#1
To preface this, I have never submitted anything in my life and I'm a bit nervous to be honest. This is a short piece I wrote this afternoon (I'll let you guys guess how the weather is around my town). Thank you for reading it, I don't know what I'm doing but I'd be happy to crit-for-crit.


It rains and rains and rains. The neighbor kids wear their thumbs out on Gameboys while their forlorn snowman bids a las farewell from the side of the road. Misty gray cat peers out from under the lady across the street's porch, waiting in vain for the relentless drops to end.A blue station wagon chugs up the dreary road, looking for the family who moved to Wisconsin two years ago, after the fire. The man with the pair of greyhounds trudges through the slush to the mailbox in his old yellow poncho, waiting for news from his youngest daughter studying in Egypt. He clutches a battered envelope like it's made of gold. A crow pecks idly at a squirrel who couldn't make up her mind in time. One lonely peach-colored hibiscus flower observes the quiet street from its vantage point near the window in the dining room. The buds that had poked their incipient heads from the soil only days previously began to drown. The tired old Volkswagon rusts away at the curb of house 556, thinking back to California sun and the Pacific Coast Highway in better times. Annie thanks god for the rain while her dad opens another cold one before blaming global warming and switching on the nightly news. Down the street, Asher hasn't noticed the rain. He clutches his acoustic guitar and wishes for a new set of strings, or for his father to come home and tell him it wasn't his fault. Mrs. Powers sits in her comfy chair with a new book, enjoying the gentle pitter-patter above her. Mr. Powers wishes he was golfing.
Boy stares out of his window. He thinks about the city and airplanes and clouds and planets. He thinks about what came and what comes next. Slowly he drifts to sleep next to the darkening glass. And it rains and rains and rains.


Thank you for reading it
Quote by skater dan0
...and the bassist comes up to the EQ and moves all the sliders into the typical smiley face pattern and in a really thick Jamaican accent said "you can't have de bass without de smiley face"
Last edited by TagRingo at Mar 8, 2008,
#2
I'm swamped right now, but let me say this:

Very impressive debut. Very impressive.
Welcome.
Poor advice.
#3
I really like it. Was it meant as a lyrical passage or something centred more on, just, poetry and writting in general. I love the comparisons and descriptions. Not too poetic that it comes to pretentious. And the way it still feels down to earth and not just someone's abstract thoughts when they were high! Well maybe you were high, I don't know!
#4
(edited out some typos)

Thanks a ton for reading it, it really means a lot.

haha @ angrygoldfish, i was not high, they were actually just observations i took while looking out my window today and thinking. can i crit anything for either of you if i haven't already?
Quote by skater dan0
...and the bassist comes up to the EQ and moves all the sliders into the typical smiley face pattern and in a really thick Jamaican accent said "you can't have de bass without de smiley face"
#5
Yeah I've just wrote this now. Something inspired that has absolutely no relevance to the point of the song:

Factory Position

The circumstances never lie
The surroundings define them
And you are what you do
Not by the memories you inhibit

I'm in no position to judge
Standing here in the factory doors
Above cardboard floors
And broken heart stores

Swings and slides
All plastered with words
Words of no real meaning
But they will redeem some

I'm in no position to scowl
Standing here in the factory walls
Beside endless stalls
Of angry calls

This broken down factory
Never sucks up to success
It let itself fall into ruin
And I guess I'm there too

I'd hate to work in a factory
Even the painted ones
Its not the mindlessness
I guess its just not me

I'm in no position to judge
Standing here in the factory doors
Above cardboard floors
And broken heart stores
#6
Alright cool my comments are in blue.

Quote by AngryGoldfish
Yeah I've just wrote this now. Something inspired that has absolutely no relevance to the point of the song:

Factory Position

The circumstances never lie
The surroundings define them
And you are what you do
Not by the memories you inhibit
I love the line 'You are what you do'. I am confused, however about the following line.. erase the 'by'? or say not DEFINED by...? I'm just unclear about what part it's referring to.

I'm in no position to judge
Standing here in the factory doors
Above cardboard floors
And broken heart stores

I like your rhyme scheme here, one suggestion though, maybe if you made it "Standing here in the factory doors above cardboard floors OF broken heart stores? Otherwise I like this part.

Swings and slides
All plastered with words
Words of no real meaning
But they will redeem some

Great 'playground' imagery here, contrasts really well with the 'factory' theme..any reason it didn't rhyme?

