#1
This, my second song, is about the burden of the school year, and the longing for the time to do as I please. The last verse I guess is about the summer. I know this piece is cliché but that's kind of the point, and the nature of the subject. So I took peoples advice on my other song and tuned down the rhyme. I attempted but failed to not use cliché. This piece is crit for crit. Hopefully I'll be on the road to my first solid piece. So enough monologuing and here it is...

So much to do
Too many places to see
I love the world
and Its been good to me
Working all night
And living all day
Don’t let all this time go to waste

So climb a mountain
Or run a mile
Take it day by day
And relax for a while
The thrill of life
not matched by the fear of death

The days we have lost
The things that we’ve said
All time that has passed
Since we’ve hit the bed
Losing my life
Sitting at this desk
I drop the things that I have to do ( I need a new line here couldn't think of one)

So climb a mountain
Or run a mile
Take it day by day
And relax for a while
The thrill of life
Not matched by the fear of death

Now I am free
I really have the time (really will be changed as soon as i find a word that fits)
To sit on my ass
And reflect in my mind (mind and time its a stretch but I like it)
Relaxing for days
And watching the clouds
I can do as my heart desires

I can climb a mountain
Or run a mile
I’ll take it day by day
And relax for a while
The thrill of life
stronger than the fear of death


Hopefully you'll here something better from me next week
thanks for reading
-Will
I smile because I have no idea whats goin on
Last edited by fenderuser93 at Mar 9, 2008,
#2
this is very good
i can really relate to this
keep it up..just make those few minor changes you mentioned and it should be good