#1
Should students be able to listen to music in school? Many have attempted to, only to be punished by teachers and principals. People have had their cd players taken away, been suspended, or given multiple weeks of detention.

Music has been used to alter one’s mood for centuries. It is able to affect mood via the Mozart’s Effect, which states that listening to music, particularly one you like, will momentarily improve the listener’s intellect. This should be enough to enable students to be allowed to listen to music in class, but only after an assignment has been given. This would ensure students will not be distracted by the music and not receive the assignment. This way they will get their assignment and then be allowed to listen to what they chose. This will also help keep students calm and concentrated, because they will be listening to the music instead of talking.

This is why I believe students should be allowed to listen to music in class. It would keep the students happier, they would not talk as much, and, based on the Mozart’s Effect, they spatial intelligence will temporally be increased, allowing them to do better.

This is supposed to be a persuasive essay to a principal regarding school policies towards technological devices(cell phone/cdplayer/i-pods) in class. The program said the first paragraph was weak, along with the last paragraph(summary/conclusion), and that my word choice was poor. Any help is appreciated.

*NOTE: I'm a much better writer tan this. I just had little time at the moment, and I have already reviewed it once. Just can't think straight right now.
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Last edited by Pinky19 at Mar 10, 2008,
#2
try asking a question to start it off like how do you like to calm yourself, personally i believe music is a perfect outlet and helps me focus on the task at hand
#3
The first sentence is a question.
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#4
yes but not that it seems a little weak to start off the paper but dont disregard that totally. use it somewhere else like to start off the main body of your paper
#5
Here is a tip: Do not start your dissertation with a question for the reader. The best way to open up a paper is to provide an out-of-the-ordinary statement. Must be truthful, but this will serve as your "attention-grabber." Usually the first paragraph is your only chance to tell a story. You could paint a scenario for your reader that leads to the thesis. For example, I wrote a paper on Iran and their nuclear aspirations. I wrote it like an author of a novel. I narrated a little story essentially saying Tel-Aviv was nuked.

Your thesis statement, at the end (usually, but not always the case) of your opening paragraph, opens up your question of, "should students be able to listen to music?" But do not write it in the form of a question!
Last edited by the spiker at Mar 10, 2008,
#6
Quote by OfficerSxyPants
yes but not that it seems a little weak to start off the paper but dont disregard that totally. use it somewhere else like to start off the main body of your paper


If he's going to use it, it's best advised to use it at the start of the intro.
The intro is to be the broad range of the topic, and the only reason you should use a question in to spark interest on the first hit of the paper.

Personally, I think any rhetorical questions ruin a paper and are a cry for style.
#7
for one thing, in your conclusion don't say "this is why I..." You never want to say that, you should steer away from saying things like that and "in conclusion..."
I think a 3.5 essay would work quite well here, just try to think of three reasons, but if you can't 3 paragraphs would still be okay
also, ur conclusion is two sentances, make it longer and make a strong closing sentance.
A strong thesis statement would also be nice
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#8
Here is a tip: Do not start your dissertation with a question for the reader. The best way to open up a paper is to provide an out-of-the-ordinary statement. Must be truthful, but this will serve as your "attention-grabber." Usually the first paragraph is your only chance to tell a story. You could paint a scenario for your reader that leads to the thesis. For example, I wrote a paper on Iran and their nuclear aspirations. I wrote it like an author of a novel. I narrated a little story essentially saying Tel-Aviv was nuked.

Your thesis statement, at the end (usually, but not always the case) of your opening paragraph, opens up your question of, "should students be able to listen to music?" But do not write it in the form of a question![/]

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#9
Avoid using "is," and vary your sentence structure. In formal writing, you want to avoid a structure like "This is ______. Therefore, _____. this is also _________-. Therefore, _____.", etcetera. You'll be more persuasive and sound more credible if you use more advanced style.

Also you might want to expand this a little bit, it seems lacking in content.

Lastly, your thesis shoudl state your point, not the question. Write, "Students shoudl be able to listen to music in school." A question makes the essay start off sounding wishy-washy.
#10
telling a story does sound like a good idea tho. tell about how you were stressed about a assignment and music was your outlet and could be a useful tool in the classroom
#11
I really dont want to hijack this thread but I'm having the exact problem, and since the poster above me mentioned thesis statements which is exactly what I'm having trouble with I'll ask my question.

