#1
Uwell and Jasmine Nevelle lived in a small one bedroom house in Middletown, OH. Uwell was a retired freight-truck driver living out the rest of his days in quiet solitude. Jasmine never worked. When they married Uwell wouldn't allow it. In 1997 Uwell was diagnosed with type 2 diabetes and arthritis. Not only was he forbidden his favorites foods, he couldn't even grasp the utensils to eat the health food he was to ingest. In 2001 Jasmine started suffering from a mild form of dementia. She paced about her house forgetting where she was most of the time while Uwell sat in his reclining chair from sunrise to sunset, watching Bonanza in the mornings and Sanford and Son at night. Jasmine found herself forgetting recipes every day, so Hospice brought theire meals. Shoes in the refridgerator. Clothes in the cupboards. The two refused to be stuck in a nursing home and their children wouldn't allow it anyways. Uwell and Jasmine hadn't had sex in 23 years. Sometimes in the mornings Jasmine would wake up Uwell to see his hand resting softly across his genitals, which were of no use to him anymore.

One morning after Murder She Wrote, Uwell stepped into the bathroom to see Jasmine at the mirror, chopping her hair off with scissors.
"Mom, what're you doin'?"
"I...had a hair appointment, and I'm late....I've done this before..."
"Honey, stop it, you're taking it all off!"
Globs of hair plugged the sink and nestled on the tiling and toilet seat. There were traces of blood on the counters.
"Sweetheart, stop!"
Uwell wrestled the scissors out of her hands and the two fell to the floor.
They both started crying. While on the bathroom floor they agreed on what needed to be done.

Uwell and Jasmine sat on the end of the bed. Uwell hadn't used his Smith and Wesson since he lived on 25 acres of green land out in Cookeville, TN where he killed coyotes that wandered into his backyard. He would do it real quick like, he decided. Without warning her. A shot in her temple, followed immediately by a shot in his. He leaned over to her and kissed her on the cheek.
"I love you, sweetheart."
She looked at him and smiled.
"I'm sorry, can I help you?"
He burst into tears and fired a round into Jasmine's skull. She collapsed on the floor and died instantly, eyes open. Uwell stood up and placed the barrell firmly between both of his eyes. The pistol slipped out of his hands and under the bed. Startled, he sluggishly and painfully fell to his knees to retrieve the pistol from underneath the bed, but his arms wouldn't reach. He streteched and stretched and stretched and his wrists locked up. He screamed and hollered and couldn't reach the pistol. Jasmine's head blood slowly crawled towards his body. As his fingertips rested on the handle, the bedroom door was burst open and several officers pulled him to his knees.
"NO! No, you cock suckers! I have to do it! It's under the goddamn bed! She's waiting for me!!"
"Sir, calm down, stop this."
"You motherfuckers!! Let go of me, goddamnit! I have to GO! It's under the fucking bed, just let me grab it! She's waiting!!"
Uwell was placed in the back of a squad car and taken to the station.
Jasmine's body laid and bled on the floor until the ambulance showed up.
All of the neighbors had an opinion despite seeing nothing.

Thomas and Lindsey Nevelle arrived home that night from dinner to find three messages on their answering machine:
"We're calling regards to your bond. Service payments was recieved on February 13th. Please call for schedule of next -"
Next message.
"This is Gil. The 348's are in. Call me and we'll get our route for the next couple of weeks and -"
Next message.
"Thomas, this is mom and dad. We're both very sick. We want you to know that we love you very much, and we're not going to be a burden to anyone anymore. Me and your dad are going to go and be with God. We love you, sweetie."
Poor advice.
Last edited by stellar_legs at Mar 8, 2008,
#2
Songwriting and Lyrics? This is more of a short story then anything else.

EDIT: This was great? Are you kidding?

2nd Edit: Ok, it's just me. I don't like short story-poem hybrids that much in the first place, and the cursing rather put me off it before I could finish. Sorry.
Last edited by linear-equation at Mar 8, 2008,
#3
^

This was great.

