#1
Little bit different to my usual style, it was inspired by a piece of writing a friend of mine did called the signpost and the sun.


The signpost, he doesnt know which way he's pointing,
the sun's elusive but I know where I can cut her off
and the moons getting jealous 'cause he couldnt shine so brightly,
antagonistically the sun just laughs she laughs,
and she says;
honey dont follow me 'cause I'm just going round in circles
and the only fun i get is chasing heaven and hell.
So if anybody asks then I can tell them where I'm going
'cause I was here same time yesterday as well.

There are melancholy breezes, the sweet smell of the storm,
temptation rides the lightning while the angels sit forlorn
and if all roads lead to nowhere and all paths are overgrown
it's no wonder that the signpost doesnt know the way no more.

The little flowers raise their heads to pay homage to a slave,
she smiles modestly and surrounds herself with clouds,
and the moon scowls in the background cause he hates her but he loves her-
a romance born in heaven that will one day hit the ground.
So he sits and moves the water to distract from his old mind,
and he glances up and basks in the confusion of the sign
and he turns him on his side so he points down towards the earth
'cause in the end we all know the destination of time.

There are melancholy breezes, the sweet smell of the storm,
temptation rides the lightning while the angels sit forlorn
and if all roads lead to nowhere and all paths are overgrown
it's no wonder that the signpost doesnt know the way no more.
“I smoke. If this bothers anyone, I suggest you look around at the world in which we live and shut your f*ckin' mouth.” RIP
Http://www.Smash-it-up.tk
Last edited by damn-right! at Mar 10, 2008,
#2
The moon doesn't shine, FOOL!

Lol, just joking there.

I love your metaphoric wordplay (I'm being clever see, I'm not saying just metaphors or wordplay)!

Melancholy breezes, the sweet smell of the storm.

Temptation rides the lightning. Small error there, mate.

I loved that stanza though. One of my favourite. It's strong and leads as a powerful link towards your second last which is similarly powerful.

Beautiful poem.
#3
Doh, cant believe I spelt lightning wrong! I know the moon doesnt "shine" but it is the second brightest object in the sky.

Thanks for the crit :P
“I smoke. If this bothers anyone, I suggest you look around at the world in which we live and shut your f*ckin' mouth.” RIP
Http://www.Smash-it-up.tk
#4
Amazingly, you're the second person who spelled it wrongly today. Weird, eh?

Yeah, I know, I was just joking. Uhm, there are stars too, you know. But let's not be technical. We poets live in a world of dreams and meaningless metaphors. Scientific theories vex me.

No problem. Critting brilliant work is fun.
#5
Your second stanza has a rather confusing narrative, with the he's and she's.

Especially line three. I think maybe you could clear it up a bit better. Also, the last line in that verse felt a bit forced.

Otherwise, great. Your flow is smashing, as is your simple-but-effective rhyme. Generally, your phrasing is also good too.

So, yeah. You rock.