#1
I wrote this song pretty much OTS but I looked over it and thought it could use a lot of improvement. I would really like some help with it. C4C

By Your Side


Ooh…

Looking in your eyes,
All those countless times,
That you were there and I was by your side.
And I know your truths,
And I know your lies,
But I can’t seem to be there by your side.

Ooh…

I tried to write another verse,
But the words don’t come out right,
All my feelings for you yet I can not empathise.
What this is I feel,
I’ve never felt before,
But I still feel like you’re needing something more.

Ooh…

Tell me what you want,
Tell me what you need,
Tell me what it takes to get by your side. x4

Ooh…
#2
idk wat it is but it doesn't sound rite to, its too vague. i mean it flows but after reading it i don't get a feeling of anything
Just because I play the drums doesn't mean I suck at guitar, or ams that I's iz stoopidz.


Space that ain't yours
#3
I like it for the most part, but there is one major change I think you could make here. I think you could use a better phrase than "by your side" and replace it everywhere in the song.

The words "by your side" seem elementary and cliche to me. If you are referring to a physical positional relationship between the narrator and the other object, presumably another person, say that in different words. Why is it "by your side" and not inside, outside, beyond, over, under, within, or something like that? If it's not the position that is important to you here, then try something shows the strong bond between the two individuals that seems to be missing now. I can't think of any potential replacements right now other than "alone with you," but I think that is only one step better. If you wanted to make the song sexual, you could use "sleep with you" or some variation of that.

I'm not sure if I explained that very well. If what I wrote above didn't make sense, allow me to try again. Your song sounds like it is quite emotional, and you're words reflect this, but the phrase "by your side" is so neutral. This phrase doesn't have any larger implications, and it doesn't convey any imagery; it just lacks depth. The words "by your side" are a just space holder for the better phrase I would love to see here.
The Setup:
Fender Standard Stratocaster
Crate GFX-30
Vox AD50VT
#4
Thank you very much for the crit. I get exactly what you are saying and I will think about it and see what I can do. Thanx for the help.
#5
What? I like it. I've never heard anything like it. It's original. It could use a little more feel but other that its fine
#6
Thats Brilliant! Well Done
Hull City A.F.C

Quote by Thrashtastic15
crunkym toy diuckl;ess ass ****igkjn ****** **** bitch ass pussy ****er douchecanoe ****** **** you s omn cnt you lieet le biutch