#1
pt. 1

to me she's paris,
where in the spring time, i drove to on a whim.
winded through the coughing streets and
found solstice in the city's glow.
her name is josephine, and i'm her drug dealer.

josie's got black lungs and painted lips,
a plastic heart that'll only break when you tell it to.
the first time i met her, she was drug-hungry in her parent's living room.
my face was halfway down the toilet when the phone rang.

"is this brenda's friend?"
"brenda who?"
"max's wife's cousin."
"oh...yeah..."
"well, can i get a dime?"

when i got there she was waiting in the garage
with three faceless guys and a girl that was passed out on the floor.
she had her arms crossed and in one hand a ten dollar bill.

"i'm josephine but my friends all call me josie."

there's a cardboard box inside the basement of your brain
labeled "for when you die."
sound, it moved faster than her mouth.

one of her friends weighed out the weed.
"it's legit."
and, like the car,
or the lawnmower,
or the goddamn socket wrench,
i never made it past the garage.


pt. 2

summer came and went
fruitless as the county's drought.
joyless parties,
i brought a book to every one,
and then the fall leaves spilled to the ground like
last night's confetti.

church bells rang and i answered the phone.
"can i...ssspeak...to dannnny?"
those blackened tones,
native to her tongue,
how they danced like shadows on concrete-
it was josephine, no doubt,
but the slur in her speech:
opium?
alcohol?
heroin?
codeine?
valium?
mescaline?
"i...THHINK somebody slipped me a rrrrroofie at the club tonight."

flunitrazepam.

"ccould you helpppp me?"

it took her about fifteen minutes to give the directions to her apartment,
which turned out to be on the eighteenth floor of some ritzy five star on the
upper east side. i bolted through the lobby
and past the broken elevator
to the eighteen flights that damn near killed me.
her door was half-open.

"josephine?"

a kind of primitive moan came from the couch;
i knelled beside her and moved the hair out of her face.
she looked at me through eyes half-shut and smiled.

"i have to tell you something."
"anything."

i looked around, and in all of the room's darkness,
could only make out the balcony door and
the star-stitched silhouette of the city behind it.
sky-scrapers in the night looked like jagged teeth strung with lights.

"i'm not even close to drugged."
Last edited by Arthur Curry at Mar 9, 2008,
#2
That was a nice ending.
turn me back into the pet that i was when we met,
i was happier then with no mind-set.
#3
first stanza was beautiful.

second, "plastic" sucked, I thought. I know it's being used in the right place, but it's still pretty weak compared to the standards you set. "only break when you tell it to" was nice.

same thing with "faceless guys". it sends the right message, in terms of imagery, but it's just a pretty bland way to send it across in comparison with the rest. These are not serious points, as you can figure, but just little nit-picks..

"I'm josephine but..." sounded so fake. I don't know about you, but I've read or seen in movies people say "I'm .... but my friends call me ..." thousands of times and not heard it once in real life. I just find it hard to believe that there are as many people who actually say it as people who write it. Why wouldn't she just say "I'm josie" or whatever?

ending was relatively strong.

start of the next part was gorgeous. "i brought a book to each one" - loved that.

"how they danced..." read forced, for me at least.

"sky-scrapers in the night looked like jagged teeth strung with lights." - strongest line of the best, beautiful description.

the ending was, again, relatively strong. It wasn't killer but, if there are more parts to this (i hope there are) it's perfect, I suppose.

This was great. I can't wait for the next part.
#4
I'm a little tired to delve head-first into this...

So I'll just say that there were some flaws, but at the same time, this is the best thing I've read from you.
Poor advice.
#5
The start was a little brilliant, then it tapered down a bit towards the end. A bit too lengthy for me to give an overly detailed crit, so I'll just say:

Great work, the attack faded slightly as the piece wound on, but nice little ending.
#6
overall, it kept a nice tone, even though I feel the story could possibly benefited from a few more spins or turns to make the ending that much more impactful. But I really liked the idea of a potiential drug call/overdose actually turning into a booty call. I don't know, for the most part, pretty impressive.