#1
On top of a mountain,
Grows a flower out of cold,
Poor little flower.
With no one to hold.

No sunlight to grasp,
No shelter from snow,
it sturs ever so gently,
whenever the wind blows.

Ever so slowly it tips over,
not from the tenebrous weather,
but of the knowledge that,
things won't get any better.

so it falls and it falls,
until it reaches the ground,
no one cares if it's
nowhere to be found.

Please give your honest opinion pitters ^_^ something for school

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#2
I like this. You might get more criticism in the Songwriting & Lyrics thread though.
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#3
^ What he said
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#4
last two stanzas seem to be rushed, like you were just trying to get it done.

"Ever so slowly it tips over" has way too many consanants, it kinda broke the rhythm of the poem.

so it falls and it falls,
until it reaches the ground,
those forgotten petals,
are no where to be found.

i kinda like that ^^

whatever you wanna do, just change that third line imo.

hope i helped.
Last edited by bene8754 at Mar 12, 2008,
#6
A couple of the ryhmes seem a little forced, for example: weather and better. It's a good poem, though.
#7
hehe I just wrote an acoustic part for that but dont worry ill forget it in like 5 min and I wouldn't steal it anyway.




Cheers!



Go Leafs Go!!


Next season anyway
#8
Quote by Incardito
On top of a mountain,
Grows a flower out of cold,
Poor little flower.
With no one to hold.

No sunlight to grasp,
No shelter from snow,
it sturs ever so gently,
whenever the wind blows.

Ever so slowly it tips over,
not from the tenebrous weather,
but of the knowledge that,
things won't get any better.

so it falls and it falls,
until it reaches the ground,
no one cares if it's
nowhere to be found.

Please give your honest opinion pitters ^_^ something for school



Your meter is jacked up.
<Han> I love Hitler
#9
Quote by bene8754
last two stanzas seem to be rushed, like you were just trying to get it done.

"Ever so slowly it tips over" has way too many consanants, it kinda broke the rhythm of the poem.

so it falls and it falls,
until it reaches the ground,
those forgotten petals,
are no where to be found.

i kinda like that ^^

whatever you wanna do, just change that third line imo.

hope i helped.


thanks bro :P I appreciate it. yeah it was kinda forced my deadline is soon.

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