#1
Crit for crit as always, haven't done anything in a while, and I don't particularily like this, but girls annoy me a lot basically.

These letters better find you well for the nights like these,
It's later than late and that's our expertise.
Ten past Twenty-Three but I'm done for the night,
I won't forget this, I've got a steady supply.

Tonight the things that we say,
Have planned out a way,
To make everything seem a little more obvious.

Build this eve with our wishes and letters.
Sit right here in this flash filled theatre.
You're still written upon my ivory ceiling,
Stand up so we can attackle our feelings.

One year on this desperate campaign,
Six months and I've done it again,
Three weeks at the corner of a Street and a Road
Five more days and we're conversing in code.

I'll stand here with Chelsea by my side,
Waiting to see if your hands are still tied.
Or do you still not know what I mean?

Build this eve with our wishes and letters.
Sit right here in this flash filled theatre.
You're still written upon my ivory ceiling,
Stand up so we can attackle our feelings.

I'll stand here with Chelsea by my side,
Waiting to see if your hands are still tied.
Or do you still not know what I mean?

Build this eve with our wishes and letters.
Sit right here in this flash filled theatre.
You're still written upon my ivory ceiling,
Stand up so we can attackle our feelings.

I've got 14 days to embellish this statement:
"She did, She did."
I've got 14 days to plan our descent:
"She did, She did."
Tonight the things that we say (Chelsea are you on my side?),
Have planned out a way (Are your hands still tied?),
To make everything seem a little more obvious (I know that you know what I mean).
A little more obvious and a little less you.
If The Archers Bows Have Broken, Then I Hope To God They Know How To Fight.
Last edited by calvinthecanadi at Mar 16, 2008,
#2
this is great actually. I really enjoyed it. Full honesty, I can't find anything you should change.

If you get a chance take a look at one of mine.

the links are in the sig
#4
i really liked it. however there were two things that stuck out to me. 1. in your little "chorus" thing, the line that says "or do you still not know what i mean?" im just not a big fan of it. the flow seems weird or something. just look into it.. 2. the very last line. it sticks out. and not in a good way. i really liked how you were ending it, until it came to that last line. it didn't flow, and it didn't sound right with the line before it...other than that though, great piece.
#5
i Thought it was really great, except for this word "attackle" was that a typo? or is it an inside joke kind of personal thing thats add your personal touch into the song? other than that i really loved it, want to give mine a look over?

http://ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=813739
Old king cole was a merry old soul, a merry old soul was he.
He called for his pipe, and he called for his bowl( ****ing stoner)
and he called information for numbers he could have easily looked up in the phone book.
#6
First of all, I really liked the opening stanza, especially the second line. Now, the second stanza seemed kind of out of place. For some reason, I liked it at the end, but didn't think it fit well towards the beginning. The third stanza was good, however, I really think you should change "attackle" to "shackle". Also I could like to see some changes in the first line of the third stanza. Instead of "wishes and dreams", replace it with something like "congressional letters" or some other adjective and letter. The fourth stanza I had no problem with. Now, with the fifth stanza, the last line didn't seem to fit. In the second line of the fifth stanza, i would just change it to. "Asking you when your hands your hands our tied. ", and get rid of the "Or" at the beginning of the last line. Anyways, I enjoyed reading this piece and I hope to see more of you around.

Crit mine please
Perfect Match
#7
The first lines rhyming scheme is really callow, I love it. Nice aliteration with "flash filled"; evokes certain feelings of opposites, the flood i.e. water, and flash which is conducive with electricity, which are too opposite components. I personally like the use of your own word, "attackle", whether it was actually meant as that? I always love to see that ingenuity. I really like it! HA!