#1
Yep, a song. Needs work, I know. Tell me what to work on! <3 cabby

Last Train Home

Let's be cliche,
if only for a moment.
I'm okay to say,
the things you already know.

Let's strike two,
forget to mind.
The clocks much slower,
when you're on time.

Kill the suspense, kill the suspense.

You sold me on
the last train home.
Keep talking to me,
who knows what could be.
You sold me on
the last train home.
It's hard to see,
you're what keeps me
neck deep.

The definitions dead,
but I can save you.
Stay out of my head,
my mind plays war games for you.

Backed with reason,
I suppose.
Smile me a garden,
or love disrobed.

Kill the suspense, kill the suspense.

You sold me on
the last train home.
Keep talking to me,
who knows what could be.
You sold me on
the last train home.
It's hard to see,
you're what keeps me
neck deep.
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Portugal. The Man »–
Last edited by jasonmetal love at Mar 11, 2008,
#2
decent. you may want to change the name though. its already a song title. although i guess it doesn't matter.
#3
Last Train Home

Let's be cliche,
if only for a moment.
I'm okay to say,
the things you already know.

haha great start. i like the blunt start lets be cliche. lol not bad.. dont have anything terrible to say

Let's strike two,
forget to mind.
The clocks much slower,
when you're on time.

let's strike 2...mm lets think about this... i dont get it lol. other then that not bad

Kill the suspense, kill the suspense.

mm ok?

You sold me on
the last train home.
Keep talking to me,
who knows what could be.
You sold me on
the last train home.
It's hard to see,
you're what keeps me
neck deep.

so.. how do we go from cliche to clocks to murder to cho cho's? bit lost here man.. but thsi stanza isnt bad on it's own.

The definitions dead,
but I can save you.
Stay out of my head,
my mind plays war games for you.

ok... so we've just committed murder? lol what did the train run it over?. ok sorry bad joke but.. seriously bit lost man..

Backed with reason,
I suppose.
Smile me a garden,
or love disrobed.

mm.. ok the first two were good. the last line.. not so good. few things wrong with it. your forcing the abab there. caz or love disrobed.. common.. doest make sence with the rest of hte stanza. backed with reason/ i suppose/ smile me a garden/ or love disrobed.. OR LOVE DISROBED.. what does that mean?

Kill the suspense, kill the suspense.

repeat

You sold me on
the last train home.
Keep talking to me,
who knows what could be.
You sold me on
the last train home.
It's hard to see,
you're what keeps me
neck deep.
repeat.

mm.. so over all.. it was.. incoherent. and strewn togeather.. stanza stanza break down it was GREAT i mean you had solid stanza's and lines that wer wonderful. like my mind plays war games for you. that was good or LETS BE CLICHE!!! i love that it was great.. but... the problem is none of it looked like you had the samething in mind while writing it. like lets see the thought pattern, cliche-time idea-kill suspense which does tie in wih the time idea- then a train.... i got so lost. ok sorry i ramble but.. the main point is there is no theme that holds solid through the piece making it confusing.. not to say your a bad writer i mean the stanzas were good like i said, but the problem is it donest make sense. well ok i'm done sorry to be so harsh. keep working this shows promise i LOVE the first line.. omg i want to use it can i? any who crit mine? you can be as mcuh as an a-hole as you want return the favor?
It's not stalking to watch her sleep if she fell asleep watching a movie.
a silly wind
(\__/)
(='.'=) LoNg LivE tHe BunNy!
(")_(")
#4
Psh. Predictable fools! You clicked it didn't you?
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Portugal. The Man »–
Last edited by jasonmetal love at Oct 21, 2008,