#1
When light turned to dark
In all of the parks,
Flourish's the spirit
Of the childrens heart.

On that night,
Like all others,
Travels an essence
An apperition of laughter.

Still present from hours past
Floats the ability to imagine.
Lying in wait patiently
For a body to inhabit.

Lurking in the shadows
waiting for day.
It conjures up games
For the kids to play.

Then all turns bright,
Ending the blight;
They fly from all directions
Untill the next night.

Crit for Crit
Last edited by ADMRLhooker at Mar 12, 2008,
#2
Not too bad. You seem to have some kind of talent lying about, but this just bored me a little, to be honest. Lots of cliche lines in there,

"light turned to dark"
"lurking in the shadows"
"all turns bright"
"until the next night"

heard all of those numerous times before, and they just seemed strung together in some kind of blakian style or something. yeah, it reminded me of william blake or something, which isn't a bad thing I suppose, it's just i personally dig things a little more modern, a little more specific.

as i said, though, you appear to have a nice way with words, so keep up the writing. oh, and welcome to the forums



if you could look at mine, i'd be grateful:

https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=810163
#3
i liked it. the flow on the third stanza seems a little off to me. but ,like my piece, it may just seem like that because i cant actually hear how u say it. its just writing.

but i liked the basic "story line" if u will. it really is quite creative
#4
yea the third stanza has a ABCB rythm pattern type thing going. rythm isnt my best skill but im working on it.
#5
Pretty much all of what skag said, even though I am a sucker for these kind of poems that have very few words but are able to conjure up a lot of images. It could be cause I have such a hard time trying to write them.

I would say just take a little more time with your word choice, cause in these kinds of pieces, a lot depends on that because the reader is forced to fill in the gaps, and it can be distracting when there are the usual rhymes.

Regualrdless, I am intrigued to read more from you, and thanks for looking at mine.
#6
I liked it. The rhythm, to me, was off on the 2nd stanza. But, overall, it was good. Keep it up, hopefully we'll see some more of your work.
#8
Agree with skagitup 100% although like streetcarp I am for short poems that conjure imagary. Just make sure you steer away from all those cliched lines, it really takes awy a lot of credibility from what could have been a great song. Thanx for the crit.
#9
When light turned to dark
In all of the parks, Here i would like to see a specific park mentioned. Maybe the name of a park you live by. Flourish's the spirit
Of the childrens heart.

On that night,
Like all others,
Travels an essence
An apperition of laughter. This line seems a bit too long. I would definitley replace apperition with something else. Maybe "A spector of laughs" instead.
Still present from hours past
Floats the ability to imagine.
Lying in wait patiently
For a body to inhabit. I loved the rhyming in this stanza. The only thing I would say is to replace "body" with "mind", jsu because the "ability to imagine comes from you "mind" and not your "body"

Lurking in the shadows "Lurking" just seems too obvious of a word. I would replace it with a verb that isn't so dark, use one that's a little more upbeat, if that makes any sense waiting for day.
It conjures up games
For the kids to play. I thought these last two line were great
Then all turns bright,
Ending the blight;
They fly from all directions
Untill the next night. The rhyming structure was little repitive in this stanza. I really think this entire stanza needs the most attention in you editing.


Anyways, thank you for the crit, and I hope to read more from you.