A couple of parts read a little strangely and could do with a read-over and perhaps a careful re-wording, but this is probably one of my favourites, if not my favourite, piece from you. It absolutely connected.

EDIT: I agree that the short story, more prosey, format suits your writing better. It reads less restricted.
Last edited by skagitup at Mar 8, 2008,
#4
Could use a little bit of rewording in some spots, (I didn't like the "informed to eat" part for example, the word informed felt weird and out of place.) I noticed at least one spelling error ("recyling" chair), but spelling isn't a big deal.

As for the content, as usual I'll just say I loved it, and close my mouth before I get any more of your dick in it.
#5
Just wanted to say that it's "Wesson," not "Weston."

Otherwise, fantastic. Rather heartbreaking.
Quote by dudetheman
So what? I wasted like 5 minutes watching DaddyTwoFoot's avatar.


Metalheads are the worst thing that ever happened to metal.
#6
Hmm, lot of spelling errors. Damnit.

But thank you. Everyone.

Except that Perfect Circle guitar faggot who doesn't like stories.
Poor advice.
#7
Uwell and Jasmine Nevelle lived in a small one bedroom house in Middletown, OH. Uwell was a retired freight-truck driver living out the rest of his days in quiet solitude. Jasmine never worked. When they married Uwell wouldn't allow it. In 1997 Uwell was diagnosed with type 2 diabetes. Not only was he forbidden his favorites foods, he couldn't even grasp the utensils to eat the health food he was informed to eat. In 2001 Jasmine started suffering from a mild form of dementia. She paced about her house forgetting where she was most of the time while Uwell sat in his reclying chair from sunrise to sunset, watching Bonanza in the mornings and Sanford and Son at night. Jasmine found herself forgetting recipes every day, so Hospice brought theire meals. Shoes in the refridgerator. Clothes in the cupboards. The two refused to be stuck in a nursing home and their children wouldn't allow it anyways. Uwell and Jasmine hadn't had sex in 23 years. Sometimes in the mornings Jasmine would wake up Nevelle to see his hand resting softly across his genitals, which were of no use to him anymore.


Negatives:
Spelling, but nothing that doesnt look like typos. Other than that, why refer to Uwell as Nevelle, it really threw me off and I had to reread that sentence a few times to grasp it.

Positives:
Excellent imagery, this part gives a lot of essential information needed to make the rest of the story undertandable.


One morning after Murder She Wrote, Uwell stepped into the bathroom to see Jasmine at the mirror, chopping her hair off with scissors.
"Mom, what're you doin'?"
"I...had a hair appointment, and I'm late....I've done this before..."
"Honey, stop it, you're taking it all off!"
Globs of hair plugged the sink and nestled on the tiling and toilet seat. There were traces of blood on the counters.
"Sweetheart, stop!"
Uwell wrestled the scissors out of her hands and the two fell to the floor.
They both started crying. While on the bathroom floor they agreed on what needed to be done.


Negatives:
Any reason Jasmine is reffered to as "Mom" in the 3rd line? That is the only thing that really threw me off.

Postives:
Absolutely fantastic, I felt like I was watching a movie. It really just kinda leaves me in awe.


Uwell and Jasmine sat on the end of the bed. Uwell hadn't used his Smith and Weston since he lived on 25 acres of green land out in Cookeville, TN where he killed coyotes that wandered into his backyard. He would do it real quick like, he decided. Without warning her. A shot in her temple, followed immediately by a shot in his. He leaned over to her and kissed her on the cheek.
"I love you, sweetheart."
She looked at him and smiled.
"I'm sorry, can I help you?"
He burst into tears and fired a round into Jasmine's skull. She collapsed on the floor and died instantly, eyes open. Uwell stood up and placed the barrell firmly between both of his eyes. The pistol slipped out of his hands and under the bed. Startled, he sluggishly and painfully fell to his knees to retrieve the pistol from underneath the bed, but his arms wouldn't reach. He streteched and stretched and stretched and his wrists locked up. He screamed and hollered and couldn't reach the pistol. Jasmine's head blood slowly crawled towards his body. As his fingertips rested on the handle, the bedroom door was burst open and several officers pulled him to his knees.
"NO! No, you **** suckers! I have to do it! It's under the goddamn bed! She's waiting for me!!"
"Sir, calm down, stop this."
"You mother****ers!! Let go of me, goddamnit! I have to GO! It's under the ****ing bed, just let me grab it! She's waiting!!"
Uwell was placed in the back of a squad car and taken to the station.
Jasmine's body laid and bled on the floor until the ambulance showed up.
All of the neighbors had an opinion despite seeing nothing.

