#1
well the nights too long for just a small kiss goodnight
I know we've had our ups and downs but we'll be fine
so don't you dare go home early and just leave me hanging
I'd rather that you stayed here and we carried on dancing
the ready mix of lips and hands and the bedroom eyes
I know mine were predicted but yours were a surprise
I realise you can't blame yourself for feeling what you do
when anyone lays eyes on me it only takes a minute or two
and if you're thinking of
breaking up with him
then I can suggest worse things
than coming home with me

but no, we've been here before
all the tears and slammed-shut doors
yes, I remember this night
you'd say you're sorry after you two fight
then you'll be seeking comfort in the arms of some forlorn friend
who'll convince you that you're one of two
and it will be fine in the end

you're right mate your worthless and not worthy of her love
then he waved the white flag and left us alone with a shrug
I won't let you go girl unless you're eager to explore
but I know nothings out there that's not already been ignored
there's the ready mix of the lips and eyes and hands on thighs
and the fingertips sending shocks down each other's spines
I know I can't help feeling like there's nothing more to do
but when I drive you home I'm sure you'll make a move
and when you've finished
breaking up with him
may I suggest some rest
lying in bed with me

but no, we've been here before
all the tears and slammed-shut doors
yes, I remember this night
you'd say you're sorry after you two fight
then you'll be seeking comfort in the arms of some forlorn friend
who'll convince you that you're one of two
and it will be okay in the end

there were bitter laughs and spilt cocktails
thumb wars and intimate details
talk of films and television
future plans and indecisions
advice given and advice sought
but maybe we were the ones who
needed to be taught

I told you the first thing that occurred in my mind
was that you said that you'd be home by half past nine
and when you weren't he knew that you'd be at mine
it wasn't long before our love was anything but fine
#2
I like it, but I wish you'd write a song about something other than girls.
#4
Was that a dig of some kind?

It just occured to me that I've read so many of your songs and can't really remember any that don't concern ladies. I know you love ladies, but surely you love something else as well? How about Pizza, everybody loves Pizza...
#6
I'd describe this as mediocre with flashes of brilliance. I was left with the feeling of a great desire for more of the brilliance, and was all the more dissapointed because i know it's capable of it. The brilliance was there on show like: "the ready mix of lips and hands and the bedroom eyes" which is simple, quite witty and extremely effective for one line. However, then i came across lines like this: "I know we've had our ups and downs but we'll be fine" which is just uninspired i feel; as if not enough effort has been put into it.

Anyway, i really enjoyed select parts and stanzas of it, but it was ruined by, as i say, uninspired parts.

I have to say, i'm surprised to see you still posting here, now that's commitment!
Anyway, i had an urge to post an OTS that i wrote today on here, so if you feel like it, take a gander. https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=810306
Last edited by caz_guitar_dude at Mar 12, 2008,
#7
I'd describe this as mediocre with flashes of brilliance.

I'd say that describes everything I've ever written.

I have to say, i'm surprised to see you still posting here, now that's commitment!

Yea I should really live a little someday...

anyways, good to see you round again Calum. I'll have a gander at your piece later today or tomorrow hopefully.
#8
I agree with caz_guitar_dude; there were some really good lines that caught me, and overall, I like this piece--it left me with a fairly strong image. I wouldn't go so far as to say it's ruined by the not-so-inspired lines, but it could be exceptional if you wanted to go back over those lines that don't stand out and edit them, chuck them, or replace them.

But overall, props, this is good stuff.
#9
oh, and
I posted a song called "Best She Can Do"
and it's falling, slowly but surely.
If anyone's feeling charitable...
Crits would be lovely.
#11
I know the feeling but not from recent life and events. I like to take a story and write about how I think it would play out, with a little personal touch here and there.

Then again, I realise you are not actually praising the piece, so I should probably stop chuntering on.

I got your eternal love though yeah? Yeah?