#1

I'm actually quite happy with this. There is more than just what's on the surface I guess.
I'll try c-4-c, it might take me a few days though... school is hectic lately.

Parallax

We rode bicycles over a mountainside made of cheap street crack and wine.
‘Michelangelo,’ she said. ‘these walls ain’t even half as tall as what we thought they
were. Look, you can see all of the sky tonight. Oh, you can see all of the sky!’
She asked for a statue, and I etched her out a marble portrait of the moon.
‘Baby,’ she spoke. ‘the moon?’
‘Without the sun to light it up, it’s just another rock.’
‘Let’s go.’ She sung.
We found shovels in our empty garden bed, and dug until we hit water.
‘We’re stuck,’ I cried. ‘we’re really fucking stuck.’
‘Close your eyes, we’re in a ship. Okay? And we’re sailing through a stream of
cement and bricks, and we’re not stuck, okay? Just close your eyes and paddle, like this.’
I cupped a hand against the sunlight. Her eyes were mirrors in a morning so bright.
There were birds dancing like kites strung up for a day parade,
And there were old trees and soft hills and low rolling meadows,
And for a moment the sun swung behind a cloud.
‘The moon never looked so alight.’
As she laughed I placed a frame around her neck and made her a masterpiece.
O! music: Click (Youtube)


^ Click to see an acoustic arrangement of Ke$ha's 'Your Love is my Drug' - everyone's favourite song.
Last edited by Snowblind 911 at Mar 17, 2008,
#3
like song or poem 'meant to be' ?

It's both I guess. I can play it to music, although it works better as a poem unless I can get a girl singer to sing backup.

So I guess it's a poem.
O! music: Click (Youtube)


^ Click to see an acoustic arrangement of Ke$ha's 'Your Love is my Drug' - everyone's favourite song.
#4
really no much to crit. I really loved this the story behind it was wonderful. I hope to read more great work.

if you get a chance take a look at mine the link is in my signature
#5
"I cupped a hand against the sunlight. Her eyes were mirrors in a morning so bright."

Beautiful. The rhyme lands just where you want it to, as a reader.

This is the best piece I think I've ever read from you - granted that isn't many, but this is really gorgeous writing.

I thought that the "why the moon?" and then "Because.." was kind of hit and miss. It's a great idea, but it was kind of set up in this way that made it feel forced. I'm not sure what to do about that. Perhaps take out the "why" and the "because" e.g. "Baby", she spoke , "The moon?" - "Without the sun to light up...". That could maybe work in the sense that it would take away the forced feel. I'm not all too sure, it's nothing awful or anything, just nit-picking or whatever.

"The moon never looked so alight" reads awkwardly.

The final line is absolutely perfect. I tried to find a problem with it, but it just works.

This was, really, very good.

Perhaps take a look at mine?

https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?p=13253933#post13253933
#6
Oh, yes! This is the first piece in ages people have actually praised. Woo.

I'll get to all pieces once I get home from school, so in like another 8 hours or so.

Thanks guys.

I'll edit it in your suggestions Skagitup. I definitely agree with them.
O! music: Click (Youtube)


^ Click to see an acoustic arrangement of Ke$ha's 'Your Love is my Drug' - everyone's favourite song.
Last edited by Snowblind 911 at Mar 14, 2008,
#7
A little "out there" at times. Sometimes the images and ideas seemed a bit stretched from one another... like I fell asleep during a movie and woke up 20 minutes later to a completely different scene or something. But the parts that were together and "connectable" for me were beautiful. Good work mate.
#9
im working on critting this right now,
ill edit it in when im finished in like 5 minutes.

edit:

We rode bicycles over a mountainside made of cheap street crack and wine.
‘Michelangelo,’ she said. ‘these walls ain’t even half as tall as what we thought they
were. Look, you can see all of the sky tonight. Oh, you can see all of the sky!’

this is a pretty good start. i like the expression of the female character a lot so far.

She asked for a statue, and I carved her out a marble portrait of the moon.
‘Baby,’ she spoke. ‘the moon?’
‘Without the sun to light it up, it’s just another rock.’

i love the last line, but the 'i carver her out a...' is pretty cliche and i think if you found a better way to lead up to the last line this would all be amazing.

‘Let’s go.’ She sung.
We found shovels in our empty garden bed, and dug until we hit water.
‘We’re stuck,’ I cried. ‘we’re really ****ing stuck.’
‘Close your eyes, we’re in a ship. Okay? And we’re sailing through a stream of
cement and bricks, and we’re not stuck, okay? Just close your eyes and paddle, like this.’

this is interesting. i dont know whether i dislike the last part of the dialogue or thoroughly enjoy it. id say this is all pretty impressive so far.

I cupped a hand against the sunlight. Her eyes were mirrors in a morning so bright.
There were birds dancing like kites strung up for a day parade,
And there were old trees and soft hills and low rolling meadows,
And for a moment the sun swung behind a cloud.
‘The moon never looked so alight.’
As she laughed I placed a frame around her neck and made her a masterpiece.

i like the idea here. i think the descriptions 'old trees, soft hills, low rolling meadows' are all pretty boring and paint a real bland image in the readers head, but i love the last line and also the first line is impressive too. the biggest complaint here would be the awkward wording of 'the moon never looked so alight'. that seems to mess up the flow and is just awkward to read.

i really enjoyed this. this is only the 2nd thing ive read from you but i liked it a lot more than your last.
8.5/10

http://ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=811471
this is my new piece if you could give it a short look
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Last edited by rushmore at Mar 14, 2008,
#10
Sure, I'll return it ASAP.

Just with the 'I carved her out', I'd love to change it, but I have no idea how else to describe carving out marble, than well, carving it out. I'll work on something though.

The 'The moon never looked so alight' line is supposed to rhyme with the first line of the stanza. Could you maybe give me an idea on how to make it less awkward while still keeping the rhyme?
O! music: Click (Youtube)


^ Click to see an acoustic arrangement of Ke$ha's 'Your Love is my Drug' - everyone's favourite song.
#12
Whoa!? Zomg... I never thought I'd win this again.

Oh, I feel so happy. Thanks so much.
O! music: Click (Youtube)


^ Click to see an acoustic arrangement of Ke$ha's 'Your Love is my Drug' - everyone's favourite song.
#13
Hey congratulations man, haven't been in S&L for a while.
Just read this, it was great, nothing to say that hasn't already been said.
#15
Quote by Snowblind 911
like song or poem 'meant to be' ?

It's both I guess. I can play it to music, although it works better as a poem unless I can get a girl singer to sing backup.

So I guess it's a poem.



i loved it
what did u want the girl part to be?
#16
I'll just get the girl to sing the parts the girl actually says, that way it stops any confusion as to who is saying what when it's actually being sung. I'm glad you liked it.
O! music: Click (Youtube)


^ Click to see an acoustic arrangement of Ke$ha's 'Your Love is my Drug' - everyone's favourite song.
#18
Yeah, I have chords, and I've got the lyrics to fit the chords now. I'm thinking of adding a violin/cello part, or piano, just to add a bit of depth to it. It's acoustic, and I'm pretty sure there won't be any drums in it, and I doubt there'll be bass... probably just use the piano part to add a bassish element.

I'm hoping to record it some stage soon, so if I do I'll put up a link/PM it to you.
O! music: Click (Youtube)


^ Click to see an acoustic arrangement of Ke$ha's 'Your Love is my Drug' - everyone's favourite song.