No negatives here. I love this, there is no better way to describe it.

Thomas and Lindsey Nevelle arrived home that night from dinner to find three messages on their answering machine:
"We're calling regards to your bond. Service payments was recieved on February 13th. Please call for schedule of next -"
Next message.
"This is Gil. The 348's are in. Call me and we'll get our route for the next couple of weeks and -"
Next message.
"Thomas, this is mom and dad. We're both very sick. We want you to know that we love you very much, and we're not going to be a burden to anyone anymore. Me and your dad are going to go and be with God. We love you, sweetie."</font>

Please quit your day job. PLEASE! I loved reading this, the emotion was overflowing. Not one cliche, the wording was excellent, and my favorite part was the imagery. That is the main thing I look for when I critique, and this piece had loads of imagery. I cannot wait for your next piece, take a look at my song "Your Shallow Grave" its in the sig.

________________________
Your Shallow Grave
#8
Alot of old married couples refer to themselves as mom and dad. My grandparents do. I know alot of old couples that do as well. It's just a midwest thing, maybe. I don't know.
Poor advice.
#10
Quote by stellar_legs
Uwell and Jasmine Nevelle lived in a small one bedroom house in Middletown, OH. Uwell was a retired freight-truck driver living out the rest of his days in quiet solitude. Jasmine never worked. When they married Uwell wouldn't allow it. In 1997 Uwell was diagnosed with type 2 diabetes and arthritis. Not only was he forbidden his favorites foods, he couldn't even grasp the utensils to eat the health food he was to ingest. In 2001 Jasmine started suffering from a mild form of dementia. She paced about her house forgetting where she was most of the time while Uwell sat in his reclining chair from sunrise to sunset, watching Bonanza in the mornings and Sanford and Son at night. Jasmine found herself forgetting recipes every day, so Hospice brought theire meals. Shoes in the refridgerator. Clothes in the cupboards. The two refused to be stuck in a nursing home and their children wouldn't allow it anyways. Uwell and Jasmine hadn't had sex in 23 years. Sometimes in the mornings Jasmine would wake up Uwell to see his hand resting softly across his genitals, which were of no use to him anymore.


that one phrase is kind of awkward... i think there may be a missing word?

other than that, this was really great. i was so prepared to hate it because it was set in ohio, but i got over that really quickly. nice work.
when birds flap their wings do the make believe they're really arms?
#12
"Not only was he forbidden his favorites foods, he couldn't even grasp the utensils to eat the health food he was to ingest." i think should be "Not only was he forbidden his favorites foods, he couldn't even grasp the utensils to eat them."
#13
^That would work. I spent so long just trying to get that fucking sentence down and eventually gave up on it.

I don't know what's wrong with me.
Poor advice.
#14
Though I was thrown off by that first guy's comment, I went on to read the story from my own point of view and I liked it.

It reminded me of that kid's show Courage The Cowardly Dog, haha. I used to watch it when I was younger. As previously stated, I thought the cursing lowered the quality of this but I suppose that's just preference.

My favorite line, by far: "All the neighbors had an opinion but said nothing."

Brilliant. It just describes the whole rural Southern or Midwest attitude...everyone having a definite opinion, but keeping it to themselves.