I'm in no position to scowl
Standing here in the factory walls
Beside endless stalls
Of angry calls

This broken down factory
Never sucks up to success
It let itself fall into ruin
And I guess I'm there too


Not much to say except i like that you didn't just repeat, you modified, giving more body to the 'factory'

I'd hate to work in a factory
Even the painted ones
Its not the mindlessness
I guess its just not me
I'm not quite sure why but I really liked this bit, especially the beginning 'I'd hate to work..' Again though, your occasional rhyming confuses me. it's not a BAD thing, just sort of unconventional, which can be great. I guess actually hearing a version of this would help a little more there, because the flow of the song will depend a lot on the voice and instrumentation, etc.

I'm in no position to judge
Standing here in the factory doors
Above cardboard floors
And broken heart stores

Same comments as above for this oen


So I really really liked that one, you say you just wrote that out of nowhere? Man, I wish i had a knack for stuff like that. Great work, please keep me posted as the song progresses and thanks for your crit of my piece
Quote by skater dan0
...and the bassist comes up to the EQ and moves all the sliders into the typical smiley face pattern and in a really thick Jamaican accent said "you can't have de bass without de smiley face"
#7
What I liked most about this one was the plant and payoff with the beginning and the end: the double use of "it rains and rains and rains." I am almost always a fan of that literary technique because I think it adds a sense of simplicity to lyrics, poetry, etc. and if the theme is strong enough, it usually works.

I've always found the idea depicted in this intriguing; how so many different things can be going on at once in a mutually exclusive fashion, nothing really having to do with anything else, but there is such significance to each isolated event. I mean, the squirrel being eaten by the crow couldn't care less about Mr. Powers' desire to golf, but it doesn't change the significance of either situation.

Great work on this. I didn't think it was particularly artsy or poignant, honestly, but I'm sure you didn't think you were spitting Shakespeare when you wrote this one out. (I don't mean that in a rude way. It just comes off like you didn't really care about sounding overly deep, which can be a good thing, for sure.)


Your concepts are stronger than anything I've read today, and I've been reading quite a bit, so that is definitely a plus. You could've made it more poetic and detailed, yes, and I think that in this case it would have added to the overall appeal of the piece. But it was still very good.

If you have time, hopefully you'll crit the song 1+1=1 in my sig. Good luck with writing and keep posting your stuff!
#8
Quote by TagRingo


It rains and rains and rains. The neighbor kids wear their thumbs out on Gameboys while their forlorn snowman bids a las farewell from the side of the road. Misty gray cat peers out from under the lady across the street's porch, waiting in vain for the relentless drops to end.A blue station wagon chugs up the dreary road, looking for the family who moved to Wisconsin two years ago, after the fire. The man with the pair of greyhounds trudges through the slush to the mailbox in his old yellow poncho, waiting for news from his youngest daughter studying in Egypt. He clutches a battered envelope like it's made of gold. A crow pecks idly at a squirrel who couldn't make up her mind in time. One lonely peach-colored hibiscus flower observes the quiet street from its vantage point near the window in the dining room. The buds that had poked their incipient heads from the soil only days previously began to drown. The tired old Volkswagon rusts away at the curb of house 556, thinking back to California sun and the Pacific Coast Highway in better times. Annie thanks god for the rain while her dad opens another cold one before blaming global warming and switching on the nightly news. Down the street, Asher hasn't noticed the rain. He clutches his acoustic guitar and wishes for a new set of strings, or for his father to come home and tell him it wasn't his fault. Mrs. Powers sits in her comfy chair with a new book, enjoying the gentle pitter-patter above her. Mr. Powers wishes he was golfing.
Boy stares out of his window. He thinks about the city and airplanes and clouds and planets. He thinks about what came and what comes next. Slowly he drifts to sleep next to the darkening glass. And it rains and rains and rains.


Thank you for reading it


ok there's a lot that seems to be going on in this piece. Overall I like it. It would help if you had broken it into stanza's and specific lines because it would be easier to analyze, but it doesn't seem to be a song or poem so much as a lengthy description. It looks like you have a pretty tight knit community because you seem to know about the people a lot. Also their are a few things that seem to be just randomly.
thrown into the piece.

The final part describing you is my favorite. I think it put a nice twist into the plot line. This is especially effective because you gave us the background on the piece.
Finally I like the repetition of the first line in the conclusion it kind wraps everything up nicely. It also shows how all that thought and emotion was found just in a rainy day

great job
-Will
I smile because I have no idea whats goin on
#9
'Misty gray cat peers out from under the lady across the street's porch'

I am not sure if you meant to write this this way....I think you can reword this to make it sound a lot less clumsy.

