#1
because it's so long, just a one word response and i'll be grateful. let me get this one out of the way, "booorrrrrrring".
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the alarm clock went off and nathan's dream was forgotten,
spilled through the incidental crack in the back of his head
and into the drain beneath his pillow.
he didn't get up.
he didn't want to get up, so he didn't.
but then, as he lay awake, the sounds of sunday morning felt like
a terribly gentle breeze in the unbearably warm sheets.

outside of his window, kept open habitually since he was a young boy,
was the sound of children, presumably from the park just across the street,
car doors opening and closing,
dogs barking at one another,
a lawnmower, swelling in sound and then coughing every now and then.
life's ever melodic, ever cacophonous symphony.

and so he rose from his bed, put on a pot of coffee, and
sauntered over to the answering machine.

"nate, this is sam. where'd you go last night, bro?
anyway, i was wondering if you'd heard from sandra lately.
she hasn't answered her phone for the past week and she was
supposed to be at work this morning.
alright, hit me up if you ever get out of bed you lazy piece of shit."

nathan, upon showering and getting dressed, stepped outside of his house.
without looking, he patted his coat pockets,
pulled out a pack of cigarettes, and lit one as he walked.
he got into his car and sat, staring at his front lawn.
there had been a county drought, going on three months now,
and the grass outside of his house was at its mercy.
with a sigh, he started the engine.

there were two parking lots attached to the apartment building in which sandra lived.
in size, the two were no different.
one, however, was about a block away from sandra's home,
and noticeably scruffier, with its gravel pit and rusty old frequenters.
today, for the first time since nathan began visiting the place 3 years ago,
the more preferable of the two was full.

after a block's stroll, nathan arrived at apartment 242
and stood three feet away from the yellow door as if a ghost was keeping guard.
not unbravely, he approached the door in his full stride and knocked.
after a long moment of no reply,
he knocked again and with greater force.
to this, he heard foot steps, and finally the hurried fumbling of a door knob.

even under a thick coat of hibernation,
sandra couldn't hide her beauty.
nonetheless, nathan was taken aback by her appearance.
he'd never seen her so pale,
or so unkempt,
or with spaghettios on her chin.

"well hurry up already, it's a commercial."

regardless of the content of her demand,
all hesitation in nathan had been suspended by the sense of urgency in her voice.
he followed her to the living room,
where sandra promptly sat down on the couch and turned up the television.
he walked toward a window,
intrigued by the dark curtains covering it.
he felt them, curiously.

"black drapes," sandra said, without looking up from the t.v.,
"they'll knock the living daylights out of you."

a thunder roared from outside,
and as nathan pulled the curtain slightly,
he noticed rain, light at first and then a heavy downpour.

"listen, sandy," nathan said, importantly but not forcefully,
"a lot of people have been looking for you.
what the hell have you been doing?"

as sandra opened her mouth to speak,
the television she watched came alive,
sprouted two arms and two legs,
swiped the remote from her hand and
aimed for her static skull,
"off."

nathan saw this,
and, accordingly,
shifted his attention back to the window.
pulling the drape back, this time all the way,
he saw the rain clear abruptly, and,
backed by gray clouds in the distance,
the faint rainbow's skeleton.
Last edited by Arthur Curry at Mar 12, 2008,
#2
Quote by Arthur Curry
because it's so long, just a one word response and i'll be grateful. let me get this one out of the way, "booorrrrrrring".
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

the alarm clock went off and nathan's dream was forgotten,
spilled through the incidental crack in the back of his head
and into the drain beneath his pillow.
he didn't get up.
he didn't want to get up, so he didn't.
but then, as he lay awake, the sounds of sunday morning felt like
a terribly gentle breeze in the unbearably warm sheets.

pretty good start, i think it could do without line 5, i know it continues from line 4 but i wasnt too fond of it.

outside of his window, kept open habitually since he was a young boy,
was the sound of children, presumably from the park just across the street,
car doors opening and closing,
dogs barking at one another,
a lawnmower, swelling in sound and then coughing every now and then.
the ever melodic, ever cacophonous symphony of life.

this was all really good and enjoyable but i think the 'symphony of life' is a little lacking used in a cliche way. i dont think it really compliments the imagery you used in the rest of the stanza.

and so he rose from his bed, put on a pot of coffee, and
sauntered over to the answering machine.

i like the 'sauntered over' bit, the rest is whatever, transitional i suppose.

"You have [1] new messages.
First unheard message, sent on
[Sunday], [April] [15th] at [9:34] [a.m]:

'yo, nate, this is sam. where'd you go last night, bro?
anyway, i was wondering if you'd heard from sandra lately.
she hasn't answered her phone for the past week and she was
supposed to be at work this morning.
alright, hit me up if you ever get out of bed you lazy piece of shit.'

End of messages. To hear more options, press-"

i think the narrating of the answering machine is pointless, as of yet i guess, i will see if it plays into anything as this piece goes.

nathan, now fully-clothed, stepped outside of his house in
full, refreshed strides.
without looking, he patted his coat pockets,
pulled out a pack of cigarettes, and lit one as he walked.
he got into his car and sat, staring at his front lawn.
there had been a county drought, going on three months now,
and the grass outside of his house was at its mercy.
with a sigh, he started the engine.

this was okay, nothing spectacular, again something that seems a little transitional, its just pushing the story along but not really adding anything amazing to it.

there were two parking lots attached to the apartment building in which sandra lived.
in size, the two were no different.
one, however, was about a block away from sandra's home,
and noticeably scruffier, with its gravel pit and rusty old frequenters.
today, for the first time since nathan began visiting the place 3 years ago,
the more preferable of the two was full.

not bad, it seems like filler, but it paints a decent picture.

after a block's stroll, nathan arrived at apartment 242
and stood three feet away from the yellow door as if a ghost was keeping guard.
not unbravely, he approached the door in his full stride and knocked.
after a long moment of no reply,
he knocked again and with greater force.
to this, he heard foot steps, and finally the hurried fumbling of a door knob.

nice bit of writing here

even under a thick coat of hibernation,
sandra couldn't hide her beauty.
nonetheless, nathan was taken aback by her appearance.
he'd never seen her so pale,
or so unkempt,
or with spaghettios on her chin.


"well hurry up already, it's a commercial."

regardless of the content of her demand,
all hesitation in nathan had been suspended by the sense of urgency in her voice.
he followed her to the living room,
where sandra promptly sat down on the couch and turned up the television.
he walked toward a window,
intrigued by the dark curtains covering it.
he felt them, curiously.

"black drapes," sandra said, without looking up from the t.v.,
"they'll knock the living daylights out of you."

a thunder roared from outside,
and as nathan pulled the curtain slightly,
he noticed rain, light at first and then a heavy downpour.

"listen, sandy," nathan said, importantly but not forcefully,
"a lot of people have been looking for you.
what the hell have you been doing?"

as sandra opened her mouth to speak,
the television she watched came alive,
sprouted two arms and two legs,
swiped the remote from her hand and
aimed for her static skull,
"off."

nathan saw this,
and then, again,
pulled back the drape,
though this time all the way.
he saw the rain clear abruptly, and,
backed by gray clouds in the distance,
a rainbow.


i like the way you wrapped it up, a bit odd but still fitting.
pretty nice work, not too much to say.

http://ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=809160