#1
My first offering here, crit4crit as you say;


Verse 1
I feel like I view life in a picture frame,
So detached,
I feel distorted now,
From the paths I've walked,
Which brought me here,
I was never meant to fill this space the way I have,
I was never meant to fuck you,

Chorus
I wish I never developed these strange hungers
I wish I could walk like I did when I was younger,

Verse2
A cog in the machine which could have fit so much better,
A trustworthy being who didn't care for being so,
Almost lost so much,
I was never meant to fuck you,

Chorus
I lost this identity along the way somewhere,
I wish I could see like I did when I was younger,

Mid
Memory of the halo I gave my father back then,
Back when I'd hang off of every word he said,
Did he go through this same distortion as I do?
Will I have a tilting crown too?

Verse 3
Sometimes the picture frame I showed you earlier seems very close,
A mirage of characters to interact with,

Chours
I wish the world would hold onto it's secrets longer,
I wish I felt wonder like I did when I was younger,

Outro verse
So detached, I need to be brought back into focus,
I need to focus on being a trustworthy being,

Outro chorus
Reading back this page makes me feel ugly and bitter,
I wish I had beauty like I did when I was younger,
So detached.


EDIT: Thanks for the crit. I've tried to put it in to more of the format I had imagined
Last edited by TheForge at Mar 16, 2008,
#2
Quote by TheForge
My first offering here, crit4crit as you say;

I feel like I view life in a picture frame,
So detached,
I feel distorted now from paths I've walked which brought me here,
I was never meant to fill this space the way I do,
I was never meant to fuck you,
(This is ok. I dont like the "so detached" line. It seems so out of place, and it breaks the flow. I dont like the simple rhyme of the last two lines either. although the fourth line was very good. I just hated the "do" and "you" rhyme. It seemed very amateur. The third line reads clumsily, I would suggest breaking it in half and making it two lines, because it is a good line, just a bit clumsy to read through. This stanza had some nice ideas and grabbed my attention but I dont feel they were executed as well as they could have been)

I wish I never developed these strange hungers
I wish I could walk like I did when I was younger,
(This time the simple rhyme works. This is good, unique, and surprising.)

I used to love everyone so much it hurt and now I don't even know who they are,
(Hate this. Extrmely cliche, I've heard it too many times before. I think you might be better off taking it out for good as I dont see how it adds to the piece at all. That might just be me though.)

A cog in the machine which could have fit so much better,
A trustworthy being who didn't care for being so,
Almost lost so much, I was never meant to fuck you,
(There is just way too much going on here. Every line has too much in it, break it up a bit so it is easier to retain. Especially the second line.)

I lost this identity along the way somewhere,
I wish I could see like I did when I was younger,
(This is good, nice way of tying it back.)

They used to love me so much it hurt and now they don't even know who I am,
(still dont like it)

Memory of the halo I gave my father back then,
Back when I'd hang off of every word he said,
Did he go through this same distortion as I do?
Will I have a tilting crown too?
(This is perfect. Not too much, not too little, just right. I love it. Very creative, Nothing wrong with this at all.)

Sometimes the picture frame I showed you earlier seems very close,
A mirage of characters to interact with,
(Too much.)

I wish the world would hold onto it's secrets longer,
I wish I felt wonder like I did when I was younger,
(This is starting to get old. I understand what your trying to do, but youve already got your point across, now its just getting redundant.)

So detached, I need to be brought back into focus,
I need to focus on being a trustworthy being,
(I dont know why, but I really hate this part. It just sounds so childish)

Reading back this page makes me feel ugly and bitter,
I wish I had beauty like I did when I was younger,
So detached.
(Not a very strong ending. You just repeated stuff youve already said many times before.)

This is ok, it really is hit or miss though. some parts are great, and some are just bad. Sorry to be so harsh, I'm probably coming off like a d-bag, but this is just my opinion, so other people might love it.

and thanks for the crit on mine
Last edited by bluesybilly at Mar 16, 2008,