#1
Inspired by a girl that i deeply love

Lingerie model with pretty brown hair
it seems to me that we go everywhere
if i could fit you in my pocket
wouldnt that just be a breeze

Lets buy a rose for each other
lets get on top of what we need to do
wrist is slippin can you kiss it for me?

Lingerie model out in front of the bed
cant seem to get you out of my head
your prettyness, is what i see
you make things such a breeze

Lets see our spirits rise
beautifully we are speaking now
feel my hand in your palm

pretty lady what are you doin tonight?
i can understand why we never ever fight
lets keep this going till the end of tonight
your so lovely wont we see what's right
Call me Sean
Quote by Nilpferdkoenig
He's just trying to protect our innocence.


Yes i am
Quote by :Vicious--

Your flirting powers are incredible.



Gear:
Schecter S1 Elite Black Cherry (Soapbar Neck, Invader Bridge)
Schecter Banshee
Orange Dual Terror
Boss CE-5
Goatkeeper
#2
You should use better diction and honestly "lingerie model" ina song sounds kind of awkward (even if she is a lingerie model in which case I can understand why you would deeply love her) But use more intersting lyrics other than that sounds good
#3
Lingerie model with pretty brown hair
it seems to me that we go everywhere
if i could fit you in my pocket
wouldnt that just be a breeze

I liked the flow in this it feels natural, the only thing that threw off the flow, however, was the word 'just'. Other than that nice work in this stanza.

Lets buy a rose for each other
lets get on top of what we need to do
wrist is slippin can you kiss it for me?

Flow is off in this one, get a drum beat going in your head and right your lyrics to it to keep your verses flowing smoothly.

Lingerie model out in front of the bed
cant seem to get you out of my head
your prettyness, is what i see
you make things such a breeze

Flow corrected, great job. Only thing is a spelling error, 'prettyness' should be 'prettiness'.

Lets see our spirits rise
beautifully we are speaking now
feel my hand in your palm

2nd line just feels (to me) like it has to many syllables and throws of the flow.

pretty lady what are you doin tonight?
i can understand why we never ever fight
lets keep this going till the end of tonight
your so lovely wont we see what's right

I like this stanza, except the last line. It feels like forced rhyming, it doesn't have to rhyme. Other than that nothing to complain about.

In conclusion, this song shows a lot of potential just so long as you correct some of the flow errors. Get sounding smooth, should be a great piece. Check out my song "Your Shallow Grave" in the sig

______________________________________
Your Shallow Grave
#4
To be honest I can't see this really flowing at all in a song, sorry. The word "breeze" at the end of two stanzas doesn't fit in at all and sounds out of place. It's a bit of a jumble. Still, there's some nice ideas there ("my wrist is slippin' can you kiss it for me?") so keep it up. Just remember that sometimes repetition isn't always good.
#5
section five i can understand, i can see the breeze thing, but idk, we probably write differently
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thanks for the full crit perfect drowning!
thanks guys i will take these into consideration
Call me Sean
Quote by Nilpferdkoenig
He's just trying to protect our innocence.


Yes i am
Quote by :Vicious--

Your flirting powers are incredible.



Gear:
Schecter S1 Elite Black Cherry (Soapbar Neck, Invader Bridge)
Schecter Banshee
Orange Dual Terror
Boss CE-5
Goatkeeper
#6
Quote by Guitarplaya27
Inspired by a girl that i deeply love

Lingerie model with pretty brown hair
it seems to me that we go everywhere
if i could fit you in my pocket
wouldnt that just be a breeze

"pretty" is a pretty goddamn terrible way to describe anything.
"wouldn't that just be a breeze"
well, since no one has said this since the 50s,
it just feels awkward. and aside from that, "just" is completely unnecessary.


Lets buy a rose for each other
lets get on top of what we need to do
wrist is slippin can you kiss it for me?

okay, so far you've been talking about how great this relationship is
and then suddenly "wrist is slippin can you kiss it for me?"
which, i'm not sure, but it implies that you're cutting your wrists.
i've never heard someone say "wrist is slippin" though, so that could mean something completely different than what it connotates.


Lingerie model out in front of the bed
cant seem to get you out of my head
your prettyness, is what i see
you make things such a breeze

"prettyness"? really? is that what you see?
"breeze"? again? twice in the same song?
try to avoid cliches, like rhyming "bed" with "head".


Lets see our spirits rise
beautifully we are speaking now
feel my hand in your palm

blah blah blah

pretty lady what are you doin tonight?
i can understand why we never ever fight
lets keep this going till the end of tonight
your so lovely wont we see what's right

you're rhyming for rhyme's sake.
just so you know, you don't have to rhyme.
and maybe if you didn't, you might actually say something interesting,
and not sound like a 12 year old.




i've got something floating around on the first page if you feel like reading it.
#7
^ I agree with pretty much everything you said apart from the rhyming thing. I'm presuming this is a song - if so, he's not rhyming for rhyme's sake, he's rhyming because it helps resolve the melody and generally sounds alot better. Songs that don't rhyme generally suck ass.
#8
not a whole lot to comment on, i think it's a nice little song for sure.

Quote by Guitarplaya27
Inspired by a girl that i deeply love

Lingerie model with pretty brown hair
it seems to me that we go everywhere
if i could fit you in my pocket
wouldnt that just be a breeze
Aw. The idea of fitting in pocket is cool, makes for good imagery in this section.

Lets buy a rose for each other
lets get on top of what we need to do
wrist is slippin can you kiss it for me?
ok it might go against what you're looking to do, but i think it'd sound stellar if you made it something like 'your wrist is slipping, can i kiss it for YOU, making the last two lines rhyme
Lingerie model out in front of the bed
cant seem to get you out of my head
your prettyness, is what i see
you make things such a breeze
spelling error, also the last two lines seem to be a little forced, i don't think it's necessary to focus too much on rhyming in this section if it makes the flow a little awkward.
Lets see our spirits rise
beautifully we are speaking now
feel my hand in your palm

pretty lady what are you doin tonight?
i can understand why we never ever fight
lets keep this going till the end of tonight
your so lovely wont we see what's right

I'm personally not so much a fan of the last line, i don't feel like it flows well, but your rhyming works well and I like the theme of your song. Altogether, it's cute and maybe a little cliche but not in a bad way. good organization and nice job on the whole. if you have a sec, could you crit mine? it's in my sig. thanks!
Quote by skater dan0
...and the bassist comes up to the EQ and moves all the sliders into the typical smiley face pattern and in a really thick Jamaican accent said "you can't have de bass without de smiley face"
#9
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