#1
Okay, this is my first song I've posted on here. I write alot of stuff, mostly poetry. This one isn't dark, like most of what I've written, because I'd prefer not to start off with a dark, creepy song. It's unfinished, and it's still rough, and I'm kind of just making some of it as I type, but here goes(and yes, I will crit 4 crit):

[mellow, soft guitar][slow, melodic singing]
You've always said,
we've gotta fight the man,
you say you're doing everything you can.

And all the problems,
come from those corporate towers,
to save us all, fight the Power.

Well, tell me one thing,
it's important to me;
Does the end justify the means?

Start chorus[insturments get louder, faster][upbeat, mildly loud singing]
If we rebel!
If we fight!
Will there be an ending light!

If we wage war!
Like never seen;
Will the end justify the means [echo last three words]
End chorus

[music slows, quiet, mellow][slow, melodic singing]
So what I can't,
second guess;
any of you protests.

Can't stop you when,
you've gone too far;
take a good look at who you are.

You're more extreme,
than the power you fight;
who says you should judge who's wrong and who's right.

Repeat chorus.



I know it needs work, and it's not even done, but what do you guys think?

A note: For those who have noticed people critting different lyrics, the original lyrics for the second verse of the song was:

You tell me I can't,
second guess;
any of your protests.

Can't stop you when,
you've gone to far?
Do you even know; who you are?

You're more extreme,
than the power you fight;
why should you judge who's wrong and who's right?


It was replaced with all the lyrics from "so what I can't" to "who's wrong and who's right". Anyways, if you think the original lyrics are better, tell me.

Another note: I was thinking about replacing "You're more extreme/than the power you fight/who says you should judge who's wrong and who's right." with "You're dragging it out now/don't you see/the end will never justify the means". Any thoughts?
Last edited by herby190 at Mar 20, 2008,
#2
[mellow, soft guitar][slow, melodic singing]
You've always said,
we've gotta fight the man,
you say you're doing everything you can.

i like this but the first line im not shure but I think it would sound better as: You always say. To me you implying that the person is still trying yet you make it sound like he stopped saying it.

And all the problems,
come from those corporate towers,
to save us all, fight the Power.

Well, tell me one thing,
it's important to me;
Does the end justify the means?

Start chorus[insturments get louder, faster][upbeat, mildly loud singing]
If we rebel!
If we fight!
Will there be an ending light!

Love it completely dont change

If we wage war!
Like never seen;
Will the end justify the means [echo last three words]
End chorus

in line two if you add: before. it flows and sounds a lot better

[music slows, quiet, mellow][slow, melodic singing]
You tell me I can't,
second guess;
any of your protests.

just a suggestion ut i think it would sound better if the first and secong line were one line

Can't stop you when,
you've gone to far?
Do you even know; who you are?

same as before

You're more extreme,
than the power you fight;
why should you judge who's wrong and who's right?

third line: I think you should make a new line out of "who's wrong and who's right?"

really loved this great work
crit for crit title in sig
#3
Thanks for the crit. Yeah, I've got some flow problems towards the end. I've been trying to rewrite it, and I did during school, but it still needs a little work. I can't crit right now, but I will later.
#4
You've always said,
we've gotta fight the man,
you say you're doing everything you can. Interesting beginning, smooth rhythm.

And all the problems,
come from those corporate towers, A little hiccup here in the rhythm I think, this line might be better with the same number of syllables as the second line of the first stanza (6 syllables)
to save us all, fight the Power.

Well, tell me one thing,
it's important to me;
Does the end justify the means? Everything here is fine

Start chorus[insturments get louder, faster][upbeat, mildly loud singing]
If we rebel!
If we fight!
Will there be an ending light!

If we wage war!
Like never seen;
Will the end justify the means [echo last three words] The chorus is fine, although I personally try to avoid repeating phrases when I can. However, since this seems to be the recurring theme of your song, it sort of has to be repeated, so I suppose you should leave it the same
End chorus

[music slows, quiet, mellow][slow, melodic singing]
You tell me I can't,
second guess; Once again, the rhythm would benefit from a few more syllables to match the earlier stanzas
any of your protests.

Can't stop you when,
you've gone to far?
Do you even know; who you are? You don't have to put punctuation at the end of every line, so I think the comma and the semicolon are unnecessary, but I'm just being nitpicky now...

You're more extreme,
than the power you fight;
why should you judge who's wrong and who's right? Perhaps this line would read smoother if it said "Who's wrong or right". Your call.

Repeat chorus.

