#1
c4c, please leave a link, im not gonna go searching.

ots


How long can you let this build up?
Speak out; You are not made of steel
You shouldn't always shut up and try to stop,
sometimes its best to storm the bastille

How much can you let it eat you up till there's nothing left?
A black hole with a pull so strong not even light can escape,
or are you just trying to over feed her appeal?
sometimes it's best to storm the bastille

Fear has become your best friend; Opening up: your enemy.
Death is not a thing to mourn, not a thing to conceal,
so say your goodbyes; bid your ado's,
because tonight, we storm the bastille

Your prize? the kings head.
Last edited by thefoundationof at Mar 7, 2008,
#2
How long can you let this build up?
Speak out; You are not made of steel
You shouldn't always shut up and try to stop,
sometimes its best to storm the bastille

Great imagery here, I can feel the tension building in this stanza. It's like watching a movie. Perhaps you should use a more sophisticated term than "shut up". It doesn't seem to fit to me, the language in the rest of the lyrics conflict with it.

How much can you let it eat you up till there's nothing left?
A black hole with a pull so long not even light can escape,
or are you just trying to over feed her appeal?
sometimes it's best to storm the bastille

You are referring to "her" in this stanza. I like this vagueness, it leave room for the imagination. Nothing negative in this part.

Fear has become your best friend; Opening up: your enemy.
Death is not a thing to mourn, not a thing to conceal,
so say your goodbyes; bid your ado's,
because tonight, we storm the bastille

Your prize? the kings head.
Very nice, no complaints.


You have a talent for setting up your image and using it. Very nice work here. Reading this made me pine for A Tale of Two Cities, the imagery and your language in this piece is absolutely astounding. I enjoyed reading this, and hope to see more from you.

_______________________________

Your Shallow Grave
#6
How long can you let this build up?
Speak out; You are not made of steel

Love those lines. Unabashed. I think a lot of people know someone they'd like to say this to.

You shouldn't always shut up and try to stop,
sometimes its best to storm the bastille

You need an apostrophe in "its", but you probably know that. Not sure if I like the steel and bastile rhyme but depending on how it's sung you might be able to pull it off. As previously stated, the imagery is nice and it makes me wonder what the song is about right off the bat.


How much can you let it eat you up till there's nothing left?
A black hole with a pull so strong not even light can escape,
or are you just trying to over feed her appeal?
sometimes it's best to storm the bastille

The repitition of the bastile line made me change my mind about using it in the first stanza. Very strong set of lines here.

Fear has become your best friend; Opening up: your enemy.
Death is not a thing to mourn, not a thing to conceal,
so say your goodbyes; bid your ado's,
because tonight, we storm the bastille

Hmm. Now I really am contemplating the meaning of this piece, which says a lot, since I usually wouldn't care. You get kudos for that. The last line is a little iffy. I think you should rephrase it to rhyme with "adieu" or add another word that rhymes with "bastile", maybe in the next line. I just don't think it ties up the piece as well as it could, but if you figure something out there, it could be pretty strong.

Overall it's pretty intriguing and I find myself still wondering what the purpose of it was; why you wrote it and what it's about. Nice work. Still needs some more attention, but nice work.

Hope you could find the time to crit my song? It's in the sig. The one called 1+1=1.
#8
maybe "bid farewell" in the 11th line?
would work with bastille in the next a little better.

I thought it was generally pretty strong..
you had some nice imagery but a couple parts
felt a little bland at times

"fear has become your best friend" is horrible, i think
just one of those boring metaphors that gets the point across with no real
style or originality.

same with the "eat you up" line, it seemed that metaphor really had no connection
with the rest of the piece, sure - what the metaphor was symbolising or whatever had
a connection, but "eat you up".. where else do you mention food? it looks like you're
using it just for the sake of it.
try and think of one that has some kind of a connection or something

the last line was pretty solid

generally, i enjoyed this, kudos.