#1
I know that it has been a while since my last song. It took me a while to come up with this. For those of you that actually read my blogs I decided not to postpone finnishing this song. This is probably the deepest song that I've written and is definately the most meaningful to me. Its definately acoustic. I couldn't picture it any other way, maybe some faint drums in the background. It's kind of like the song Bend the Bracket by Chevelle, which, if you haven't heard it, you should definately download because its a great song and it tells a great message. Anyway, any criticizem is fully appreciated. C4C. Just send me a link or the name and I'll get back to you. Anyway, here it goes:

Intro:
This is the story,
of a broken home.
This is the story,
of broken bones.
This is the story,
of broken toys.
This is the story,
of a broken boy.

Verse 1: (my least favorite of the three)
The blood stained walls,
are closing in.
He screams out loud,
but no one's listenin'.

The screams he hears,
rattle his insides.
No one seems to care,
Every time he cries.

They have made him learn,
just to keep it in.
Cause it seems that no one cares,
or gives a damn about him.

Chorus:
But no one can see,
the thoughts inside his head.
He's walking around,
Wishing they were dead.

And nobody cares,
about him at all.
That carelessness will,
become their downfall.

Verse 2:
A grenade is walking through,
the hallways of the house.
It's contents trapped inside,
'till they come bursting out.

And no one pays heed,
to the danger they are in.
They just ignore it,
won't even look at him.

But he doesn't know,
winning is not his strength.
it wasn't meant to be,
his life long in length...

Chorus:
And no one can see,
the thoughts inside his head.
He's walking around,
wishing they were dead.

And nobody cares,
about him at all.
That carelessness will,
Become his downfall.

Bridge: (singing is in the background of the riff, a little hard to hear)
Thoughts in his head...
wishing...
dead.

Nobody cares...
at all...
his downfall...

Verse 3: (my favorite)
Its pressure is building,
It's almost done.
They're about to be,
where there shines no sun.

He bides his time,
to release this fate.
Picks the hour,
that the walls will break.

As Death closes in,
getting so near,
he says "goodbye,"
not shedding one tear. (pause in singing and all background noise)

(half whispered, half sung)
Instead,
he laughs.

Chorus: (changed)
No one will ever see,
what went on inside his head.
He got his wish,
they were finally dead.

His eyes left open,
were staring into space.
The image of his last smile,
still seen on his face.
(riff ends shortly after "face")

Once again, any crit is appreciated. Crit 4 Crit, just leave me a link or your song's name and i will get back to you A.S.A.P. Thx.
Last edited by grevhead221 at Apr 27, 2008,
#2
Great song, loved the intro. I think "story of a broken boy" would be a great title since it just stood out to me in the intro part but that's up to you. Great job.
#3
Well it's certainly powerful. I found it a little on the angsty side, but keep up the good work.
Ain't Nuthin' But a UG Thang: Generic member of the UG Hip Hop/Guitar Music Equality Illuminati

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#5
I'm going to go through this piece by piece, so it'll probably get pretty lengthy. Sorry about that.

The intro is pretty good. Keep it.

Quote by grevhead221

The blood stained walls,
are closing in.
He screams out loud,
but no one's listenin'.

Blood-stained walls? Really? If that's literal, whatever, but if it's supposed to be figurative, chuck it--it's too angsty.

Quote by grevhead221

The screams he hears,
rattle his insides.
No one seems to care,
Every time he cries.

Really redundant.
But I do like the "rattle his insides" part.

Quote by grevhead221

They have made him learn,
just to keep it in.
Cause it seems that no one cares,
or gives a damn about him.

Again, really redundant. You don't need this part at all.

Quote by grevhead221

Chorus:
But no one can see,
the thoughts inside his head.
He's walking around,
Wishing they were dead.

who is "they"? If it's his thoughts, keep it, but make it clearer.
But if it's the same people you refer to when you say "no one", cut it. that's too angsty.

Quote by grevhead221

And nobody cares,
about him at all.
That carelesness will, (sorry for spelling)
become their downfall.

first of all, it's carelessness. just so you know.
Honestly, you don't need this part at all, because the first part is redundant and the last two lines don't make sense. (Their downfall? That contradicts the assertion that they don't care about this kid.)

Quote by grevhead221

Verse 2:
A grenade walks through,
the hallways of the house.
It's contents trapped inside,
'till they come bursting out.

