#1
This might be the first poem I've ever seriously written. I usually stick to songtexts. This has been on my mind for a long time now and comes straight from the heart. I don't plan on changing anything so suggestions for I'll probably disregard. I'm just sharing this with you and hope you enjoy it in your own way.


Template:

My template for fate,
you are the mistress of today and tommorow
Cause I can't break away from yesterday,
so I look for you in the coming

It's the one relationship you know
where you base your personality on
I found mine already
That's not a good thing
I'll always be searching for the same person
Though the same person can't bring satisfaction
This is a cycle
a growing cycle that you want broken
Broken is an overated word though
Physical things can be broken
Mental things on the other hand cannot
Therefor the cycle is an endless one
but that only means it stays with you
not that it controls your choices
ignoring is the only way I see to do so
or maybe a new person that fills the template
That person is not yet here
till that day I'll stick to these words

My template for fate,
you are the mistress of today and tommorow
Cause I can't break away from yesterday,
so I look for you in the coming


No regrets,

dark-link
#2
These lyrics actually made me think about my relationship with my wife and infidelity.
DAMN DUDE.

I dig it.
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#5
First, thanks for your crit of my work.
Second, wow. I really like this poem. The theme is deep, and your comparisons you use at first seem random, but draw together at the end. I am really not a huge fan of poetry, but this one I really enjoy. While the flow may not be amazing at some parts, it still sound very good to the reader and if spoken to the listener. I know you said you don't want to change it at all, but if you do decide to I'd suggest some minor changes simply make it flow a little better. Personally I like it as is, and will definitely remember it for some time.
#6
Quote by Dark-Link

My template for fate,
you are the mistress of today and tommorow
Cause I can't break away from yesterday,
so I look for you in the coming I'm not sure about this line.

It's the one relationship you know
where you base your personality on Grammar?
I found mine already
That's not a good thing
I'll always be searching for the same person
Though the same person can't bring satisfaction
This is a cycle
a growing cycle that you want broken Maybe a line break between 'cycle' and 'that'?
Broken is an overated word though Do you need 'though'?
Physical things can be broken
Mental things on the other hand cannot
Therefor the cycle is an endless one Don't know about the repitition of 'the cycle' or 'therefore'
but that only means it stays with you
not that it controls your choices
ignoring is the only way I see to do so I like this line.
or maybe a new person that fills the template 'Who' instead of 'that', maybe?
That person is not yet here
till that day I'll stick to these words


I can definitely tell it's heartfelt. I liked it.