#1
So I decided to try my hand at a song, which is different from my usual poetry. Here it is, and if it doesn't make too much sense to you, it may be because I was a little too specific, but other than that, I really need some outside critique.

Leave a link and I'll crit yours as soon as I can.

Verse 1
Theres a paper road near the Silk one
Theres a paper cut in the ocean
I am where they intersect
Theres a murderer standing trial tomorrow
A baby born every hour or so
I am somewhere in between

Chorus
This is where my lies catch up
Where I get bit for acting tough
Where you decide you've had enough of my face
When I half screamed, half cried, "I hate you"
Our tempers flared to match my words
Swear I never thought that it would hurt this bad

Verse 2
So is this defeat?
I cover my head, curl up, eyes shut, whisper,
"This is just a dream
Or maybe a bad movie"
But I know that it's not
Hollywood's not this cruel
And some script writers still believe in God.

Chorus

Outro
You know I never wanted to hurt you.
But Dad, your leash is strangling me.
Mom, your blanket is suffocating
But long distance calls won't fix a thing at all
So let me come home

(x2)
Dad, your leash is strangling me.
Mom, your blanket is suffocating
But long distance calls won't fix a thing at all
So let me come home
Quote by joeyj123
there are 11 words in 'the alphabet'
#3
"But Dad, your leash is strangling me.
Mom, your blanket is suffocating."

Probably the most Heartaching 2 lines I have read.

I Love It.
#4
Thanks guys, but may I ask the next poster for a critique (can just be quick, not so complete), and not just a comment? Something like reaper's?

I know it's somewhat hypocritical of me to say that, but this particular piece means a lot to me and I just want to make it better.
Quote by joeyj123
there are 11 words in 'the alphabet'