I have to write an essay about " Global Warming is arguably the greatest challenge my generation will face"
Now since this is such a massive subject my teacher wants us to zoom in on our communty and talk about how locally this will affect us.
My thesis right now is sort of "Within the next 15 years the Kootenays is going to experience environmental, economic and un reversable changes due to Global Warming" Or something atleast like that.
So is this a thesis statement and will i be able to write an essay with this? I also need other ideas and stuff to say, I'm really not feeling this essay
#12
I have had horrible teachers, so I have no idea what a thesis statement is. Also, no 3.5 essays,
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#13
I agree with your side but not with your argument. Kids don't listen to music that makes them happier or smarter. In fact kids don't even listen to music they like. It's not going to have a positive effect on the education because of that. I just think students should be able to listen to music because there's no point in administrators wasting their time telling them not to.
#14
Quote by flame843
Avoid using "is," and vary your sentence structure. In formal writing, you want to avoid a structure like "This is ______. Therefore, _____. this is also _________-. Therefore, _____.", etcetera. You'll be more persuasive and sound more credible if you use more advanced style.

Also you might want to expand this a little bit, it seems lacking in content.

Lastly, your thesis shoudl state your point, not the question. Write, "Students shoudl be able to listen to music in school." A question makes the essay start off sounding wishy-washy.

thanks man, I understood you.
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#15
Quote by Pinky19
I have had horrible teachers, so I have no idea what a thesis statement is. Also, no 3.5 essays,


The thesis statement is when you state the point you are making.

As in, if your essay was about how Mark Twain used satire in Hucklenerry Finn, your thesis could be

"Mark Twain uses satire in The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn to point out human gullibility, double-standards, and warped perceptions of glory."


In your case, you want something like:

"Students should be allowed to listen to music in school because [general point] and [general point]."


The points you make in the thesis statement guide the rest of the essay.
#16
I am a couple semesters away from graduating with a bachelor's in English and a teaching certificate so if there are any more questions about this I could help out. Just send me a message or something if you want, I've got plenty of time but nothing to do.
me fail english? that's unpossible!
#17
so the thesis statement should be the first statement?
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#18
Quote by OfficerSxyPants
telling a story does sound like a good idea tho. tell about how you were stressed about a assignment and music was your outlet and could be a useful tool in the classroom

It is not the only way to open up a paper. My whole point is to add entertainment value to the writing. Consider this: the teacher or professor will be reading dozens and in some cases hundreds of papers. You must set your self apart. It helps you "win."

Another tip: avoid using "you, I, we, me, you're. etc" Must remain in the third person.
#19
Quote by Pinky19
I have had horrible teachers, so I have no idea what a thesis statement is. Also, no 3.5 essays,

im sorry, but if your teacher is telling you to write an essay and you above the sixth grade, thay should make you know what a thesis statement is. Usually if i write essays for a big grade and they have a rubric, the thesis staement has its own section and thats how important it is. Your teacher is not doing a good job i must say.

A thesis staement basically tells the reader what you are goin to talk about. it is usually the two or three main answers to your question that you are going to go in to more depth in the body of the essay. It is generaly located at the end of the introduction
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#20
Quote by Pinky19
so the thesis statement should be the first statement?


It depends on how long the essay is. If you're writing a one-paragraph essay it's fine to start with it, but if you're doign a three-paragraph essay like yours seems to be, it's best to lead up to the thesis, like this:

For decades, schools and their pupils have been at odds as to what constitutes invasion of privacy. What schoolboards might see as disruptive and inappropriate, students might find uninvasive and harmless. Recently, the issue of whether mp3 players should be allowed in school has emerged. Students shoudl be allowed to...blah blah blah"
#21
No amount of re-working could cover the fact that your argument is tentative at best. You try too much to assert a view on the reader. Instead try to use their own views to support your point; for instance say something like "At most institutions of higher learning the decision to listen to music in class or not is left to the discretion of the student. However, the student must also be held accountable for the knowledge he or she has gained from the class. If we are truly being prepared for a college education we, the students, should be allowed to use class time as we wish, so long as we can attest to our knowledge of the subject at hand."

Kind of a ****ty opening paragraph but you get the idea.
#22
And they say the pit is full of idiots =)
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#23
Quote by lo_jack
No amount of re-working could cover the fact that your argument is tentative at best. You try too much to assert a view on the reader. Instead try to use their own views to support your point; for instance say something like "At most institutions of higher learning the decision to listen to music in class or not is left to the discretion of the student. However, the student must also be held accountable for the knowledge he or she has gained from the class. If we are truly being prepared for a college education we, the students, should be allowed to use class time as we wish, so long as we can attest to our knowledge of the subject at hand."

Kind of a ****ty opening paragraph but you get the idea.

