#1
A new, minor-y slow thing I've been working on. Any and all tips welcome!

Verse 1
The broken, open sky seems calmer now, I dont know why
the clouds have lost their reddish glow
and dotted stars dont map our faces
Theyll never watch us again

Too true the thoughts that slipped
Our every whisper is eclipsed
and passers-by might not agree
but tonight the lake doesnt quite shine
It'l never shine so bright again

Chorus
I go to leave but you take my hand
and you tell me to wait
It seems like were back to a year ago
So long since the stars lit your face
your face....

Verse 3
Cant make the same mistake a seventh time
our only crime
was dropping off the edge of space
dont break the rules the victory's sweeter
We thought we could do nothing wrong

Chorus
I go to leave but you take my hand
and you tell me to wait
It seems like were back to a year ago
So long since the stars lit your face
your face...

Outro
What's left? Nothing's left
These walls, open space
The time, standing still...

No songs, no regrets
No words, broken speech
just light: blinding light.
#2
Verse 1
The broken, open sky seems calmer now, I dont know why
the clouds have lost their reddish glow
and dotted stars dont map our faces
Theyll never watch us again
I liked the first three lines a lot. Hated the last one. Really cliche and it's too blunt, especially when the first three are so descriptive.

Too true the thoughts that slipped
Our every whisper is eclipsed
and passers-by might not agree
but tonight the lake doesnt quite shine
It'l never shine so bright again
I'm not really getting any meaning out of this... I have no idea what you're saying tbh. The rhyme is nice, and I like the fourth line. Don't like the repetition of shine though.

Chorus
I go to leave but you take my hand
and you tell me to wait
It seems like were back to a year ago
So long since the stars lit your face
your face....
Eh. It'd sound good sung, I'm sure. This could be so touching and gorgeous, but as it is... it feels uninspired and forced. Expand it I guess.

Verse 3
Cant make the same mistake a seventh time
our only crime
was dropping off the edge of space
dont break the rules the victory's sweeter
We thought we could do nothing wrong
Once again, first three lines are great. The last two are awkward. There needs to be a comma after rules, but if it was me I'd scrap them two lines completely.

Chorus
I go to leave but you take my hand
and you tell me to wait
It seems like were back to a year ago
So long since the stars lit your face
your face...

Outro
What's left? Nothing's left
These walls, open space
The time, standing still...
Not bad. Cliche, yes, but it's workable.

No songs, no regrets
No words, broken speech
just light: blinding light.
The ending is the strongest part I think. I liked it a lot.

Thanks for the words on mine.
O! music: Click (Youtube)


^ Click to see an acoustic arrangement of Ke$ha's 'Your Love is my Drug' - everyone's favourite song.