#1
crit for crit

drink to the day

Close my eyes to see the world again
Live my lie, one day at a time
A transparent façade, a token to society
Wake up to see the same grim gloom

The florescent lights they hide the night
No safety in this veneer of white
No man woman nor child shall be spared
The souls he reaps from a garden of plastic

To close my eyes to death, to sleep
to Live again, through these dreams
These phantoms of hope; my aberration.
will Siphon the light from the day

I see what you saw before you slipped into gray
Nothing but your life of lies all in replay
The sycophant that accomplishes nothing
We are the quintessence of dust
It's not stalking to watch her sleep if she fell asleep watching a movie.
a silly wind
(\__/)
(='.'=) LoNg LivE tHe BunNy!
(")_(")
Last edited by me<-needs help at Aug 6, 2008,
#2
Quote by me<-needs help
crit for crit

drink to the day
Close my eyes to the world again
Live my lie, one day at a time
A transparent façade, a token to society
Wake up to see the same grim gloom


I like the way you start off this song. Interesting imagery, however it's a little confusing as to whether YOU (or the narrator) is the token to society or something else? I know it's kinda nitpicky. Otherwise I like the flow of this piece so far.

Quote by me<-needs help

The florescent lights they hide the night
No safety in this veneer of white
No man women or child shall be spared
The souls of men he reaps from the garden of illusions

In my opinion, a VERY strong opening to this bit, I like the first two lines a lot a lot a lot. Grammatically (sorry!) you could change it to no man womAn NOR child. The last line however confuses me a little. Is there any particular reason that it is longer and not quite rhythmically equal to the rest?

Quote by me<-needs help

To close my eyes to death, to sleep
Live again through these dreams
These demons of hope
Siphon the light from the day

Not a lot to say on this bit, I like the vocab you use actually, that has stuck out to me. I feel like it would be cool if you made it 'To close my eyes to death, to sleep/ TO live again through these dreams.."


Quote by me<-needs help

I see what you see before you slip into gray
Nothing but your life of lies all in replay
The sycophant that accomplishes nothing
We are the quintessence of dust


I think if the beginning of this rhymed (i see what you say before you slip into gray? idk) it would be really sweet, but it works well as it is, especially coupled with the second line. The last two lines sort of confuse me, but as the song writer they clearly have meaning to you. On an aside, I'm reading the 'his dark materials' trilogy again and that line about dust is really cool. Guess that goes to show you how people with different backgrounds can interpret songs differently. On the whole, i really like this song and would like to see how you end up editing it if you do and if you ever record a version of it.

f you have a sec and could crit my thing, i'd really appreciate it, it's my first post so idk. Link in a sec.


edit: here it is https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=807041
Quote by skater dan0
...and the bassist comes up to the EQ and moves all the sliders into the typical smiley face pattern and in a really thick Jamaican accent said "you can't have de bass without de smiley face"
#3
Quote by me<-needs help


drink to the day
Close my eyes to the world again
Live my lie, one day at a time
A transparent façade, a token to society
Wake up to see the same grim gloom
"close my eyes to the world again?" it doesn't make sense. "live my lie," is that supposed to be "life" or "lie" personally if it's "lie" it adds a differnt effect to it which is cool. "life" though is a bit cliche. The loast two lines are great. Nice imagery in this stanza.

The florescent lights they hide the night
No safety in this veneer of white
No man women or child shall be spared
The souls of men he reaps from the garden of illusions
AWESOME! I love it! though the last line seems too long.

To close my eyes to death, to sleep
Live again through these dreams
These demons of hope
Siphon the light from the day
great. This is quite good but I don't understand why the first line begins with a "to"

I see what you see before you slip into gray
Nothing but your life of lies all in replay
The sycophant that accomplishes nothing
We are the quintessence of dust
Superb ending, a really powerful stanza. But the last line seems a syllable too short


A really enjoyable piece. Great imagery. This is a crappy crit sorry. but I couldn't find much wrong with it. Great job.
#4
Quote by me<-needs help
crit for crit

drink to the day
Close my eyes to the world again
Live my lie, one day at a time
A transparent façade, a token to society
Wake up to see the same grim gloom

The florescent lights they hide the night
No safety in this veneer of white
No man women or child shall be spared
The souls of men he reaps from the garden of illusions

To close my eyes to death, to sleep
Live again through these dreams
These demons of hope
Siphon the light from the day

I see what you see before you slip into gray
Nothing but your life of lies all in replay
The sycophant that accomplishes nothing
We are the quintessence of dust


I can't really crit this without being biased. I have the exact opposite outlook on life that I feel is portrayed in this song. I really like the actual lyrics and the writing just not so much the subject matter. The use of metaphors was great sooo much better and deeper than I could have done. The actual lyrics and the writing seem to be well thought out and flowed very well. Now that I think about it I actually really like this song. Despite my values. Great Job

-Will
P.S. I needed to use a dictionary a few times
I smile because I have no idea whats goin on
#5
Quote by me<-needs help
crit for crit

drink to the day

Close my eyes see to the world again
Live my lie, one day at a time
A transparent façade, a token to society
Wake up to see the same grim gloom

I like this, seems good for an opening, only proble is the 3rd line, it seems like you dont give enough info, maybe its just me though.