It doesn't have views. It is a program.
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#24
Quote by Pinky19
And they say the pit is full of idiots =)

Here is another thing you must learn. Site your source. You the writer are not an expert. Always make a statement, back it up and explain. Source A argues music causes distractions. Source B, on the other hand, disagrees and cites an experiment that was conducted on [date, location etc] that came to the conclusion of [___].

Provide me contextual evidence. Who said "the pit is full of idiots." Why did they say it? What do they mean? Where is their source of information? Are there any disagreements within the academic community?
Last edited by the spiker at Mar 10, 2008,
#25
Why don't you make me!?!?!?!?!
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#26
another hint i just remembered: use transitions
when moving to a new idea or point, make it flow, don't just jump into something new
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#27
Quote by Pinky19
Why don't you make me!?!?!?!?!

You will find most* professors are stuck-up and snobby. They view the scientific and academic community as the pinnacle of human understanding and achievement. To pet this ego means to "win" and receive an A.

*Where is my source? Attend a university.
#28
Quote by Pinky19
It doesn't have views. It is a program.


Like a computer program? Why would you write for one of those, they have awful taste.
#29
Quote by Elioz
I really dont want to hijack this thread but I'm having the exact problem, and since the poster above me mentioned thesis statements which is exactly what I'm having trouble with I'll ask my question.

I have to write an essay about " Global Warming is arguably the greatest challenge my generation will face"
Now since this is such a massive subject my teacher wants us to zoom in on our communty and talk about how locally this will affect us.
My thesis right now is sort of "Within the next 15 years the Kootenays is going to experience environmental, economic and un reversable changes due to Global Warming" Or something atleast like that.
So is this a thesis statement and will i be able to write an essay with this? I also need other ideas and stuff to say, I'm really not feeling this essay


Your thesis is too narrow. While it is focused, you should broaden it up in case you find you're writing yourself into a corner.

Next use "irreversible"(not un reversable) to modify "economic and environmental", don't let it stand alone. This way, your examples are logically categorized and your point about change is more efficiently emphasized.

Also say "due to the effects of Global Warming".
#30
You'll want to address concerns about cheating. Perhaps suggest that only formats that cannot be easily altered be allowed in class. Like CDs. I'm sure someone somewhere knows how to mess with a commercially recorded CD, but damned if I'd know how.
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#31
I'm sorry, but your "essay" is painfully underwhelming.

Your these is unclear, your argument weak, your supports almost nonexistent, your structure meager.

You seem dependent on the Mozart effect, which is easily countered by the fact that most young people today do not listen to Mozart, and listen to other genres that can be construed as "destructive."

If I were you, I would stay after school and thoroughly go over how to write a proper essay with my teacher.

...modes and scales are still useless.


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#32
Is it just me, or do you not have a thesis? Make your thesis a subject of debate. It can't be a fact, or then there's no point to the essay. It's also waaaay too short. Your diction's a bit forced. And check up on your facts more. It sounds as if you are unsure or BS'ing it, or something, lol. Include a few statistics.

EDIT: Is it insure, or ensure? I'm pretty sure it'd be insure, but I'm not really sure.
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Last edited by abcdboy at Mar 11, 2008,
#33
Quote by Xiaoxi
I'm sorry, but your "essay" is painfully underwhelming.

Your these is unclear, your argument weak, your supports almost nonexistent, your structure meager.

You seem dependent on the Mozart effect, which is easily countered by the fact that most young people today do not listen to Mozart, and listen to other genres that can be construed as "destructive."

If I were you, I would stay after school and thoroughly go over how to write a proper essay with my teacher.


I find that the effect isn't just with Mozart or even just with classical music. I remember finding homework in a difficult subject much easier while listening to Genesis eons ago, and recently I found it's easier to focus on data editing if I'm listening to music no matter what's in my CD player. It could be anything from opera to Dixie Chicks to the latest Headbanger's Ball compilation depending on my mood.
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#34
Quote by queenofthenight
I find that the effect isn't just with Mozart or even just with classical music. I remember finding homework in a difficult subject much easier while listening to Genesis eons ago, and recently I found it's easier to focus on data editing if I'm listening to music no matter what's in my CD player. It could be anything from opera to Dixie Chicks to the latest Headbanger's Ball compilation depending on my mood.

Well I'm sure that personal experiences vary. However, if I remember correctly, the conclusion of the Mozart effect is that when one listens to Mozart, one's intelligence could be enhanced. To me, the study seems to imply that one must be listening to clear and balanced classical music to be mentally enhanced.

...modes and scales are still useless.


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#35
Quote by Pinky19
Should students be able to listen to music in school? Many have attempted to, only to be punished by teachers and principals. People have had their cd players taken away,



Is this essay from 1996?
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