The ending was so tragic and heartwrenching and I hate that those damn cops couldn't just let him be with her. It was really sweet. Some parts made it confusing as hell, but reading it a couple times helps it make more sense, and overall it was nice.

Hope you find time to crit my song? It's in the sig.
#15
^That would work. I spent so long just trying to get that fucking sentence down and eventually gave up on it.

I don't know what's wrong with me.

it's a pretty important sentence. i probably wouldn't be happy with anything i came up with either.

great piece, by the way. i've been wanting to write a elderly double-suicide piece for the longest time, but couldn't think of a captivating story. the whole dropping the shotgun thing was perfect. so fuck you for that.
#16
This is based on a true story.

This is how my cousin's dad's parents died. After he shot her he was arrested, but released under some kind of circumstances. He died about a month after being released.

Tragic stuff. Runs in the family.
Poor advice.
#17
Quote by rockergirl1122

It reminded me of that kid's show Courage The Cowardly Dog, haha. I used to watch it when I was younger. As previously stated, I thought the cursing lowered the quality of this but I suppose that's just preference.




Two things I agree with, Courage (terrifying show!) and her stance on the cursing. I personally wasn't too into the swear words, but they did NOT stop it from being an absolutely fantastic piece. The extent to which I reacted emotionally to this was shocking to me. I will read it again and see if i can find anything specific that i disagreed with, but very, VERY good work.
Quote by skater dan0
...and the bassist comes up to the EQ and moves all the sliders into the typical smiley face pattern and in a really thick Jamaican accent said "you can't have de bass without de smiley face"
#18
I don't understand everyone's disdain for the swearing, which is evident in almost everything I do.

It's a desperate old man who fucked up something very big. It seemed natural to me. Almost neccesary.
Poor advice.
#19
Situationally it definitely make sense. It just threw me off a bit with the simple sentence structures and laid back nature of the piece during the build-up, but I guess the swearing contributes to the climax and I certainly agree that in an unfortunate situation such as this, the strictest Christian would swear like a sailor.

And, btw, not everyone is familiar with your stuff, Shakespeare.

But as previously stated, it was more about personal preference than anything. Artistically it didn't take away from the piece.
Last edited by rockergirl1122 at Mar 8, 2008,
#20
honestly, i didn't notice the swearing. i actually had to go back and read through it to figure out what everybody was talking about. i agree with you, it was completely necessary. maybe if some people aren't used to swearing it would be a bit of a shock, but i probably would have been more shocked by a stoic or calmer reaction from the old man.

sorry, this comment is probably unnecessary, i just had to say you weren't wrong about the profanity.
when birds flap their wings do the make believe they're really arms?
#23
Yeah Randy, I thought your narrative tone throughout this is the best example I have seen from you when you write in this prose format. The actual reason for him picking her off wasn't quite as convincing as it could have been, and I get that it was cause they were old and all, but I am sure if you had more time to expalin without making this deathly long, it would be more confirmed.

Other than that, I continue to enjoy your stuff man. I can only see you improving in the future, so that should exciting for us and you.

My latest should be somewhere on the front page.
#24
This is the only piece of writing, hell, the only anything, that I was able to empathize and feel sorry for a man unable to take his own life.

Great job.
Quote by joeyj123
there are 11 words in 'the alphabet'
#25
I haven't been on these forums in years, but I did spend a lot of time in here back in the day. I haven't read anything by an amateur writer that's moved me/wanted me to write better as much as this thing. It's been 8 years since I read it, but it's still the first thing I thought of when I came back to this forum today. It's what I thought of when I heard that Sun Kil Moon Benji record too. Slightly rambling now, but if OP is reading this, this piece is so good some dude who read it 8 years earlier still remembers it. Hope you're still writing.
#27
I'm ever so glad that this got bumped back up. It was one of my favorites. There was so much unbelievable talent on this forum back then...
Quote by ottoavist

i suppose there's a chance
i'm just a litte too shallow to consider
that maybe i've been a little more eager
each day to wake up and take a shower
brush my teeth and smile for the mirror