I don't have any real complaints about this piece other than some strange syllable counts that threw me for a loop when I was reading it. However, it looks like you've already got the music worked out, so perhaps you've found a rhythm that works. I do have one piece of advice that you might want to consider in the future. The first time I wrote a piece, the very first crit I got said something that influenced my writing ever since. He said that it's important to show, not tell. It's not nearly as powerful to tell someone that you are angry as it is to describe the situation that makes you angry, in order to lead the person to empathize with you. While you didn't just say "I'm angry with society and corporations and I want to rebel", there wasn't a lot for us to empathize with here. Now, this subject is difficult to empathize with to begin with because some people won't be as concerned about it as you are. However, you still may want to try to write in order to get people to feel as you do, describe the situation or tell the story using words that will guide the reader to feel what you want them to. I see that you're a new member, and I hope to see more stuff out of you. This is a good start, and I hope to see more out of you in the future. And thanks for the crit Peace
#5
Thanks for the advice. What you said about the rhythm is right, I found a mellow rhythm that works for it. There are pauses between the first and second line in each little set, and some of the words are held out in the third where the rhythm would otherwise be unbalanced. I see your point about "showing, not telling". You are really just narrating a story if you just tell. One point you seemed to miss though is that I'm not the one who's mad. I'm talking to someone else who is, and is fighting back to extremly. I'm going to post the changed lyrics for the second part of the song, if you read this again, tell me which ones you like better.
#6
theoneandonlyq is right about the "show don't tell" thing. It's a maxim that's always applicable. This would be greatly enhanced if you added some description of this guy's actions (in other words, you tell us he's acting too extremely, but if you showed us it would be way more kick-ass). I do like the repetition of the "will the end justify the means" line. In fact, you could even do it once more I think, and that would make the parallel structure even more deliberate, and stronger.

Good piece. Well done.
P.S. I like your edits. Keep 'em.
I will show you fear in a handful of dust.
#7
I agree with what everyone's saying about show don't tell, and will change the lyrics to fit next time I'm writing (A.K.A, in the back of one of my classes). It's going to be a big convert though, so it will take some time. For now, I'm just going to kick back and enjoy spring break .
#8
I think it's great. It doesn't seem thrown together. Everything I had to say has been covered by people above so listen to them and awesome job!
Gear

93 Jackson Dinky Professional Reverse
98 Jackson Kelly KE3

Peavey Bandit 112
Custom 2x10 cab w/Bugeras
#9
Thanks everyone. What I really need though is advice on the third verse. I don't know what to write about. I usually write off emotion, not memories, so I'm not that great at writing specifics. Please, help!
#10
hey thanks for the crit. this song is pretty cool, nice flow, everything rhymes. sorry i suck at critiquing. i think if youve said all you want to say in a song you should stop writing. having said that if you still have something to say but cant think of the words then just leave it for a while and come back to it when you have an idea
#11
True. It just feels unfinished. It feels like there's more to say than what I've said, although I don't know what. Also, I would prefer to end this on a mellow note, because the mellow parts have most important content.
#12
Sorry it took so long for me to get to crit yours, I guess it's a big free bump then too though.

Quote by herby190
[mellow, soft guitar][slow, melodic singing]
You've always said,
we've gotta fight the man,
you say you're doing everything you can.

I think the line "we've gotta fight the man" is very unoriginal, so this first stanza isn't my favorite opening.

And all the problems,
come from those corporate towers,
to save us all, fight the Power.

I do like the flow with this stanza, and the use of "corporate towers," so good work there.

Well, tell me one thing,
it's important to me;
Does the end justify the means?

I think the whole "it's important to me" was put in there for the simple sake of flow, but it doesn't seem to go in there very well.

Start chorus[insturments get louder, faster][upbeat, mildly loud singing]
If we rebel!
If we fight!
Will there be an ending light!

Not much to say here, it's a good chorus line I guess.

If we wage war!
Like never seen;
Will the end justify the means [echo last three words]
End chorus

This is alright, and I can definitely see the last bit working - this is forming into a Green Day-ish song.

[music slows, quiet, mellow][slow, melodic singing]
So what I can't,
second guess;
any of you protests.

This might seem interesting, but then I took a closer look at it. Second guess what they protest? Sorry, but it doesn't make any sense to me.

Can't stop you when,
you've gone too far;
take a good look at who you are.

This is probably my favorite stanza in the piece, nothing to say but keep it the way it is.

You're more extreme,
than the power you fight;
who says you should judge who's wrong and who's right.

I like this too, it all goes with the Green Day sort of rythym I'm picturing.

Repeat chorus.


Overall, it's a good piece, but...well, it just seems very average too me. I can see it working really well with the right beat, but it's just not terribly original or breakthrough.
#13
Thanks for the crit, but you seemed to miss the overall point of the song. The part about the protests is because the protests are the big issue. The point is that he's overdoing it, trying to be a rebel, and is just messing everything up and causing unneccisary stress.