#1
A train ride,
closed eyes,
make the scenery more interesting,
a tired heart, for the most part,
is losing interest but it keeps on beating,
I'm a day late,
it's been such a long time since I,
kept track of the order they come along in,

I'd trade a thousand of these cliches,
to go back and do things all the same,
one day I'll move far away from here
and feel like this in a different place

A decision,
a revision,
forgetfulness is often quite close to bliss,
and sometimes,
when I lie,
fate's a fiction that I'd like to exist,
it's alright,
we're all ****ing hypocrites and poor,
imposters and i don't feel so bad

my eyes are glass, my arm starts to shake,
I already have enough time to waste,
one day I'll move far away from here,
and feel the same in a different place
Last edited by Vann_Heimlicht at Mar 12, 2008,
#2
A train ride,
closed eyes,
make the scenery more interesting,
a tired heart, for the most part,
is losing interest but it keeps on beating,
I'm a day late,
it's been such a long time since I,
kept track of the order they come along in,


(i like this alot. closing your eyes to make things more interesting is some nice sarcasm if i can call it that. dunno, but i really like that bit.)

I'd trade a thousand of these cliches,
to go back and do things all the same,
one day I'll move far away from here
and feel like this in a different place

(i like how you catch me by suprise by saying you will do things the same, rather than the clishe go back and do things different. and how you have a brutal truthful understanding that even tho you will be going to a new place looking for joy, you will probaly fail, and feel the same)


A decision,
a revision,
forgetfulness is awesome quite close to bliss,
and sometimes,
when I lie,
fate's a fiction that I'd like to exist,
it's alright,
we're all ****ing hypocrites and poor,
imposters and i don't feel so bad

(changing the "ignorance is bliss" clishe to forgetfullness is genious. good work.)

my eyes are glass, my arm starts to shake,
I already have enough time to waste,
one day I'll move far away from here,
and feel the same in a different place

(i like the repetition of the last line. from before.)


this is a great poem. i liked it heaps.

crit mine if you could. its called "the pain of love".
you'll find it.