#1
please, stay, talk with me.

gloria's got paper lips that
make vowel sounds look like fragile origami.
they crinkle and tear when she wets them
and says,
"don't let life pass you by."
and believe me, it didn't;
i stepped in front of it like oncoming traffic.

i clear her plate and smile slightly,
"it was more of a hit and run."
#2
Quote by Arthur Curry
please, stay, talk with me.

gloria's got paper lips that
make vowel sounds look like fragile origami.
they crinkle and tear when she wets them
and says,
"don't let life pass you by."
and believe me, it didn't;
i stepped in front of it like oncoming traffic.

i really liked the first two lines. the rest of it was okay, i think the 'dont let life...' bit was a bit cliche and brought down what could have been a very very impressive 1st stanza, still impressive none the less.

i clear her plate and smile slightly,
"it was more of a hit and run."

this compliments the lines i just said above that i didnt like so much and makes them seem worth it, though i still think you could come up with something a bitttt more creative.
nice work 8/10




http://ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=809160
there is mine if you have time
#3
Wow, Geoffie. This was really good.

I love the "I stepped in front of it like oncoming traffic" line. It's perfect.
There's only one girl in the world for you
and she probably lives in Tahiti.
#4
Again, this is good. Like your usual stuff.

However, and please don't take this as a cut-down or anything.... simply and observation. You are becoming sort of a one-trick pony (at least to me). When I click on your thread I know I'm going to be reading a piece that is quirky, off the wall, and "deep." While this isn't a bad thing (because you are damn good at it) I also think that I'd like to see you write in a little bit of a different style. Even if it is just for a piece or two. You may have before, this may be just a phase... but since I've been reading your pieces on a consistent basis (January of this year or so) they've all had the same general phrasing and style.

Just my two cents... wanted or not. But as always, this was impressive.
#5
I think it's written well, you have strong lines, but as a whole (and there's not a whole lot of it) I didn't get it. And by getting it I mean it was a bit all over the place. The first lines were an opening, a simple one, that went into some poetic rant that I thought was a bit of surrealist writing, which like Zach said, is the same old trick of quirky jumbled sentences... eh, not much content there for me.

You last lines were the only thing I really liked in the whole thing and to be honest you could build something great on that. It almost made up for the whole piece. As short as it was I'd want to see you write more like that.
This is not a pipe
#7
didn't get it? i can see why. but don't think it's just some empty piece of shit wrapped in some pretty detail.

"Meals On Wheels" is a community service program where meals are delivered to elderly people in their homes. if you didn't know that, then i can see why a misunderstanding would arise. in this case, the opening was supposed to be gloria's words, the presumed elderly woman. her advice not to let life go by WAS cliche, but i spun it. you can assume that i'm no upstanding citizen, and i'd never do community service voluntarily. which is why life was a hit and run, because here i am, doing community service for some wrong-doing or another.


i can definitely see why you wouldn't get it. there wasn't much to get. i thought about adding more and making a little short story, but i was afraid i'd ruin it. not to mention the fact that when i make these things too long, no one ever reads them. ("nathan and the living daylight")

and ZanasCross, i agree i've been in a kind of ill-varied groove lately. i think it's because i've been reading a lot of j.d. salinger.

thanks all, for the comments and whatnot.
#8
Sorry, what I meant to say with I didn't get it was not really the meaning but your choices of style and presentation.

Sorry if I wasn't clear on that, I just thought that this specific style was not as suiting for what you were trying to convey, in my opinion. It seemed like the style hogged the piece and over shadowed the ideas in a way... you know? That's what I meant, I probably should have said it like this the first time.

Apologies.
This is not a pipe
#9
well now i feel dumb for posting a reply longer than the piece itself. i see what you're saying, though. i'll have to think about this. for next time, at least.