#1
second song ive ever written...dont really know how to do it or anything but here it goes

In the end is everything and nothing all at once
Machine guns ready and willing to pounce
Unsuspecting victims fall far short of their crimes
No one can predict the end of times

They say what they want for as long as they can
There is nothing to stop them from making a stand
Collisions in the air send warnings to the ground
The neutral planet stops spinning around

And in the end there is nothing
Because everything remains the same
The same vicious cycle can not hope to remain
The age of violence ever closer to complete
When there are tears in the sky and blood on the streets


Not done yet...i dont think...i dont know. let me know what you think
#2
well i think iit's great..
i love it.. i mean...
wish i could write that
Quote by Moggan13
Serjem is like a Bishops testicals: Swollen
ಠ_ಠ
IIIIfb * KARKOLI * ytIIII(mostly rock... a little funky, a little hard just the way you want it )
#3
I like it. I like the first and last line u wrote especially. Keep it up dude.
#4
hey thanks guys
im going to take this and make some improvements, maybe make it a bit longer / clearer
#5
i cant get once, and pounce to rhyme, no matter how much i say them different.
dont know if you want to change that or not. but yeh, its annoying.

i really like the first two lines in the second stanza, apecially the "They say what they want for as long as they can" it has great rhythm and flow to it.

i dont quite get "tears in the sky" is this because they have evaporated?


if you can get around to it, and crit mine, its called "pain of love". that would be awesome.
#6
Quote by HethaHORRIFIC
i cant get once, and pounce to rhyme, no matter how much i say them different.
dont know if you want to change that or not. but yeh, its annoying.

i really like the first two lines in the second stanza, apecially the "They say what they want for as long as they can" it has great rhythm and flow to it.

i dont quite get "tears in the sky" is this because they have evaporated?


if you can get around to it, and crit mine, its called "pain of love". that would be awesome.


good call on the opening rhyme. i guess i wasnt sure if i was going to commit to a rhyme scheme just then
#7
In the end is everything and nothing all at once
Machine guns ready and willing to pounce
Unsuspecting victims fall far short of their crimes
No one can predict the end of times

i really like this stanza, though once and punce dont really go with the rest of the rhym scheme.

They say what they want for as long as they can
There is nothing to stop them from making a stand
Collisions in the air send warnings to the ground
The neutral planet stops spinning around

I really love the first two lines in this one. I like how you comment on how people keep saying changes need to be made and they would make them themselves if they could when i actuallity they could if they were willing to try.

And in the end there is nothing
Because everything remains the same
The same vicious cycle can not hope to remain
The age of violence ever closer to complete
When there are tears in the sky and blood on the streets

this one I like a lot not much to say but still well writen.

Crit for Crit
Night Lurkers is the name
#8
It seems more like a poem than a song. It could maybe pass as an acoustic song. But overall, the content is great. The message is clear, it makes a strong point, and is represented in an amazing way. Keep up the good work!
#9
Quote by herby190
It seems more like a poem than a song. It could maybe pass as an acoustic song. But overall, the content is great. The message is clear, it makes a strong point, and is represented in an amazing way. Keep up the good work!


Yeah, my writing seems to always turn out as more poem like than song like for some reason. I guess I need more practice?
Thanks for the compliments!
I'll get around to crits some time tonight or tomorrow
ty again
#10
Quote by Telephis
Yeah, my writing seems to always turn out as more poem like than song like for some reason. I guess I need more practice?
Thanks for the compliments!
I'll get around to crits some time tonight or tomorrow
ty again

Lol, mine always end up the same. I have written about 8 times more poems than songs.