#1
This is a yet unfinished piece, the chorus still needs to be written and the I need more verses even if seems strange. If you read it you realize that not everything yet has been said it going somewhere but isn't there yet.

Crit for Crit

I Tried To Run

Her different shades of black fill my mind
She turns around I find I cannot hide
Those eyes tormenting me so unkind
I was so afraid that she could see inside

Pull down the veil cause you really don't want to know
Take your loaded gun and shoot it full of holes
But maybe someday you'll see how the story goes
But for now my lover just watch as the blood flows

I am the son that will never escape the father
I am the one who will always be after
The tainted love that was never given
The hated eyes that we're always rejected

I sink away in her different shades of black
I tried to run but I found the old nightmares we're back
The high wooden stairs with the faces all cracked
The memories burning as my blood runs black

I am the prodigal son that will never return
The deserted house that now slowly burns
She fills my conscience and makes me yearn
You'll cover the wounds but you'll never learn
#3
Quote by LP51122
nice


Care to elaborate maybe and give some more constructive criticism ?
#4
i like the way you have the father/son thing and the boy/girl thing going on simultaneously. I would like to have the story finished, keep working
i need to hear some sounds that recognize the pain in me, yeah.
#5
Quote by GNR's Fan
This is a yet unfinished piece, the chorus still needs to be written and the I need more verses even if seems strange. If you read it you realize that not everything yet has been said it going somewhere but isn't there yet.

Crit for Crit

I Tried To Run

Her different shades of black fill my mind
She turns around I find I cannot hide
Those eyes tormenting me so unkind
I was so afraid that she could see inside

\Really good opening. The only thing I'd change is, instead of saying, 'I was so afraid', I'd say 'I am so afraid', it keeps the tense better. Though, that really doesn't matter, just thinking.

Pull down the veil cause you really don't want to know
Take your loaded gun and shoot it full of holes
But maybe someday you'll see how the story goes
But for now my lover just watch as the blood flows
Good, except the last line. A few too many syllables. Maybe, 'watch the blood flow', instead of 'watch as the blood flows'? Also, in the first line, maybe try to find a way around using 'cause, it sounds a bit off in that context.

I am the son that will never escape the father
I am the one who will always be after
The tainted love that was never given
The hated eyes that we're always rejected
Awesome. Maybe get one more syllable in the second line.

I sink away in her different shades of black
I tried to run but I found the old nightmares we're back
The high wooden stairs with the faces all cracked
The memories burning as my blood runs black
Once again, very good. The second line I think is a little uneven. You could probably go without saying 'I found'. Also, the last line disrupts the flow a bit. I'd either change it to, 'memories BURN as my blood runs black', or 'memories ARE burning as my blood runs black'. Personally, I'd change burning to burn.


I am the prodigal son that will never return
The deserted house that now slowly burns
She fills my conscience and makes me yearn
You'll cover the wounds but you'll never learn
Awesome ending. Wraps up what you have very very well, good job.

I though it was really good. A few minor tweaks could be useful, but awesome job.
TheInfringement
#6
Thanks I'll take that into consideration and I'll post it again when it's done and the guitar recording when I get my MTR.