#1
Think of the melody as pretty bright-eyes-flow-ish, where the lines all basically connect, and there isnt much stopping.

C+C PLEASE

last night, and the day before
I looked outside at the girl nextdoor
i yelled out my window, "hey what is your name?"
she said im not playing along with your game

I ask "whats the harm, i just want to know"
she replied to me with a stick up of her nose
I drop down a bucket, with some poems i wrote
and a gift that I picked, and that one is a rose

she took one look and she threw it on back
apparently its actually love that she lacks
she seems rather nice, i dont know what I did
but its getting me nowhere, I know where that is

I know it all to well
I know it all to well

I try again thursday, it sunny outside
I figure the weather would give her a smile
and shed be in a good mood, in the sun shine
and maybe that good mood would work on my side

"Would you tell me your name if I told you mine first?"
I asked with a smile, you could call it a smirk
she looks up at me, and she laughs to herself
I think that she thinks I should go get some help

She writes something down on a small piece of paper
im thinking this is it, I'll no longer hate her
i open it, but i cant read it that good
but i can close my window, i know that she would
#5
Nickolas, you triple posted. Press edit next time.


C+C PLEASE

last night, and the day before
I looked outside at the girl nextdoor
i yelled out my window, "hey what is your name?"
she said im not playing along with your game
[/QUOTE}

I yelled out my window...
Oh man, that was funny.
Quote by Petemo


I ask "whats the harm, i just want to know"
she replied to me with a stick up of her nose
I drop down a bucket, with some poems i wrote
and a gift that I picked, and that one is a rose

she took one look and she threw it on back
apparently its actually love that she lacks
she seems rather nice, i dont know what I did
but its getting me nowhere, I know where that is


A stick up her nose?

Quote by Petemo

I know it all to well
I know it all to well

I try again thursday, it sunny outside
I figure the weather would give her a smile
and shed be in a good mood, in the sun shine
and maybe that good mood would work on my side

"Would you tell me your name if I told you mine first?"
I asked with a smile, you could call it a smirk
she looks up at me, and she laughs to herself
I think that she thinks I should go get some help

She writes something down on a small piece of paper
im thinking this is it, I'll no longer hate her
i open it, but i cant read it that good
but i can close my window, i know that she would


Many grammatical mistakes, so work on that first. The story itself isn't that bad, but the rhymes sound forced and your style is rather amateurish. Still needs some work, in other words. Keep on writing.
#6
Nickolas, you triple posted. Press edit next time.
Quote by Petemo


C+C PLEASE

last night, and the day before
I looked outside at the girl nextdoor
i yelled out my window, "hey what is your name?"
she said im not playing along with your game
[/QUOTE}

I yelled out my window...
Oh man, that was funny.


A stick up her nose?


Many grammatical mistakes, so work on that first. The story itself isn't that bad, but the rhymes sound forced and your style is rather amateurish. Still needs some work, in other words. Keep on writing.


Hahaha, I knew someone would say that

"A stick up OF her nose"

thanks for the C+C guys
#8
Quote by Time Seller
You can still edit your post, you know. In fact, you should.



Well, the post does in fact says the correct sentence. It's just that you read it wrong haha.
#9
I didn't mean that line. A stick up of her nose or a stick up her nose doesn't have much difference. In fact, I would prefer the latter as it saves words. I meant your song has a couple of grammatical errors you should rectify.
#10
Quote by Time Seller
I didn't mean that line. A stick up of her nose or a stick up her nose doesn't have much difference. In fact, I would prefer the latter as it saves words. I meant your song has a couple of grammatical errors you should rectify.


Oh

Well then I'll get on that.

But they DEFINITELY have to very different meanings.

A stick up her nose = ....a stick up her nose haha

A stick up of her nose = sticking up her nose, like...a snob or blowing you off/ignoring you.
#13
This is good flows well, but 'she replied to me with a stick up of her nose' breaks the flow, so that line should be redone.
I think:

I know it all to well
I know it all to well

works brilliant as a chorus, so why not make this the hook and repeat it a few times, in different places of course.

Sounds like with the last two paragraphs you ran out of ideas, they didnt work to well for me. I would take them out, or rewrite them into one as i think there are like 6 paragraphs. which is too many.

Apart from that this is a great song, reminds of something Tom Sawyer/Mark Twain like.
#14
Quote by Lum
This is good flows well, but 'she replied to me with a stick up of her nose' breaks the flow, so that line should be redone.
I think:

I know it all to well
I know it all to well

works brilliant as a chorus, so why not make this the hook and repeat it a few times, in different places of course.

Sounds like with the last two paragraphs you ran out of ideas, they didnt work to well for me. I would take them out, or rewrite them into one as i think there are like 6 paragraphs. which is too many.

Apart from that this is a great song, reminds of something Tom Sawyer/Mark Twain like.


I agree with alot of this,.

I still think the "stick up of her nose" line works, though.

I took out the last 2 paragraphs, and added this:


"Would you tell me your name if I told you mine first?"
I asked with a smile, you could call it a smirk
"I'll tell you my name" she smiled and then she
told me I'd have to love her unconditionally

plus some random parts of the other chorus/verses thrown in.