#1


It rained on me for a little bit, but I didn't mind.
It can rain all it damn wants.
Perhaps it was the last thing I wanted
but I'm not gonna hold a grudge over that.
It just happened, and I'm still here
so I guess I've got it alright.
Just meant there was a damp air
hanging over all the grey people
looking on in distaste as I stimulte their prejudices.
If that look was a cunt
it would be open and ready
I'd be finger fucking it just by
slugging a bottle of red on the sidewalk
without a job
without a family
without any of that.

By rights I should have been dead
before I grew from a boy to a man
so all my time now is a gift.
Think about this as I head down the weathered steps
to a dusty basement bar.
Stop and think some more - about those steps;
because maybe their lives were a gift too
and they spend it laying around
getting walked on.
Decided I don't get walked on much,
so I guess I've got it alright.
Carry on down to the doorway
under a flshing neon sign
over more wasted rock.
Phil Collins on the Juke singing "The Roof is leaking"
sad syllables
no one listening but me.
Don't wanna hear a song about hardship
so I drop a coin in the slot
let it rest there.
If you don't cue anything up the music will stop,
and i like that.





love is a dog from hell.



Last edited by we have sound at Mar 13, 2008,
#2
Generally I love everything you post, but this piece just didn't strike me as well as usual. There was something about it that felt off. It almost seemed to aggressive. Usually your pieces have a gritty, real, type feeling. But this one was so aggressive it came of as an angst driven realism. It's really hard to explain. your writing was ace as always, but it was just the tone and general feel that I got from it that pushed me away. I'm sure its just me.

Quote by we have sound


If that look was a cunt
it would be open and ready
I'd be finger fucking it just by
slugging a bottle of red on the sidewalk
without a job
without a family
without any of that.


As to this part, usually when you put something over the top in your piece, it seems natural... like when I read it, it feels like nothing else could go in its spot and do the same thing as what you had the ott section doing. But in this instance... this didn't really fit to me. It seemed like you just put the over the top part in for some sort of reaction. It seemed like an unneeded metaphor that was just there for shock value. That less than natural feel, that "unneccesary" feeling, made this just seem like a low point instead of the heavy hitting idea I suspect you wanted it to be.

Sorry mate,

-zC

Fake Edit: any comments on anything in my sig are appreciated. But this was basically a shit comment, so I don't expect anything in return.
#3

I guess it is aggressive. I'm not in the best of moods.

edit: reading that part back, I see what you mean. Even I can't extract any emotion from it, and I fucking wrote it. It was just there because I'm feeling cold and wanted to mention an image that doesnt fit right.




love is a dog from hell.



Last edited by we have sound at Mar 9, 2008,
#4
I did like this but I'm gonna agree with Zach for the most part. I'm very, verrrry fond of the ending though.
Anatomy Anatomy
Whale Blue Review

Park that car
Drop that phone
Sleep on the floor
Dream about me