#1
a piano
shaded by a canopy of lush forest green
its keys, the colors of autumn leaves
whose highs are september
whose lows are november
its legs, held tightly
but gently
by love struck greenery
its body, the texture of rich mahogany
that has never been cut
as if forming naturally and evenly
its strings, blades of straw
golden-yellow
ripe for harvest

and when the wind blows
its legs will clench
its keys will rustle
its strings will shake
and music will come
all day
and all night
Last edited by punchupatatigge at Mar 10, 2008,
#2
damn tiggs, this was very solid from you, had a lot of emotion crammed in here, and I must say, even though i may not have read a lot from you lately, I can sense that you have improved a lot lately.

One complaint would be the last two lines....they just seem too bland compared to the rest of the piece, and I guess I was just expecting a little more pop to finish this off. But that is not to say that that ruins the piece, cause honestly this is one of the better pieces I can recall of yours.

Mine latest is on the front page if you want.
#4
disagree with carp actually, I thought the last lines were strong. they became a little more forward, it worked nicely for the tone. the ending gave me quite a gorgeous image.

this was a really strong piece, especially in terms of flow - which I always seem to loose a little when working so passionatly with content. that's probably because i'm always eating marmelade, though, but i don't really know. i'll get an x-ray.

i thought "wind blows" was weak, not literally, but weak as it is supposedly supposed to bring about the clenching of legs and the shaking of keys. a storm or something would of worked for me. i'm sure you have your reasons though, you appear to be a beautiful writer and you no doubt have a beautiful hat that you sometimes wear and impress everybody as you walk through town.

I haven't offered too much, but if you could leave a brief comment on mine I'd be extremely grateful. the subject isn't too far off.
Last edited by skagitup at Mar 9, 2008,
#5
Teg, this was great.

Quote by punchupatatigge
a piano
shaded by a canopy of lush forest green
The syntax here is nit-pickable, and you may want to consider the change to lush green forest, however because of the rhyme and flow how oyu have it is already suitable.
its keys, the colors of autumn leaves
"it's" it should be. It's a possessive, right? The apostrophe should be there, I think. If I am right, then the one below also needs changing. You have it with "it's strings" three line's near the end of this stanza, so maybe you need to work on your consistency of grammar :p
whose highs are september
whose lows are november
usually I would belittle what can be conceived as awkward phrasing, but because of you currently outstanding poetic voice I shan't. Good stuff.
its legs, held tightly
but gently
I feel that the "but gently" feels tacked on. Maybe instead of these two lines it coul djust be "it's legs, held carefully" ? Idk, I think this last line here hurts the flow just a touch.
by love struck greenery
its body, the texture of rich mahogany
that had never been cut
as if forming naturally and evenly
this last line felt a bit awkward I think it's the "as if". It might need a "as if it had" and I felt that's what felt missing. Maybe a possibility to re-word.
it's strings, blades of straw
golden-yellow
ripe for harvest

and when the wind blows
its legs will clench
its keys will rustle
its strings will shake
Yeah I'd just check the grammar. From my mind it should be "it's". Ask Evan.
and music will come
all day
and all night
I'm with Alex above, these last lines were just right.


I remember not too long ago Evan praising you for an outstanding poetic voice. I think you've carried it on and are really producing far better pieces than what you first posted when you joined S&L. I enjoyed this, fantastic flow and rhythm too it. The rhymes helped it carry on and emphasised the images, I felt.

Keep it going.



Inspiration in my sig is my newest, care to take a look? Thanks man.
#7
for what its worth, it's is a conjunction of "it is." Its is the possesive form.

English and it's lovely exception.

EDIT: Beat to the chase. oh well, haha

Gear:
Partscaster/Tele into a bunch of pedals, a Maz 18 head, and a Z Best cab.
#8
Quote by roamingbard13
for what its worth, it's is a conjunction of "it is." Its is the possesive form.

English and it's lovely exception.

EDIT: Beat to the chase. oh well, haha


Except you clearly mean contraction
#9
don't spam my thread unless you have something to say about the piece.
and thanks for those who critted, i'll return as soon as i can.

yeah, the possessive is "its", i made a mistake in one of the lines.
#10
Quote by roamingbard13
for what its worth, it's is a conjunction of "it is." Its is the possesive form.

English and it's lovely exception.

EDIT: Beat to the chase. oh well, haha


You're clearly a moron.

This poem, she is lovely!
#12
Beautiful. I really felt the piano was part of the forest. And I loved the last two lines, their simplicity made them seem so natural.