#1
Song I've had kicking around on my computer for a while. I'm hoping for any crits on this (C4C) you guys are willing to give:

I always thought you were an asshole
and you did so many drugs you could barely talk
skipping beats like skipping school
and so drunk that you could barely walk

Oh, you rubbed up with the very best
when you were lower than the worst
and you held them like the hand of god
when you were stoned and unrehearsed

There's no poetry in failiure
no poetry in your success
It's that itch in the middle
that makes you write the best

There's no poetry in failiure
no poetry in your success
It's that itch in the middle
that makes you write the best

And you are sharper as hollow man
than those needles that dragged you there
cursed eyes, cursed heart, cursed mouth
and a mind that will just never care
#2
Not that good but OK
Hull City A.F.C

Quote by Thrashtastic15
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#3
Quote by eebee


I always thought you were an asshole
and you did so many drugs you could barely talk This isn't very subtle, unless that's what you're going for.
skipping beats like skipping school I don't completely get this simile.
and so drunk that you could barely walk Sort of clichéd rhyme.

Oh, you rubbed up with the very best
when you were lower than the worst
and you held them like the hand of god
when you were stoned and unrehearsed Now these two lines I like a lot.

There's no poetry in failiure
no poetry in your success
It's that itch in the middle
that makes you write the best Absolutely wonderful stanza. A++ and lots of thumbs up.

There's no poetry in failiure
no poetry in your success
It's that itch in the middle
that makes you write the best

And you are sharper as hollow man As 'a' hollow man?
than those needles that dragged you there Ooh, I like this too.
cursed eyes, cursed heart, cursed mouth Not sure about the last two lines.
and a mind that will just never care Also, no need for 'just'


Some brilliant lines there. Keep it up.
Crit mine?
#4
I can see where you are cmoing from but there are a few cliches thatlet you down.
"and so drunk that you can barely walk" very cliched phrase and rhyme, try taking a less obvious approach, maybe even force the rhyme a little. Also, the second line, "and you did so many drugs you could barely talk", is again too obvious, and not very poetic. Again, try to make it a bit more vague.

The chorus I loved, as well as the second stanza, especially the last two lines.

The last stanza I feel let the song down, it needs a lot of work. I can't add much to what Easty1 has already said, but I suggest you take the advice, because this could be a very good song. C4C?