#1
you know how it goes. c4c.

Modeling In The Afterlife

My hands flushed lightening bolts
across her thighs,
never mind the details,
just look up, at the sky.
I said to her, I said;
"Darling I can't
remember your name,
don't question my
methods just don't
move out of the frame."

Pretty lucky, pretty pieces
shivering parties that coast
creases around the shower
curtain. Cry for somebody
but flirt in and out of danger.
She's the roar of a cougar,
coughing at the camera for
a little bit of sugar, sugar.

Open her eyes and
put her arms across
her chest, tell her
anything she wants, just
make sure there's
a stomp to her step.

Cold back, spine cracks
can't stand the outside
air, she's moving here
from over there, no reason,
never was and now she
expects a sail for her sun.
A draft for her boat and
cause to float, can't swim
worth a shit
but that never stopped the
dead.
www.facebook.com/longlostcomic
Last edited by Something_Vague at Mar 10, 2008,
#2
my hands flushed lightening
bolts across her thigh,
These opening lines are awkward
never mind the details,
just look up, at the sky,
I said to her, I said;
"Darling I can't
remember your name,
don't question my
methods just don't
move out of the frame."
This is a pretty tame and stagnant stanza. Usually I'm erect by this point in your pieces.
open her eyes and
put her arms across
her chest, tell her
anything she wants, just
make sure there's
a stomp to her step.
Something about the simplicity of this was really appealing. Internal rhyming, excellent flow. Nice.

cold back, spine cracks
can't stand the outside
air, she's moving here
from over there, no reason,
never was and now she
expects a sail for her sun.
a draft for her boat and
cause to float, can't swim
worth a ****
but that never stopped the
dead.
Everything I said in the previous stanza times alot. This is my favorite. The last lines are brilliant.

This one flows so well it's nauseus. This is a nice break from the heart-breaking gut punch that your last piece was. You have amazing style in contrast, Matt me boy.
Poor advice.
#4
I agree that the flow is impeccable and the wording and appeal of the piece is all spot on, but I have a wierd feeing that there should or at least needs to be one more stanza somewhere within this, if not to bring it a little more together, to at least please me. :-)

I like how you are experimenting around with different formats, for this style is always the hardest for me at least, and I give you made props for this, cause it really is solid.
#5
Quote by Something_Vague
you know how it goes. c4c.

Modeling In The Afterlife

my hands flushed lightening
bolts across her thigh,
never mind the details,
just look up, at the sky,
I said to her, I said;
"Darling I can't
remember your name,
don't question my
methods just don't
move out of the frame."
(I agree the first two lines are awkward. Maybe split them up a bit more. Other than that this is amazing as usual.)

open her eyes and
put her arms across
her chest, tell her
anything she wants, just
make sure there's
a stomp to her step.
(Beautiful. The line breaks bugged me a little bit here but not enough to take away from the stanza.)

cold back, spine cracks
can't stand the outside
air, she's moving here
from over there, no reason,
never was and now she
expects a sail for her sun.
a draft for her boat and
cause to float, can't swim
worth a shit
but that never stopped the
dead.
(I love this too. fuck why did I even do this.)

This is my favorite from you in a while, I honestly felt your last few were a bit pretentious, not overly pretentious, but phantom1 pretentious (no offense intended).
This ones more real to me, and seems to actually have a meaning to it.

hey man I feel like a loser typing like five words in your piece and then asking you to come look at mine but if you are feeling generous, just stop by and tell me it sucks https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=808591
#6
Thanks you too, I re-added a stanza that I chopped out of the final version at your insistence that it needed something. Hopefully that makes it a little better.

Again, thanks so much, I'm glad I've been getting in the flow of things again lately.
www.facebook.com/longlostcomic
#9
I think this is one of the most beautiful and flowing pieces I have read for a very long time. There's just something about it. I had the lead singer from Elbow, singing it to me in my mind and it fitted perfectly.
I cannot fault this. At all.

I'm sorry if I am not comprehensive in my crit. :/ I'm just, well, like it alot. lol

(if you could crit my latest, "Rose/A Garden Laced With Black Stones" (not sure which one, I changed the name but I don't know if it's changed yet) i'd be very grateful)
#10
I really liked this it made me think of something that could nearly have been written by Jeff Buckley !

I'm to inexperienced to criticize this properly. But I would however like to know how learned writing poems/lyrics. Did you just start by doing it, looking at pieces you like ? Do you read alot of poetry by professionals ?

If you feel like criticizing this go ahead: http://ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=808699