#1
this is an acoustic yet fastly paced song kind of like the song dumb by nirvana

here are the lyrics
if anyone could give me some constructive critisizm that would be great

ten of my arms
wave infront
i comprehend
its sureal
im out of it
sluring with spit
im am a pig
a selfish man

i dont care
ill just go get baked
throw it away
toss out my problems

who even cares
i am my own man

you yell at me
i stare to the distance
ruins my life

but then again who caaares
ill just go get baked
stoned or drunk

im self centered
yet self aware
im self destructive
and dont even care

im stiiil baked


ok those are my lyrics can someone crit ?
Last edited by BittertwistedZa at Mar 11, 2008,
#3
I want this song NOW!
Let's get to work....NAW!
Gear:
-Ibanez
--RG270DX~Blk
--AGS83 Semihlw~Ant.
--AEF30 AcEl~Trans Blk
-BC Rich ST III~Snakeskin
-Strat~oly wht Hendrix
-OLP Tin Top
-Roland Cube30x
-Epi VJ -modded
-4x12 Marshall cab
-Pocket Pod
-Hendrix Wah
-Slash Wah
much more
#5
I think it's pretty good, and I'm sure it would be better with the music behind it.
It all makes sense
We're capable of beauty
Through sounds that make on cringe
The dogs only hear us now

#6
i like it
there should be a cool instrumental bit:
ill just go get baked
throw it away
toss out my problems
<-----------------------------------here
who even cares
i am my own man
<----------------------------------and here
you yell at me
i stare to the distance
ruins my life
Looks like someone woke up on the wrong side of the cake this morning!

yeah, that's an inside joke. i made it different colors and sizes to be obnoxious...
#7
be weary of the difference between people who liked it and people who will like anything with the word "baked" in it, let alone the title.

Quote by BittertwistedZa
this is an acoustic yet fastly paced song kind of like the song dumb by nirvana

here are the lyrics
if anyone could give me some constructive critisizm that would be great

ten of my arms
wave infront

i liked this. it was probably a better, more subtle, image than anything else in this.

i comprehend
its sureal
im out of it
sluring with spit
im am a pig
a selfish man

it's unclear as to what you're comprehending. you comprehend that it's surreal and that you're out of it? i don't comprehend anything when i'm out of it. i think this is where you start feigning the whole personage of "i'm a stoner and i don't care if you don't like it." which is pretty lame. i mean, it's great if that's how you feel, but you shouldn't have to put it so bluntly. eluding to your behavior in a more toned-down fashion would show, in itself, how insouciant you are in terms of drug-use.

also here, you start in on a completely different issue about how you're a pig. and i understand that this was influenced by kurt cobain, so the whole self-hating thing is sure to rub off on you, too, but it doesn't fit in this stanza. not to me, anyway.


i dont care
ill just go get baked
throw it away
toss out my problems

okay, you don't care. i already explained my whole problem with this.
but other than that, you address it in an absolutely cliche way by saying "toss out my problems"


who even cares
i am my own man

redundant.

you yell at me
i stare to the distance
ruins my life

but then again who caaares
ill just go get baked
stoned or drunk

all right, another problem with this whole thing other than the fact that it seems like a complete and total facade is that it has been done to and beyond its capacity a countless number of times before you. it's not as shocking as it would have been 50 years ago. in fact, it's just irritating now.

im self centered
yet self aware
im self destructive
and dont even care

im stiiil baked


ok those are my lyrics can someone crit ?
#8
um i didnt really like it :S just not my style i guess. Others may like it, but not me.

The music would probably change my mind, or may not.

I cant really say much lol well keep writing :P

"When the power of love overcomes the love of power, the world will know peace." - Jimi Hendrix
#10
The topic is good, and the first lines are great, but after that, the message gets a little mixed. Here, I'll crit each part like someone above me did:


ten of my arms
wave infront Good representation
i comprehend If you're baked, how do you comprehend anything?
its sureal Good metaphor, build off it
im out of it
sluring with spit
im am a pig Don't insult yourself, you're supposed to not even care!
a selfish man same problem here. What happened to not caring?

i dont care
ill just go get baked
throw it away
toss out my problems This whole phrase is good.

who even cares
i am my own man Perfect.

you yell at me
i stare to the distance Maybe include that you are still happy, but this is good.
ruins my life Don't mention it ruining you if you really don't care about it.

but then again who caaares
ill just go get baked
stoned or drunk

im self centered Don't admit to your flaws. They're not important.
yet self aware No. Bad. You've been saying you don't even care. Being self aware kind of interupts the message you're passing. It would work better to say you don't even think about it, which being self aware doesn't fit with it.
im self destructive Maybe take this out, because knowing that would probaly mean you do care, but this one could work. Leave it if you want.
and dont even care

im stiiil baked

Okay, I know my criting seemed harsh, but it was meant to be constructive. Your writing was actually pretty good, the message just got a little distorted.
#11
All in all, I think this is your best piece.. it's not great, but it's not bad.
Just remember to try and use as much creativity and imagination as possible. Choose your words and message carefully.


Quote by BittertwistedZa


ten of my arms
wave infront
i comprehend
its sureal
im out of it
sluring with spit
im am a pig
a selfish man

The first six lines are probably the best you've come up with ever. They convey a clear message, and it's pretty good imagery. Try appealing to all of the senses, especially when in reference to intoxication from a drug. The last few lines are vague and could probably be out of the song all together.

i dont care
ill just go get baked
throw it away
toss out my problems

This could be better written... sounds sort of cliche if you ask me.

who even cares
i am my own man

you yell at me
i stare to the distance
ruins my life

same with this part...

but then again who caaares
ill just go get baked
stoned or drunk

Lol, this part too, you should be as creative as you possibly can.

im self centered
yet self aware
im self destructive
and dont even care

change AND DONT EVEN CARE to something else, and it should be good [/n]

im stiiil baked


Marijuana is the spice of life.

I Force Choke my penis when I masturbate.

8)-~