#1
fresh pressed linens bathing in our summer sweat,
jokes that didn't land are pounding at our door begging for laughs.
we are at the bottom of the energy barrel fighting for scraps,
a couple of twenty some year old runaways who couldn't make it pass
the town square without turning back.
we don't have to leave but we've no reason to stay,
parking meters long expired begging passer-bys for change,
i would empty out my pockets but i am afraid all you would find
is lint and turn away.

'i love you and you like me just the same.'


i asked, calmly in return,

'do you when i'm pounding on vending machines
and sucking ice through a straw?
when i am shaking mountains or
when i climb on top and
you tell me that you've had enough?'

she mumbled in a comely clarity,

'i wouldn't have it any other way'
Last edited by rushmore at Apr 3, 2008,
#2
damn that was really cool. cant say anything bad about it, but i like the way you used a comma in the first line, as if the linens were bathing in the sweat instead of the two of you.
i need to hear some sounds that recognize the pain in me, yeah.
#3
Quote by rushmore
fresh pressed, linens bathing in our summer sweat,
jokes that didn't land are pounding at our door begging for laughs. I love these two lines. Perfect.
we are at the bottom of the energy barrel fighting for scraps,
a couple of twenty some year old runaways who couldn't make it pass
the town square without turning back. The first line wasn't that good but the second one made up for it.
we don't have to leave but we've no reason to stay,
parking meters long expired begging passer-bys for change, Great metaphor
i would empty out my pockets but i am afraid all you would find
is lint and turn away. Don't like this ending. It just doesn't seem to work for me. Maybe end it on the line before this.

'i love you and you like me just the same.' I wasn't sure about this line, but after reading the rest ... I like it.


i asked, calmly in return,

'do you when i'm pounding on vending machines
and sucking ice through a straw?
when i am shaking mountains or
when i climb on top and
you tell me that you've had enough?' Very good, vague and yet obvious.

she mumbled in a comely clarity,

'i wouldn't have it any other way'


The ending is fantastic, a really good piece of writing. just a few minor things really. C4C? (They're in my sig.)
#4
i liked it in my head it sounded like that one modest mouse song where he goes "a tiny little ma told s tiny little joke..." to me thats the way it sounded in my head the whole way through

only thing i would change is 20 y/o'd to 20 something

C4C my song its Hey You(me?)
Just because I play the drums doesn't mean I suck at guitar, or ams that I's iz stoopidz.


Space that ain't yours
#6
fresh pressed, linens bathing in our summer sweat,
I really don't think there needs to be a comma here.
jokes that didn't land are pounding at our door begging for laughs.
this is one hell of a line man. For sure a keeper.
we are at the bottom of the energy barrel fighting for scraps,
a couple of twenty some year old runaways who couldn't make it pass
the town square without turning back.
we don't have to leave but we've no reason to stay,
parking meters long expired begging passer-bys for change,
i would empty out my pockets but i am afraid all you would find
is lint and turn away.

I actually love all of this. I am looking for something to crit, but this is making me wish I wrote it more and more. Very well done.

'i love you and you like me just the same.'


i asked, calmly in return,

'do you when i'm pounding on vending machines
and sucking ice through a straw?
when i am shaking mountains or
when i climb on top and
you tell me that you've had enough?'

eh, this whole mountian idea is kind of tired, maybe try a different idea here...doesn't mean I hate it, it just that it doesn't live up to the rest of the piece.

she mumbled in a comely clarity,

'i wouldn't have it any other way'

good ending to a really solid piece I think, if only you possibly change that one part that I mentioned. I appreciate you commenting on my piece...I was beginning to think that it wasn't worthy, but because of you i might reconsider.
#8
fresh pressed, linens bathing in our summer sweat,
jokes that didn't land are pounding at our door begging for laughs.
I'm sort of in disagreeance [spl?] with the other two critiques on these lines. I thought the second line broke the flow a lot, I dunno why, but for some reason I expected a rhyme between sweat and the second line, I also feel like the second line is too long.
we are at the bottom of the energy barrel fighting for scraps,
a couple of twenty some year old runaways who couldn't make it pass
the town square without turning back.
Should it be 'past' ? I preferred these lines because of the rhymes.
we don't have to leave but we've no reason to stay,
parking meters long expired begging passer-bys for change,
i would empty out my pockets but i am afraid all you would find
is lint and turn away.
I like this, I think the second line is too wordy and awkward, but other than that it's great.

'i love you and you like me just the same.'


i asked, calmly in return,

'do you when i'm pounding on vending machines
and sucking ice through a straw?
when i am shaking mountains or
when i climb on top and
you tell me that you've had enough?'

she mumbled in a comely clarity,

'i wouldn't have it any other way'

I'm in two minds here. The conversation comes in rather abrubtly. I think that the questions, or rather the statements either side of each 'or' don't really fit together too well, the mountain line seems out of place when put along side the next line... and vice versa.

I think the last line is a bit weak. Especially with the 'she mumbled in a comely clarity' preluding it. <- that bit would work if there was something more powerful after it, but the way it is now... I dunno, it's a let down for me.

Overall, I liked it. I think there are a few flow issues and awkward spots, but other than that it's pretty cool. Thanks for the words on mine.
O! music: Click (Youtube)


^ Click to see an acoustic arrangement of Ke$ha's 'Your Love is my Drug' - everyone's favourite song.
#9
fresh pressed, linens bathing in our summer sweat,
jokes that didn't land are pounding at our door begging for laughs.
we are at the bottom of the energy barrel fighting for scraps,
a couple of twenty some year old runaways who couldn't make it pass
the town square without turning back.

I don't like where the line break is in these^ two lines. It makes the scraps/pass/back rhyme sound forced. And yeah, it should be "past".

we don't have to leave but we've no reason to stay,
parking meters long expired begging passer-bys for change,
i would empty out my pockets but i am afraid all you would find
is lint and turn away.

'i love you and you like me just the same.'


i asked, calmly in return,

'do you when i'm pounding on vending machines
and sucking ice through a straw?
when i am shaking mountains or
when i climb on top and
you tell me that you've had enough?'

she mumbled in a comely clarity,

'i wouldn't have it any other way'


This was alright. The dialogue was good. My biggest problem with the piece was that the first stanza didn't seem to have good enough flow to support the rhyme that was obviously intended. It's hard to make that rhyme scheme work with lines that are so long, though the ideas were good as always.

Not bad though. I don't have anything new, so this one's on the house.
#11
thanks everyonee.ill start returning crits in a bit.
bassbeat (i dont know if i ever got your name) just let me know when you post something. im sure i owe you a sh.itload of crits anyways