#1
crit4crit
MY WORD IS HER BOND

"The truth will set you free"
Was written on her back
But I caught her Hand
When she tried to sneak past
Then as I drove her home I asked her why
She turned herself into a holy book
She said, "So you could find the answer
In a place where I could never look"

The car stalled in the churchyard
So I told Purgatory
Let's make love in the back
While Heaven's asleep

"The truth will set you free"
But we can't go out
Because the church in town
Is just a word-of-mouth
God's Word is she wanted a white limo
But we pulled up in a beat-up hearse
And when I walked her to the doorsteps
She called me Jesus and I called her Church

The car stalled in the churchyard
So I told Purgatory
Let's make love in the back
While Heaven's asleep


God claims prophecy
But God was wrong when He swore
"She'll take everything
But you'll never take her home"

I begged him to take it back
But he still came along
Nailed a sign on her door
"My Word is her bond"
Last edited by themarsvolta at Mar 14, 2008,
#3
"The truth will set you free"
Was written on her back
But I caught her Hand
When she tried to sneak past
Then as I drove her home I asked her why
She turned herself into a holy book Interesting metaphor here. Reading through it as second time, it made more sense and did a good job of setting up the rest of the piece.
She said, "So you could find the answer
In a place where I could never look" Loved this

The car stalled in the churchyard
So I told Purgatory
I'd rather ride a nightmare
Than sleep on a thousand dreams I kinda had a problem with this stanza, not because of rhythm or rhyme really, but because I didn't personally feel like it fit too well. I thought the rest of the song was beautiful, but I didn't quite see how this fit into the equation. If you could PM with an explanation, I'd really appreciate it, because I really want to know what this all means

"The truth will set you free"
But we can't go out
Because the church in town
Is just a word-of-mouth
God's Word is she wanted a white limo
But we pulled up in a beat-up hearse I liked the inversion of white limo to beat-up hearse
And when I walked her to the doorsteps
She called me Jesus and I called her Church Nice line here

The car stalled in the churchyard
So I told Purgatory
I'd rather ride a nightmare
Than sleep on a thousand dreams Nothing new to say here

God claims prophecy
But God was wrong when He swore
"She'll take everything
But you'll never take her home" Interesting stanza here, I liked it but I don't really know why.

I begged him to take it back
But he still came along
Nailed a sign on her door
"My Word is her bond" I can't imagine a better way to close it than that. Incredible.
I don't get to say this much, but I really REALLY enjoyed reading that. It was very well written, no problems in rhythm, I didn't think the lack of a rhyme scheme detracted at all from it, the religious imagery was used beautifully, and it was just an all around great piece. It was also nice how you didn't spell everything out for the reader, instead allowing us a bit more freedom to find our way in it. I absolutely loved this. If you could crit "Illiterate" in my sig, I'd greatly appreciate it. PM me whenever you write something else Keep up the good work
#4
I also extemely loved this. I agree that there is nothing to comment on. I was going to talk about a couple of the metaphors but same as person above I read them again and they made sence.

If you get a minute could you look at one of mine.
Links are in sig