#1
Well I just got done taking state tests and was bored so I decided to write a song. Just want some crit from people so please crit. and Please keep in mind i suck at writing. xD
anyways here it is


Time Goes On

The snow melts away
The sun shines bright
The leaves turn to brown
Time goes on as you just sit around

Time goes on
it doesnt wait
time goes on
it doesnt play
time goes on
it ticks away
time goes on
time goes on

live everyday like its your last
take some risks now and then
otherwise you will always wonder
about everything you could have been

Time goes on
it doesnt wait
time goes on
it doesnt play
time goes on
it ticks away
time goes on
time goes on

Time waits for no one
your clock's not set for long
so get out and do something
because time just goes on

Time goes on
it doesnt wait
time goes on
it doesnt play
time goes on
it ticks away
time goes on
time goes on


like i said... not that great but ya. =p
#2
No offense at all, but....

It's really bad. It's very repititive, and has several cliche rhymes. Just not good, sorry, keep trying.
#3
Now first of all, I would not necessarily call this piece bad. It is repetitive but it has a lot of meaning.


The snow melts away
The sun shines bright
The leaves turn to brown
Time goes on as you just sit around

The letter 'T' is very repetitive in this stanza. Reconstruct your lines to make it where 'T' isn't the beginning letter in each of the lines. Flow is decent though.

Time goes on
it doesnt wait
time goes on
it doesnt play
time goes on
it ticks away
time goes on
time goes on

Repetition is your friend, in smaller doses. If you continue to drill the phrase, "Time goes on" then it will lose its meaning.

live everyday like its your last
take some risks now and then
otherwise you will always wonder
about everything you could have been

Flow is inconsistent in those last two lines. Take away a few syllables and everything should flow nicely.

Time goes on
it doesnt wait
time goes on
it doesnt play
time goes on
it ticks away
time goes on
time goes on

***Critiqued above***

Time waits for no one
your clock's not set for long
so get out and do something
because time just goes on

Nice flow, nice message. Not much to critique here. Nicely done.

Time goes on
it doesnt wait
time goes on
it doesnt play
time goes on
it ticks away
time goes on
time goes on

***Critiqued above***


Over all this piece is okay. Not good not bad, but somewhere hanging out in limbo. It shows potential and could get better with a bit of tweaking. Keep it up, your doing great. Check out my piece "Your Shallow Grave" in the sig.

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Your Shallow Grave