#1
Eclipsed by pain, nothing left inside.
Running away, won't solve anything.
I'm missing out, on all life's promises.
Covered in doubt, time to make amends.

And as I walk this empty street.
The bitter cold slices through me.
Wind is still, sky is black, air is tasteless.
The feeling of you is slowly slipping away.

The final note, penetrates the air.
All that I wrote, is lying next to me.
This crimson red, swallowing me whole.
The moment's dead, beating hearts are still.

And as I walk this empty street.
The bitter cold slices through me.
Wind is still, sky is black, air is tasteless.
The feeling of you is slowly slipping away.

I'm hangin' on by a single thread.
Memories are calling out my name.
Despair below pulls me further.
Dead underwater, I'm finished with this game.

And as I walk this empty street.
The bitter cold slices through me.
Wind is still, sky is black, air is tasteless.
The feeling of you is slowly slipping away.
TheInfringement
#2
i really liked this
Does anyone remember laughter?

Manuel, please try to understand before one of us DIES.

my gear:

Gibson LP Standard
Epiphone SG
Classical guitar
Peavey ValveKing 112
Marshall MG15
BOSS ME-50
#3
Eclipsed by pain, nothing left inside.
Running away, won't solve anything.
I'm missing out, on all life's promises.
Covered in doubt, time to make amends.

Good strong first stanza, without obvious rhyming. It has a really good flow.

And as I walk this empty street.
The bitter cold slices through me.
Wind is still, sky is black, air is tasteless.
The feeling of you is slowly slipping away.

I take it that this is the chorus seeing as it is repeated ? The only problem here is in the third line, "Wind is still, sky is black, air is tasteless" it is divided in three parts if you understand what I mean, the rest can be read in two parts. It disturbs the otherwise good flow. You could maybe make five lines and thereby making the chorus slightly longer than the verses.


The final note, penetrates the air.
All that I wrote, is lying next to me.
This crimson red, swallowing me whole.
The moment's dead, beating hearts are still.

Nothing to change here, same kind of comment as I wrote by the first stanza.

And as I walk this empty street.
The bitter cold slices through me.
Wind is still, sky is black, air is tasteless.
The feeling of you is slowly slipping away.

I'm hangin' on by a single thread.
Memories are calling out my name.
Despair below pulls me further.
Dead underwater, I'm finished with this game.

Again it is the third line here that doesn't work for my feeling or is that just the way I read it ? I get the feeling that the word "down" is missing between "pulls me" and "further". And I think it works better in fourth line to leave out "I'm" it isn't necessary and it flows better without it.

And as I walk this empty street.
The bitter cold slices through me.
Wind is still, sky is black, air is tasteless.
The feeling of you is slowly slipping away.

Overall I liked it, good imagery no straining to rhyme and a good flow in most parts. Sometimes things when you read them without the music don't sound right but with it they do. I'd liked to know where the music is going for this, what kind ?

Care to crit mine: http://ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?p=13225768#post13225768
__________________
#4
Quote by GNR's Fan


Overall I liked it, good imagery no straining to rhyme and a good flow in most parts. Sometimes things when you read them without the music don't sound right but with it they do. I'd liked to know where the music is going for this, what kind ?



I haven't quite decided how I'm gonna do this musically. I think I'm leaning towards a more up tempo. crunch sound. But it could work well as the opposite too. I just need to mess around with my guitar and see what I come up with.
TheInfringement
#5
Overall I liked this. I have problems with cliches but sometimes they can't be avoided (Like crimson in reference to blood, or hanging by a single thread), however they're small problems in the generally good piece. I liked the first lines image, as well as "dead underwater, I'm finished with this game." I am just fascinated by dying under water.

C4C?

https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=808872

You may enjoy it, in fact; a person in my lyric also dies under water (albeit not so metephorically). heh.
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#7
Eclipsed by pain, nothing left inside.
Running away, won't solve anything.
I'm missing out, on all life's promises.
Covered in doubt, time to make amends.

wow good stanza. very strong. got to the point

And as I walk this empty street.
The bitter cold slices through me.
Wind is still, sky is black, air is tasteless.
The feeling of you is slowly slipping away.

mm great i like this stanza. good flow

The final note, penetrates the air.
All that I wrote, is lying next to me.
This crimson red, swallowing me whole.
The moment's dead, beating hearts are still.

WOW... this blew me away.. this was awesome. great flow.. seems well planned and constructed with careful diction

And as I walk this empty street.
The bitter cold slices through me.
Wind is still, sky is black, air is tasteless.
The feeling of you is slowly slipping away.

repeat

I'm hangin' on by a single thread.
Memories are calling out my name.
Despair below pulls me further.
Dead underwater, I'm finished with this game.

mm good, not as strong as the last one but good. maybe finish hanging instead of putting a ' there.

And as I walk this empty street.
The bitter cold slices through me.
Wind is still, sky is black, air is tasteless.
The feeling of you is slowly slipping away.

repeat

over all this was great.. didnt see many if any mistakes.. maybe 5 and 2 so the i'm hing on by a single thread, with , the final note? and that crit above mine.. is aweful.. shhiittt i could go to each post and say GREAT PIECE crit mine? lmao.. ridiculous crit mine? in sig
It's not stalking to watch her sleep if she fell asleep watching a movie.
a silly wind
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(='.'=) LoNg LivE tHe BunNy!
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