#1
I've been around here for some time, but I've just registered for an account today (finally). Crit for crit.

Trustworthy lies from fake faces,
Dripping from large branches
Tasting the slyness in
The umbrage of the night.

Reality is a farce
An inverted Dorian Gray
Or bulletproof untruth.

The sand scratches across parched lips
Across the red-splattered ground.
Life is fragile at best;
In odd new pronunciations
Back breaks under pressure.
In odd rites of initiation
Deceptive eyeblinks to the treasure.

In pitch darkness
and beating metallic rhythms
Clashing harshly
Deep tangled maze of
semi-neurotics and packaged dreams
For the highest bidder.
Laughing and crying
For the innocence of youth
Enjoyed once we've lost it.
But we're still defending our

Picture perfect ending.
Last edited by Time Seller at Mar 10, 2008,
#2
Really good and really solid, I like it. The only thing I would thing to change would be to add a little more emotion instead of just pure meaning, if that makes sense.
We're only strays.
#3
Thanks for ya return crit.

Yes, that makes sense. It is a rather blase, unemotional poem. It comes across as being pathetic and a twisted mix of random words.

But hey, that's what I wanted to convey. A poem without emotion. So thank you. But I'll keep your advice for my next outing. Expect a drastic change in style.
#4
Quote by Time Seller
Thanks for ya return crit.

Yes, that makes sense. It is a rather blase, unemotional poem. It comes across as being pathetic and a twisted mix of random words.

But hey, that's what I wanted to convey. A poem without emotion. So thank you. But I'll keep your advice for my next outing. Expect a drastic change in style.


Ooooohh I see what you mean. Didn't catch that lol. What if you added one line with a lot of emotion, like maybe just before 'the perfect ending' last line? Just an idea, it may ruin it though.
We're only strays.
#6
A poem without emotion? Then what is it, exactly?

I found emotion in the images that this piece presented, most notably those of bulletproof untruths and packaged dreams, things that I think have some sort of significance in everybody's life. Furthermore, the ending's yearning for youth also calls to mind a better time, one to be missed. If this was meant to be a poem without emotion, then I'm sad to say you failed miserably, in my opinion.

On the whole I liked it. Good imagery, I was a little thrown by the structure but it wasn't bad. I disliked the part "In pitch darkness..." because i think it clashed with the flow of the rest of the piece. I think with some editing you can make this much better. But good job and good move joining. If you have a chance, my last (and first, really) work is in my sig.
Quote by skater dan0
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#7
It's a poem without emotion. *grins*

Well, a poem has a million different meanings to different people. For me, I attempted to write a piece without actually feeling anything, something I haven't done before. And I relied on a lot of concrete metaphors and hypocritical statements to make a staggered verse. That's how I perceive it, at least.

Glad you liked it. I'll be on my way to your poem.
#8
i like this.
it's straight up, out there.
it's got a somewhat good flow.
it's really not emotional, but it's okay.
xD