#1
[font="Tahoma"][size="2"]That night, 
there was a storm outside;
blankets of black clouds
were making love 
while bolts of lightening were shimmering between them,
as if two flints were being struck together.
And you held me tight, mumbling 
into my skin,
that storms are distracting and nature was being selfish, 
claiming attention while we are making love.
And I said, jokingly, 
            something always steals my thunder.
The bedroom flashed with yet
another bolt of bright orgasm, and you asked 
if I’ve ever heard a thunder without lightening.
I replied: 
             Yes, of course.
             Just now, in a poorly put
             metaphor.[/SIZE][/FONT]
This is not a pipe
#2
I really enjoyed this. The end made me laugh. The only thing that got me confused was the structure, I didn't understand how it was supposed to be read because of the tabs. Other then that, this was great.

If you get a chance take a look at one of mine.
the links are in my sig.
#6
if I’ve ever heard a thunder without lightening.
I replied:


Wouldn't "I'd" fit better?

anyways, lovely piece Carmel. Don't have another word against it. You know I'd say if I did.
#8
I agree with Jamie on the "I'd". Tenses make more sense that way. The double use of "making love" stood out to me. Not repetitive, though you might think about another way to put it the first or the second time...

Ending is really nice.
#9
I thought about it and I really do think that the original question would have been "Have you ever" and not "Had", so I'm going to leave the "I've" for now. I'll keep thinking about it though.

Anyone want me to check anything? You can PM me or find me on msn.

Thank you all
This is not a pipe
#11
that was really good. the descriptions were top notch, you painted a brilliant picture there. the only thing i didn't like was the word "orgasm" seemed a little...out of place. i don't know, it struck me as blunt. that's just a personal opinion though, i could easily see it working. overall i enjoyed reading it a lot. sorry, i don't have a problem with really any of it...it was all damn good.

lame crit, but if you want mine's in my sig (october)
Member of the We Have Better Taste Than You club
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#12
Quote by carmel_l

Hi Ms. Carmel. Let's do this.

That night,

Ok, I'm gonna stop here. Normally, I don't call out single lines on their own... I'll call them out when doing a stanza... but wow. This was bad. Really bad. Sure there is a 'that' to give it some sort of specificity that is intriguing... but it was bland and generally uninteresting. I'm sure you can come up with some sort of modifier to give it some life.

there was a storm outside;
blankets of black clouds
were making love
while bolts of lightening were shimmering between them,
as if two flints were being struck together.

Good image here. I wasn't really sold on anything up to "making love." Seemed like you jumped from safe to dangerous so quickly here. You went from cloud images to >_> <_< sex. It works. The first line was again a bit bland. I know its setup, but at the same time... make it an interesting set-up, which is what the last lines here did. But your first two lines are a big put-off to the entire piece.

And you held me tight, mumbling
into my skin,
that storms are distracting and nature was being selfish,
claiming attention while we are making love.

Beautiful. ONly problem was the repeat of making love. I know that you did it on purpose... you aren't that careless in your writing... but for me, it just didn't click as well as it should have. Seemed clumsy in some sense of the phrase. I don't really know any alternatives that don't make the piece more "brash" than it already is though.

And I said, jokingly,
something always steals my thunder.

Hate starting on 'and.' I know its mid-action... but, there has to be something else you could do here.

The bedroom flashed with yet
another bolt of bright orgasm, and you asked
if I’ve ever heard a thunder without lightening.
I replied:
Yes, of course.
Just now, in a poorly put
metaphor.

Here is where my main problems came in. A) Orgasm just felt out of place. Seemed like it was almost there for a "shock value" image. I'd re-word it if it were me. B) I'd drop the 'a' in front of thunder... it just reads funny to me. Thunder is singular, so leave it "heard thunder." C) The punch line just didn't sit as well as it should have. I don't typically see your pieces as writing toward punchlines... which seeing you do it is sort of refreshing, I mean you are trying something different. However, your punchline was a bit of a let-down. I can't really explain why... I mean there is nothing technically wrong, it just hit me as a bit "cheesy" and it generally made me go... "damn, should have gone with something else here." You had a lot of nice set-up here, the image you built was class... but, it just seemed to be sub-par and not witty enough to justify all the build up.



I liked it, I didn't loved it. Like C) above said, a more witty and spectacular punchline could make this piece much more amazing.

If you could comment/bump Jack Cuervo it would be much appreciated.

-zach
#13
Quote by carmel_l
[font="Tahoma"][size="2"]That night, 
there was a storm outside;
blankets of black clouds
were making love
while bolts of lightening were shimmering between them,
as if two flints were being struck together.
[B]Beautiful opening. the imagery was really strong imo. especially lines 2&3. As simple as they can seem, I am a big fan of them.[/B]

And you held me tight, mumbling
into my skin,
that storms are distracting and nature was being selfish,
claiming attention while we are making love.
And I said, jokingly,
something always steals my thunder.
The bedroom flashed with yet
another bolt of bright orgasm, and you asked
if I’ve ever heard a thunder without lightening.
I replied:
Yes, of course.
Just now, in a poorly put
metaphor.
[B]
I would do without the "a" in front of thunder near the end. I liked this all. but I was unsure of the ending at first, and still am. It seems like I wanted to read it as
I replied :
"Yes, of course. Just now."
in a poorly put metaphor.

Apart for the little confusing bit at the end, which is a minor deal, I really loved this. Great piece of writing .[/B]
[/SIZE][/FONT]


<3333