#1
on the spot, leave a link.


untitled.

I've tasted the lost lips of
cruel women that spoke gorgeous
words that became so bitter.
I've held my ugly hands in,
in a cold recreation, a past time
of my ancestors to ward off the
loneliness of death, and in every
inch on our life line, we crawl
closer to an edge we can't face.
I've shivered under the cold
lights of empty eyes, under
windows with hundreds of people
looking through them at me,
waiting for me to close the curtain
or tear out the screen. I've let
so many people close to my bed,
to sleep in my dreams and
walk the tremors of my thoughts.
I've never held such pretty
arms before, such slender souls
we've wasted on temperament. I,
the jealous; have shown a tiger's
tooth at the white gunman, the
blunderbuss to which our children
drink from, the breast of the
beast to which we sow. I've
thought of the name, the perfect
adage to call my blood, it is on a list
of women I've ruined and wasted. To be born
from such a bitter thing, and to
smile so forgivingly, I only ask to
a mirror that has judged so complacently,
"Am I an homage to myself? A call to wicked
people from places I've never been?" The answer
looked me dead in my foamy blues, it was the
person I saw in the mirror,
he had kindest brown eyes I'd ever seen.
www.facebook.com/longlostcomic
Last edited by Something_Vague at Mar 12, 2008,
#2
I liked the body of the work, but not the way it was dressed.
You probably had a different motive for blocking it, the way you did.
But it felt like you were camouflaging the opening of each thought .


I've tasted

I've held

I've shivered

I've let

I, the jealous; have shown

I've thought

To be born

The answer


It's an introspective, so why not celebrate that fact, instead of burying it?

My favorite out of this:


I've shivered under the cold lights of empty eyes
Meadows
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#3
thanks, it is, but I wanted the imagery to be more present than the feeling of such.
www.facebook.com/longlostcomic
#4
quite solid matt, to be honest, I felt it was a lot more...idk, sincere than most of your pieces, and I really thought this was one of the better endings I have read in a while, and for it being an 'ots', I give that much more props.

I guess I just liked the way it stayed on task a little more than some of your others that tend at times to wonder off. I think this stream of consciousness type of writing really benifits you, and should be a tool to use often in the future.

if you want: https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=808603
#6
yeah, i agree that the stream of consciousness works. it flows really nicely from idea to idea, but it all wraps up well. the imagery was great, too. really rather layered for being an on the spot piece, too -- even after reading it a few times i still feel like there's more depth to it. the ending wasn't my absolute favorite, but it was still really well-done and fit nicely.

I've shivered under the cold
lights of empty eyes, under
windows with hundreds of people
looking through them at me,
waiting for me to close the curtain
or tear out the screen. I've let
so many people close to my bed,
to sleep in my dreams and
walk the tremors of my thoughts.


this part was probably my favorite. all in all, really, really well-done.

link in my sig if you want
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