#1
my scarf is curled tight round the end-posts of my bed
in some strange and lost limbo between winter and spring where
the weather's too warm to keep the cold out, but still too cold within.

and now the sun is peeking out and blazing through the glassy air,
and the daffodils now echo the winter bold bright sky,
and the bluebells are out and bowing on the lawn,

but the branches of the trees still stretch out stick thin,
dead and uncovered and touched, unprotected and freely,
by siberian winds and canadian winds, by sap freezing chills.

and i'm still here in limbo too, i'm still caught between being with you,
i'm still waiting through those days, stretched out here ahead of us,
'til you are close and we're wrapped, inside and so warm.



i'm very blocky. this was kinda ots, kinda not. i wrote it out in one without any revisions, but i did think about structure and things in advance. so yeah, its blocky and messy i guess but i thought i'd play with line lengths and things a little or something. i dunno. whatever. feel free to be mean. i think the meanness would be good, maybe. ahhh, who am i kidding, no-one will read this little postscript. if you are, more fool you.

c4c, naturally. leave me a link.
my name is matt. you can call me that if you like.
Last edited by Gurgle!Argh! at Mar 11, 2008,
#2
my scarf is curled tight round the end-posts of my bed
in some strange and lost limbo between winter and spring where
the weather's too warm to keep the cold out, but still too cold within.

i thought this would have great if you excluded the 'but still too cold within'. that seemed to mess up the flow because of how its worded.

and now the sun is peeking out and blazing through the glassy air,
and the daffodils now echo the winter bold bright sky,
and the bluebells are out and bowing on the lawn,

okay imagery, nothing incredible but it keeps the piece flowing and is a nice transition

but the branches of the trees still stretch out stick thin,
dead and uncovered and touched, unprotected and freely,
by siberian winds and canadian winds, by sap freezing chills.

i love the last line, the second line seems to just drag on, its a bit wordy i think. it still works because of how good the last line is.

and i'm still here in limbo too, i'm still caught between being with you,
i'm still waiting through those days, stretched out here ahead of us,
'til you are close and we're wrapped, inside and so warm.

this finishes the piece off nicely, kind of wraps it all up

pretty nice job. i think theres room for improvement but even without its fine

http://ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=809160