#1
Another song that I wrote about a love gone cold. I am expecting lots of critisism for this so don't let me down

Living a lie
Day after day
No more are you honest
Do as you may

The horror of your ways
Have torn apart your soul
Your heart has turned cold
No longer do you care
No longer are you there

Forsaking my love
You dream for power
Trapped by your hate
In this lonesome tower

Living a lie
Day after day
No more are you honest
Do as you may

I stand in the corridor
As you walk away
Leaving me behind
Now you shall pay

Living a lie
Day after day
No more are you honest
Do as you may
#2
Living a lie
Day after day
No more are you honest
Do as you may

The horror of your ways
Have torn apart your soul
Your heart has turned cold
No longer do you care
No longer are you there

in this stanza the first line doesn't flow well the way you put it. If you put it "The horrors of your way" It sounds a lot better.

Forsaking my love
You dream for power
Trapped by your hate
In this lonesome tower

Living a lie
Day after day
No more are you honest
Do as you may

I stand in the corridor
As you walk away
Leaving me behind
Now you shall pay

Living a lie
Day after day
No more are you honest
Do as you may

besides that one thing, I really liked this peice.
crit for crit
link in sig
#5
sad song. reminds me of a guy I unfortunatly know
Last edited by Gregoriose at Apr 19, 2008,
#6
I do like this song, especially the second stanza. (change have to has...)

One thing i perceived is that there is that the chorus seems to take up half the song... if I were you I would alter the chorus the first or second time you use it. Maybe twist the words around a little bit to create a different perspective.

I stand in the corridor
As you walk away
Leaving me behind
Now you shall pay

Living a lie
Day after day
No more are you honest
Do as you may


In the first stanza, you say now you will pay. In the last stanza, you say do as you may. To me this seems a little conflicting, since you repeat "do as you may" throughout the song.
You might want to change "now you shall pay" to something about, say, the affect on the narrator, after she leaves him behind.

Overall this song is actually pretty decent. I don't know if I like the line "In this lonesome tower", it seems a little... typical, to me.
But yeah, this looks good, keep it up.