The florescent lights they hide the night
No safety in this veneer of white
No man woman nor child shall be spared
The souls of men he reaps from the garden of tears

The last line sort of cuts the flow, I also dont really get how the first lines relate to the last lines, maybe im missing something.

To close my eyes to death, to sleep
to Live again, through these dreams
These demons of hope
Siphon the light from the day

eww demons, I think you could find a better work for demons here, its sort of cliche, imo. other than that, this is good.

I see what you see before you slip into gray
Nothing but your life of lies all in replay
The sycophant that accomplishes nothing
We are the quintessence of dust

Hmm, big words eh? tbh, it seems like you were writing the song halfway through, and someone told you to use big word, so you just threw a few here and there. Im not saying theres anything bad with that, thats just my impression. I can sort of see 2 different styles of writing in this piece. About the actual verse, I think it could work for an ending, I really liked the last 2 lines, these whole verse is nice.


Nice song, overall, I really cant find anything that really needs to be improved, sure it may need some polishing, but really nothing major. Good job, keep writing
#6
Close my eyes to see the world again
Live my lie, one day at a time
A transparent façade, a token to society
Wake up to see the same grim gloom
[i liked the first 3 lines.
they had great imagery, good wording.
the last line, however, doesn't really "fit", i guess.
it kind of throws off the flow of the first 3 lines.
goodjob overall, here, though!]


The florescent lights they hide the night
No safety in this veneer of white
No man woman nor child shall be spared
The souls of men he reaps from the garden of tears
[amazing! change nothing.
everything here FLOWS accordingly and
it's strong.]

To close my eyes to death, to sleep
to Live again, through these dreams
These phantoms of hope; my aberration.
Siphon the light from the day
[i love this here, also. it's got good flow.
good vocabulary. keep it up!]

I see what you saw before you slipped into gray
Nothing but your life of lies all in replay
The sycophant that accomplishes nothing
We are the quintessence of dust
[to start off, i liked the first two lines.
though, i had a small debate with myself
whether the "nothing but your life of lies all in replay"
needed to be shortened. no, it doesn't. i like it the
way it is.
the third line throws the first two lines off, and doesn't
set up a good "fit" for the last line.
the last line, just kind of STOPS.
what the heck? no. that's horrible.
you needing a closing point, and that's not a good one.]

overall, goodjob with this piece.
i liked it :]
#9
Close my eyes to see the world again
Live my lie, one day at a time
A transparent façade, a token to society
Wake up to see the same grim gloom

I really like these opening lines, however I feel the word facade might not be the best word to use. Just simply because everything is a "facade" these days, but that's just my opinion haha.

The florescent lights they hide the night
No safety in this veneer of white
No man woman nor child shall be spared
The souls of men he reaps from the garden of tears

These 4 lines however, are really good in my opinion. Very nice imagery. I would change the last line to "The souls of men reap from the garden of tears" though. I feel it would flow better that way.

To close my eyes to death, to sleep
to Live again, through these dreams
These phantoms of hope; my aberration.
Siphon the light from the day

Another strong set of lines, When you say "To close my eyes to death" do you mean the figure of death itself or the concept of death?

I see what you saw before you slipped into gray
Nothing but your life of lies all in replay
The sycophant that accomplishes nothing
We are the quintessence of dust

I would cut it off after the first two lines of this part, the last 2 lines don't add much and I feel the first two would end it in a very effective way.


Overall, really good job.

Thumbs up, bro.
#10
crit for crit

drink to the day

Close my eyes to see the world again
Live my lie, one day at a time
A transparent façade, a token to society
Wake up to see the same grim gloom

Wow, first couplet was great. I really love it. The second couplet's good, but facade's overused. It still works. I don't like the way "same grim gloom" sounds.

The florescent lights they hide the night
No safety in this veneer of white
No man woman nor child shall be spared
The souls of men he reaps from the garden of tears

Ooh, first couplet's really good. The assonance is great. I really liked "veneer of white," it's a good way of putting it. Original. The last couplet seems too wordy for the first, though. And even the last line seems to wordy for the third.

To close my eyes to death, to sleep
to Live again, through these dreams
These phantoms of hope; my aberration.
Siphon the light from the day

My favorite stanza. I wouldn't change a thing.

I see what you saw before you slipped into gray
Nothing but your life of lies all in replay
The sycophant that accomplishes nothing
We are the quintessence of dust

The first couplet was good. "Before" was an awkward word for where it was, it sectioned off the line in a weird way. And I probably would've omitted the word "all" in the second line. However, the last two lines didn't enthrall me. The rhythm threw me, so far as to lessen the effect of the ending line.


I like it, but the last stanza dragged it for me. Really good.

Mine's in my sig if you get around to it. =P
Last edited by my name is Pete at Apr 28, 2008,