#1
So, it's been a couple years... what's been up? I didn't know if I would ever post anything on here again, but I did jot this one down and now here it is. Keep in mind, I'm not a writer, I haven't written anything in forever, so you might need to lower your expectations a little, or don't, I really don't care.

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These are moments, made for remembering
The kind you only wish you could forget
It's a cloudy December, mix of snow and rain
The kind that leaves you cold and wet
The kind that takes lives, the kind that will thrive
Tonight

But oh we will...

These are times you do your best to survive
The kind you don't worry about what is left
Nothing fancy or formal, it's 'get out with your lives'
No this time it's not just a test
This time it's alive, this time it's got eyes
Tonight

But oh we will fight

Every time I close my eyes I see you
It's just you on every side of me, and it's true
Don't tell me if you ever told a lie (I'll need proof)
We are friends until the ambulance arrives

And leaves me without you

The sirens are the sound of going home
There'll be one brief stop at the end of the road
Kiss your family while you can it's the only way to let go
Yeah, but we don't have to let go.....

If you can hold on to the night
A little better than your car held the road when you took that right
We'll be smiling, singing our songs again
We can go all night


The ambulance is turning off it's lights
The driver makes his way out of sight
These are the moments I will never forget
But now you are here by my side
You're just a whisper
Baby, whisper 'everything will be alright'
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Last edited by ColdFrontAttack at Mar 10, 2008,
#2
Holy!

Derek. Man, it's so good to see you around here again. I'll edit my critique in here in a few minutes...if you got MSN, if you want, you can PM me your address again, I have tons of questions for you.

Great to see you around!! Like, really.

Love,
-Mathieu


Edit : well yeah I've been trying to critique this but I like 99% of it. The only part that I felt wasn't as strong was the "when I close my eyes I see you" stanza.

The rest of it was pretty good, I thought you pulled off the AABB rhyme scheme in quite an effective way, which is a pretty rare thing to see. It was refreshing, different than what we read on here lately. If you ever come back every now and then, don't let your writing get all S+L-ish.

Please do hang around more often

I liked the piece a lot.

How did the mission go?
#3
It's a cloudy December, mix of snow and rain.


Score.

Nice piece. In all honesty, the title had more punch than the piece. The only good thing going for it was that it was digestible and a smooth-flowing read.
#4
Yeah, cool to see you back around here Derek, and to be honest, I seems like you haven't missed a beat since the last piece I read from you which I admit was a long time ago. Actually, this was very inspiring, calming, and overall uplifting which is very impressive given the subject matter. To me, you will always be a writer.

Well, haven't much more to say, but I enjoyed the hell out of this and would love to see you hanging around here a little more in the future.

https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=808603
Last edited by streetcarp19 at Mar 11, 2008,
#5
great example of telling a good simple story in a poetic fashion. Refreshingly simple and clear style. I read what you left in your countdown pieces and loved all of them. Hope you stick around. You could teach all of us all a thing or two most likely. How was your lengthy trip (mission trip of some sort wasnt it?)
#6
I'm not sure if you posted it to ask for suggestions for things to change, an overall evaluation, or just for fun. I don't know if you would consider changing it up a bit, but here are some suggestions:

It's a cloudy December, mix of snow and rain
The kind that leaves you cold and wet


I think you could be more creative here. Do something more with the weather. Give it more meaning. Maybe you could turn the weather into a something alive. What's the weather really like? Why is the weather important? How does the weather feel?


The sirens are the sound of going home
There'll be one brief stop at the end of the road
Kiss your family while you can it's the only way to let go

Same idea here I think. Maybe the sirens are more than just sirens. The sirens could be the voice of the ambulance. The first two lines here use forms of the verb 'to be,' I think you would be better off with verbs that show some action. Try using words that show the motion and emotion, or the lack of both or either.


From what I can see the first stanza is a visual scene-setting sort of thing. It definitely works there, but consider putting the stanza somewhere else. It might make things more interesting. If you ended with that first stanza instead, it would seem like everything that happened in the song made the weather. I think that could be a interesting effect. Try experimenting here.


That's all I could think of right now. You have done a nice job here. There's something about the ambulance that I like a lot here. Anyway, if you are looking to tweak it up a bit then consider my suggestions. Now that I think of it, you could play around with the idea/image of an ambulance more as well if you add more content. I'd love to see any revisions you might make to this song. Good luck.
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#7
thanks guys, you're awesome for the critiques... I'll give some more detail a little later, I'm just never on here And I'm a douche cause the title should be '...Until the Ambulance Arrives', not 'Survives', but whatev.
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