to force a rhyme
Just because I play the drums doesn't mean I suck at guitar, or ams that I's iz stoopidz.


Space that ain't yours
#11
haha i love the crusades!!! (even though you made it clear it wasnt really about that). the only criticism i have is that the whole bullets flying thing is in fact cliche, i use it in my writing sometimes and i hate when i do it but sometimes you just get stuck. all in all it was decent, obviously you didn't write it in one sit down (i do for most of mine) but since it was your first time writing a song it was good.
When in doubt, sweep it out