#1
first song i wrote. Its not finished, still working on the chorus.
thanks for the help.

Shaking and quaking, approaching the goal
Like a ship, sailing around the shoals
Palms are sweaty, legs feel cold
But on the outside, trying to look bold

Weaving in and out of the crowd,
Eyes are set, not looking around
Hes determined for now, to take his place
To make their eyes see his face

Chorus??

Now hes worrying, has he made a mistake?
But its too late to think, hes caught her stare
shes wondering what hes doing there

So with courage and fear, he moves his feet
Approaching to the rythm of the music's beat
He walks up and whispers, in her ear
She nods her head, and eases his fear

Chorus??

Dancing and dancing, having a blast
When the DJ calls out one last dance
His time is up, almost gone
Its now or never, hes only got one

Chance, to get it it right
Else they won't meet, after tonight
So rocking in motion, left to right
Bodies together, pressing tight
He leans down, whispers in her ear
No longer having anything to fear


c4c
#2
This is actually really good

I know how it feels to fear asking a girl out or to dance. It's not always the easiest thing in the world. This song does a good job at describing the feeling

Keep it up man

"When the power of love overcomes the love of power, the world will know peace." - Jimi Hendrix
#3
I like the theme a lot, it's something plenty of people can relate to, and if the reader/listener 'steps away' from it, it can apply to a couple more things.

You rhyme effectively for the most part, but occasionally it looks a bit forced, which takes away from the song. Think about putting flow before complete rhyme and I think you will have more success in that regard. Some parts seem to be a few syllables too long or short, and read awkwardly, one that stuck out was "Approaching to the rythm of the music's beat",and also the last line. Again, quick proofreading could iron those out easily.

If you plan to record this with instruments, I'm sure it matches up nicely. Good job, and thanks for your crit of my work.
Quote by skater dan0
...and the bassist comes up to the EQ and moves all the sliders into the typical smiley face pattern and in a really thick Jamaican accent said "you can't have de bass without de smiley face"
#4
I can sooo relate.

Sounds great
Gear:
-Ibanez
--RG270DX~Blk
--AGS83 Semihlw~Ant.
--AEF30 AcEl~Trans Blk
-BC Rich ST III~Snakeskin
-Strat~oly wht Hendrix
-OLP Tin Top
-Roland Cube30x
-Epi VJ -modded
-4x12 Marshall cab
-Pocket Pod
-Hendrix Wah
-Slash Wah
much more
#5
Yer, i enjoyed that, i like the theme and look forward to the chorus, its cirtenly a very good start. I dont have to much advice to offer as i am a novice myself but i would realy appreciate you having a look at mine. one thin i would say is the ryme looks a bit forced but in saying that im wondering about my own. i would concerntraite on flow and not worry so much about making everything ryme but i realy like it. good job,
Thanks in advance
Tom