#1
C4C.



the tortured soul a cliche
though better red than another grey
carry on the corpses rot

dead in stink and sweating box
where you are now matters not
carry on the corpses rot

but you'll live on, live on
forgive me if I'm wrong
but I'm not
deceased but not definitely lost

sound of organs fill your time
the tune is there but not the rhyme
carry on the corpses rot

brittle word and broken neck
flash of wrist and of death
carry on the corpses rot

but you'll live on, live on
forgive me if I'm wrong
but I'm not
deceased but not definitely lost

there's beauty in death yet
not always bitter, or the end
crack the code to living on
in free or form or in a song

forgive me if I'm wrong
but I'm not
deceased but not definitely lost
Last edited by Jammydude44 at Mar 9, 2008,
#2
i'm going to critique this piece of songwriting right this instant. after i have critiqued this piece of songwriting i will edit my critique of this piece of songwriting into this reply and you will have been critiqued.

please wiat.

EDIT: the first line was weak, i thought.
even mentioning "cliche" now has been overdone, although you kind of made up
for it with that next line, which i thought was great. "better red than another grey", so true.
i hate grey (people). "carry on the corpses rot" - i suppose that's a reference to the film
that you watched? To me, it just sounded horrible.
It reminded me of one of those metal bands who write about necrophilia.

"where you are now matters not" - I can't decide whether I loved that or hated it. The flow is marvelous but the sacrafice of sentence structure hurt my toes a tiny bit. It made my toes sting a little in a kind of irritating way but it also sent a shiver which i really
liked so i can't decide what to do about that. maybe eat it.

"forgive me if i'm wrong/but i'm not" - that was, again, weak.

i didn't notice any real "errors" in the rest that I would like to dance with.

but when reading the piece i felt like i was dueling with a masked warrior, and thus i couldn't tell whether i enjoyed the battle or not because i didn't know who he was
and thus i didn't know whether he was a good warrior or not. for this reason i
must conclude that if you want crits on a piece about a film it is advisable that
you recieve critiques from people who have watched said film otherwise everyone
will wear hats.

this was enjoyable but it felt coded.
Last edited by skagitup at Mar 9, 2008,
#3
If I had inspired by, not based on, a film, would that help?

I wish I hadn't said that now, it obviously affected your viewing of the piece.

No line is taken from the film or anything. In fact, the piece can stand on it's own two feet without the film.

I really regret opening my original post with that comment now,lol.

THanks for the quick reply and words, Alex.
#4
i thin k it did, though it's probably my fault. sorry about that.

i'll take another look at this tomorrow man, i'm quite drunk at the moment and all i can think about are ricochets and marmelades.