#1
Newest song, completely different style from my usual, i've left out a lot of imagery and metaphor which a lot of people seemed to find pretentious... This is more in the form of a story. C4C as always.

The triangle is now a line

V1

The hour hand hits 6am
Another sleepless night
I accept defeat, get out of bed
Another fruitless fight
A cigarette sits on my desk
I light up with relief
My mind relaxes with thanks to
The healing amber leaf

Chorus

My heart’s a war zone
Charred and unstable
I should’ve known
From times before
Love is just a fable

V2

Torn between two options
My heart’s a tug of war
A copious situation
Not sure who I’m fighting for
So it’s onward to the station
I need some alcohol
Some liquid reassurance leads to
A drunken phone call

Chorus

V3

Now my option has been chosen
I hope it’s the right one
Understanding the thoughts of women
Is easier said than done
I’ve learned a life lesson
Honesty isn’t the best policy
For an 18 year old boy
Who’s just out to have some fun

Chorus

V4

The worst thing about love
Is that nobody gets out alive
At the center of a triangle
I’m going to ruin a life
The tug of war is won
By the girl I rooted for
The triangle’s now a line
I’m not at the centre any more
Last edited by Gord_90 at Mar 10, 2008,
#2
Edit: I actually posted twice, so have made an attempt to delete the first post.
Last edited by Lum at Mar 14, 2008,
#3
This song is pretty good,
But as the criticism helps, here it is:

Didnt like the way you ended parts of the verse with 'to'.

I like the first three verses, but didnt think the last verse matched up to them. (Didnt really think the song needed a fourth verse to be honest)

And I didnt like it when you said your age in the song, My reason for this is that I think it greatly narrows down the amount of people who could relate to the song. I also think that (Although I am only 17) stating that your this young could show your naivety and youth, so may put people off the song. I always think its best to never state your age, but I guess that's my opinion. However, can you see yourself singing that your 18 if you was to sing this song in 4 years time?

One last thing,
I would personally have the chorus written like this.

My heart’s a war,
Charred and unstable
I should’ve known from times before.
Love is only a fable

My reasons being that Leaving out zone, makes it a much more powerful statement, My heart's a war. Sounds strong and powerful, adding the zone continues the statement but I feel the word zone drags the listener/reader away from the word war. I would also make 'My heart is war' The title of the piece as I think that is a great one liner.
Then combining the 3rd and 4th line makes it flow better and also before rhymes with war.
The word 'just' is used a hell of alot, and i think 'only' is such a stronger more emotional word.

Thats all I can really suggest to improve it but apart from that I think it is a good song.