#1
Yeah, this is a return to song lyrics after the past few attempts at poems. It's a love song of sorts, which I don't really have experience with. And it sounds better when it's put to music, so vv
Oh, and crit for crit, it goes without saying
---------
Every night a little death
and every night a little guilt for you
so don't let us down
don't let me down

And I'm sure your pillow's heard it all
but you're the last good thing to come
out of our hometown
out of your hometown

Don't let the ****ers get a bead on you
Promise me
You won't let them get a bead on you

Well these years of awkward social graces
have ****ed me over through and through
and I love the way they still apply
to you

And you could be my protégé
if that's alright with you
but you wouldn't like to act
the way I do

Don't let the ****ers get a bead on you
Promise me
You won't let them get a bead on you

And I was never gifted in conversation
Except in treble clefs and minor keys
I'm trite and tested
But you're a beautiful indent on my horizon
And Faust ain't got nothing on me

Every night a little death
and every night a little guilt for you
so don't be deterred
don't be deterred

There's no time to waste with you
Not as much as I'd prefer
and if some loves can be poetry
then ours can be random words

Don't let the ****ers get a bead on you
Promise me
You won't let them get a bead on you

Oh, I could walk you home
over and over again
And you can shine on this earth for as long as you dare
Last edited by Easty1 at Mar 11, 2008,
#2
I'm going to start off by saying that I would class this as a free peom, not a song. The rhythm is hard to detect and changes with every stanza. Overall, i liked it. The first stanza I didn't like, i thought it was too cliched and dull, but the second stanza grabbed me. I wasn't really sure, and I'm still not, about the Chorus? it just doesn't seem to fit with the rest of the song. The 4th stanza I liked, but not the fifth. Again, ot just didn't seem to fit in with the rest of the poem/song. The 7th stanza is good, a little cliched here and there, but the last line is very good in my opinion. Again, the 8th one I didn't like at all, but the 9th stanza I believe is the best. the last stanza is good but not fantastic, maybe put it somewhere else and end on the chorus. Or...swap it and the one before the last chorus. That would sound great. Anyway...hope this helped. C4C?
#4
I absolutely like this piece. I think the chorus seems a little awkward when mixed with the rest of the song. It just kind of seems like it keeps jumping to a completely different train of thought every time it comes up. As far as the verses, go you're in gold territory. The last one seems a little pushed, but its still definitely good enough to keep in there.
#5
I love the first two verses. I think the rest could use some work - at least from my POV, it doesn't flow quite as well after that.
I'm vindictive!