I do like this stanza. It's probably your strongest. One suggestion though: Maybe change the first line to "A grenade walking through" because that makes it clearer that it's a metaphor for the kid.

Quote by grevhead221

And no one pays heed,
to the danger they are in.
They just ignore it,
won't even look at him.

I don't get why they're in danger if they don't care about him.

Quote by grevhead221

But he doesn't know,
winning is not his strength.
it wasn't meant to be,
his life long in length...

last two lines don't work.

Quote by grevhead221

And nobody cares,
about him at all.
That carelesness will, (sorry, again. lol i could even be right, i don't even know)
Become his downfall.

you changed from "their downfall' to "his downfall". It's better the second time.

Quote by grevhead221

Verse 3: (my favorite)
Its pressure is building,
It's almost done.
They're about to be,
where what shines ain't sun.<is that a bad line? i can easily replace it im just not sure

you don't need this stanza either. the reader gets the message that this kid has had enough of this.
you say "they're" and I again am met with the conflict between your hinting that this will affect other people when you've explicitly stated that no one cares about him.
And yes, that last line doesn't flow.

Quote by grevhead221

He bids his time,
to release this fate.
Picks the hour,
that the walls will finally break.

It should be "bides"
"To release his fate" would be better if you used a different word in place of "release".
you don't need the word "finally". the message is clear without it, and the flow would be better.

Quote by grevhead221

As Death closes in,
getting so near,
he says "goodbye,"
not shedding one tear. (pause in singing and all background noise)

this stanza is unnecessary and way too angsty. It's quite weak as well, because it uses no imagery.

Quote by grevhead221

(half whispered, half sung)
Instead,
he laughs.

not that I don't like dark songs...
but now this kid sounds incredibly derranged.
why is he laughing?

Quote by grevhead221

Chorus: (changed)
No one will ever see,
what went on inside his head.
He got his wish,
they were finally dead.

yeah, I'm guessing you're talking about his thoughts being the things dying. again, the pronoun "they" is way too vague. It sounds like he's killing people.

Quote by grevhead221

His eyes left open,
were staring into space.
The image of his last smile,
still seen on his face.
(riff ends shortly after "face"

you want to avoid stating the obvious.
of course dead eyes don't stare at anything in particular.
#6
Thx for the crit everybody. I just want to make a few things clear because apearently it wasn't as visible as I thought it was. "They" and "No one" are the same group of people. It can be his family, his community, whatever, but it's all the same group of people. They are in danger BECAUSE they don't care about him. And yes, in the second last stanza he IS killing, or at least harming, other people, not just himself. I just wanted to make those points a little clearer. I'm not trying to sound like a d*** either, I just wanted to make sure that people were getting the right message. Once again, thx for the great crit so far.
#7
Well, I guess it conveys a message, and a fairly strong one... so that's good.

however, on the technical/execution side of things, this was atrocious. Please forgive me if I am being too blunt, but if no one says this, you won't learn from anything. Your phrasing and word choice are terribly cliche. They are the type of phrases and general colloquialisms that one can find in pretty much any "angry" song out there. There is nothing here to set this apart as a more lyrically impressive and 'original' song. Simply put, this is bland. Sure, you wrote with emotion, which makes the piece personal... but there is nothing here that reaches out to the reader/listener to make them think... "Wow, he's doing something new" or "wow, his writing is impressive." Even more bluntly and simply put, this is something Nickelback could write and make into a single. Sure, you can take that as a compliment, and it is in some sort of way... the content is there... however, Nickelback also isn't writing anything that is new and exciting... they stick to the same formula that has worked since the early 90's. So take from this what you will... but I didn't really enjoy this becuase I felt like I had read this piece 100's of times before, just written by different people but in the same general manner.

Thakns for getting to mine, and if this doesn't make sense, feel free to PM me and ask for more explanation.

-zC
#8
Okay i sort of understand where you're coming from, but i honestly don't think it's THAT bad. Yes, you are right, it can get cliche in some parts, but I don't think nickleback would even come close to this as far as not being cliche is involved. And i'm not trying to be 100% original, i'm just trying to get a personal message across. I guess i'm kind of making myself sound like a d*** that can't take crit, but i do understand what you are saying... to a certain point. But i just don't completely agree with you 100%. I really appreciate the crit and I will try to be a little more original next time i write something. Again, I just wanted to say what i felt about your crit, I'm not trying to sound like a d***. I think i'm just in a bad mood tonight. Oh well. Once again, i really appreciate the crit, thx.