Overall, I have never been too big of a fan of observational pieces like this, cause to me it almost seems like painting a potrait compared to painting what's in your mind. Idk, I just didn't get out of this what I was wanting.

But that does not mean I think your a bad writer or anything, for it is the exact opposite. You potential is very vast, and I could pick that up here and there with the way you handled things within this piece.

I guess what I am trying to say is that I would like to see some of these topics relate to each other, so that it seems less like you were just looking out the window when you wrote this. Have more of a purpose to write this, and I think you could have a fine piece on your hands.
#11
I enjoyed it. It paints a vivid portrait of a neighborhood scene, and also delves into peoples lives a bit, just enough to make the reader start to come up with his own plots. This makes the piece an enjoyable read and interesting.

The only thing I would suggest would be maybe changing your structure hear and there. Almost all the lines follow the same pattern, and begins to get repetitive and chant-like.
However this continued sentence structure also helps illustrate the monotony of a rainy day which helps enforce the tone as well.

Hope this helps you out, or gives you something to think about. Overall I enjoyed the piece, and I think any changes you do make (if any) should be minor ones.
#12
Quote by mtnboarder459

The only thing I would suggest would be maybe changing your structure hear and there. Almost all the lines follow the same pattern, and begins to get repetitive and chant-like.
However this continued sentence structure also helps illustrate the monotony of a rainy day which helps enforce the tone as well



Phew, that was what I was going for actually, but if it takes away I guess variation would make the piece more 'readable', so to speak. Thanks to everybody who looked it over.
Quote by skater dan0
...and the bassist comes up to the EQ and moves all the sliders into the typical smiley face pattern and in a really thick Jamaican accent said "you can't have de bass without de smiley face"
#13
Ah. Nice work. It's not the most digestible work, but in a way, it's still very accessible. I liked the way you utilised simple words to convey your message, as opposed to throwing in multiple long words that really mean nothing at all. Rather detailed description without rendering the whole thing as a boring passover, I like that.

Oh, and I thought the whole thing worked because it sounded like it was from the perspective of the boy. And that made it a whole lot cooler since it's in the third person point of view. Great work.
#14
God, the imagery is perfect. I could clearly picture evrything that was happening, plus you left room for the imagination to take hold. Some lines are rather clumsy and because there were no breaks or stanzas, it was rather hard to read and analyse. If you break it up a bit, or put it into stanzas, I will conduct an in depth analysis for you. As it is, this is the best I can do. C4C?
#15
Quote by kdownes
God, the imagery is perfect. I could clearly picture evrything that was happening, plus you left room for the imagination to take hold. Some lines are rather clumsy and because there were no breaks or stanzas, it was rather hard to read and analyse. If you break it up a bit, or put it into stanzas, I will conduct an in depth analysis for you. As it is, this is the best I can do. C4C?



thanks a ton which one of yours would you like me to crit, i promise i'll get to it but i'm a bit busy ATM
Quote by skater dan0
...and the bassist comes up to the EQ and moves all the sliders into the typical smiley face pattern and in a really thick Jamaican accent said "you can't have de bass without de smiley face"
#16
Oh, your good, i love what you have writen here, it would fit in to an album but i dont think its a song buy itself, its a good song to sit back and let you paint a picture in our minds and someting i would listen to at home but it means nothing to anybody and no one will here it and relate to it as there is no emotion to explore just observation. but i am well impressed. you can also have a look at mine if you like, im not great as it is the first song i have ever writen and lernt alot just reading from others but would appreciate your opinion
Thanks Tom
#17
mm soryr it took so long to get hte crit back.. huh i've NEVEr critiqued anything like this.. so bear with me. mm well over all i liked it?> it had very good descriptions. you have great diction. over all its great!. i'd say keep writting. but dont look to me to crit things like this lol. i'm more of a poet? or lyrical writter.. when you start throwing paragraphs at me i get lost LOL. but i can see a good writting when i read it and this is pretty good
It's not stalking to watch her sleep if she fell asleep watching a movie.
a silly wind
(\__/)
(='.'=) LoNg LivE tHe BunNy!
(")_(")
#18
I really loved it. It made a full world and left it all out to see, nice cutting around style, made everything feel observational. Well done.