#1
Hey guys here's my latest piece, kind of in the same vein as my last song, as in it's another easy-going acoustic kinda track. I've just thrown this together today so I'm pretty sure it isn't the final product. I've left some pieces in brackets as I'm not sure what words to use, hopefully you guys can have a read through it and let me know what you think.

I'll return any crits you give me if you leave me a link for the piece you want criticising.

Thanks alot guys, hope you enjoy it!


My Eyes: Copyright (C): Toby Cunningham 13th March 2008

Verse 1:

While the world is sleeping
Dawn is creeping, up on you,
And everyone else,
The world has got a lot to give,
You need to wake up and live.

Verse 2:

You should grab opportunities
While they are free, or they’ll
Drift away and disappear,
Before you get the chance to use them,
Or else you’ll (misuse/abuse) them.

Verse 3:

So start having some fun
Beneath the Sun, and blue
Skies up above you,
With all (of) the people that love you,
(And) don’t forget anyone.

Chorus 1:

You can’t just lie here, ‘cause it’s time you’re wasting
In the end you’ll find yourself over-compensating,
For the things you missed;
And sights you didn’t see,
Look into my eyes; I’ll try to set you free.

(Just look into my eyes) Background vocals on last line

Bridge:

In this world that’s full of sound,
Feelings can be lost and found;
In the place you least expect it to happen.
Pay attention to the world around you,
Because you might find
There is something worth holding onto.

Chorus 2/ Outro:

Spend a little time thinking,
About the joy morning is bringing
Is there somewhere that you want to be?
Time is on your side,
There’s no need to run and hide
You’ll find that your eyes can set you free.
#2
yea so I broke three of my fingers so typing a full out critique would take way to long. So I'm jsut goona repost your peice with the changes i think you should make (ill put brackets around them) I really liked the peice though.

Verse 1:

While the world is sleeping
Dawn is creeping, up on you,
And everyone else,
The world has got a lot to give,
You need to wake up and live.

Verse 2:

You should grab opportunities
While they are free, or they’ll
Drift away and disappear,
Before you get the chance to use them,
Or else you’ll [abuse] them.

Verse 3:

So start having some fun
Beneath the Sun, and blue
Skies up above you,
[With all the people that love you,]
(And) don’t forget anyone.

Chorus 1:

You can’t just lie here,
[‘cause it’s time you’re wasting]
In the end you’ll find
[yourself over-compensating,]
For the things you missed;
And sights you didn’t see,
Look into my eyes;


(Just look into my eyes) Background vocals on last line

Bridge:

In this world
[that’s full of sound,]
Feelings can be lost
[and also found.]
Pay attention to the world
[and whats around,]
Because you might find
There is something worth holding onto.

Chorus 2/ Outro:

Spend a little time thinking,
About the joy morning is bringing
Is there somewhere that you want to be?
Time is on your side,
There’s no need to run and hide
You’ll find that your eyes can set you free.

crit fir crit link in sig
#4
This is good, on verse 2 i would use abuse as it sounds better. I'm not sure what it is about though.
#5
Yeah I've decide that I'll probably use abuse rather than misuse. it's not really about anything specicific, more along the lines of just not letting opportunities pass you by before giving them a chance.
#6
Quote by TobyFellrunners


My Eyes: Copyright (C): Toby Cunningham 13th March 2008
I like the copyright idea... why the helll didn't i think of that with mine lol!
Verse 1:

While the world is sleeping
Dawn is creeping, up on you,
And everyone else,
The world has got a lot to give,
You need to wake up and live.

In all seriousness now. Great Start! Acoustic song you said, I just picked up my acuostic and strummed together a chord progression (probably nothing like you would have for it...) It flows really great! I like the rhyme scheme you're using too, It keeps the first 3 lines a little slower, then speeds up the last 2. The subject matter is good, the singer from my band always writes about similar stuff, but yours is different enough for me to say that there isn't a cliche.

Verse 2:

You should grab opportunities
While they are free, or they’ll
Drift away and disappear,
Before you get the chance to use them,
Or else you’ll (misuse/abuse) them.

More expansion on an Idea here, again a nice flow and good consistancy. IMO misuse would be the better word to use. Very well written verse.

Verse 3:

So start having some fun
Beneath the Sun, and blue
Skies up above you,
With all (of) the people that love you,
(And) don’t forget anyone.

I don't think that this verse should be called a verse as such, because it doesn't really match the other verses. I can see the message that you're trying to get across here, but i really think that this verse is the weak link in a great song. You could probably cut it out of the song and it wouldn't do any harm IMO. I wouldn't worry about leaving the "And" and "Of" in the last 2 lines, unless you wanted the song's flow to be a little slower here.

Chorus 1:

You can’t just lie here, ‘cause it’s time you’re wasting
In the end you’ll find yourself over-compensating,
For the things you missed;
And sights you didn’t see,
Look into my eyes; I’ll try to set you free.

(Just look into my eyes) Background vocals on last line

Good chorus. Are the backgound vocals on the last line like an echo of the lead vocals? I think that would be vrey effective if they were. other than that, I like your chorus

Bridge:

In this world that’s full of sound,
Feelings can be lost and found;
In the place you least expect it to happen.
Pay attention to the world around you,
Because you might find
There is something worth holding onto.

I like this part of the song, it changes the flow around slightly, but not too much. Just how a perfect bridge should do. I also like how it looks at the sme theme/idea as the rest of the song, but seemingly from a different perspective.

Chorus 2/ Outro:

Spend a little time thinking,
About the joy morning is bringing
Is there somewhere that you want to be?
Time is on your side,
There’s no need to run and hide
You’ll find that your eyes can set you free.

Great ending to a great song. For that i can let the one cliche line in the whole thing go (time is on your side ) seeing as it doesn't detract from the meaning. Is there going to be any background vocal work here? I think it would be very effective here to help emphasise the point you are trying to make.


Overall, a really well written song, I can imagine it sounding very nice. Reading back over my crit i hope it isn't just useless rambling haha, some of it seems like it is. My stuff's in my sig, feel free to check it out
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