#1
idk what to think of this. its a real personal piece and whenever i write personal pieces they tend to suck. i wrote it on the spot in like 15 minutes and haven't edited anything yet so its kind of raw.


I met you in the green grass tunnel
on a day
kind of like
today.
You were wearing that
summer smile,
but vaguely.
You were talking like
a washing machine,
I remember quite
loudly;

We ate insects with
plastic silverware
and you laughed off
the ants in the
cracks of my teeth,
I jumped in the pond
and you were
quick to follow me.

Now I still see you,
but when i do the conversation
is lacking and we are
no longer jumping into ponds
or rolling around silently
in the green grass tunnel.

We aren't children
anymore,
I don't think.
We watch dramatic
films,
order chinese and
over tip.
We drink wine out of
coffee cups and
toast health insurance
and high credit scores.

The timorous smile
you now wear so meticulously
tricks my thoughts into figure
eights and I no longer know
what to say.

I observe the obscurity of your
movements;
hands fidgeting in your pockets,
searching for chapstick,
an excuse to leave,
but they always come out empty.

It must have be something I have or
haven't said.

I just poured the
wine and took a
sip,
forgotten then,
I had spiked the fingertips.
Last edited by rushmore at Mar 15, 2008,
#4

i met you in the green grass tunnel
on a day
kind of like
today.
you were wearing that
summer smile,
but vaguely.
you were talking like
a washing machine,
i remember quite
loudly;


This part reminds me of some of The Smith's writing. That little awkward "I remember quite loudly."


we ate insects with
plastic silverware
and you laughed off
the ants in the
cracks of my teeth.
i jumped in the pond
and you were
quick to follow me.


This verse doesn't stand out, try and think of some kind of hook.


now i still see you,
but when i do the conversation
is lacking and we are
no longer jumping into ponds
or rolling around silently
in the green grass tunnel.

Sounds too forced and awkward

we aren't children
anymore,
i don't think.
we watch dramatic
films,
order chinese and
over tip.
we drink wine out of
coffee cups and
toast health insurance
and high credit scores.

now the timorous smile
you wear so meticulously
tricks my thoughts into figure
eights and i no longer know
what to say.
i observe desperately
the obscurity of your
movements;

Dude, that's a sick flow.

hands fidgeting in pockets,
searching for chapstick,
an excuse to leave,
but they always come out empty.

it must be
something i have or
haven't said,
so i poured more
wine and took a
sip,
forgotten then,
i had spiked the fingertips.


All in all, it's good. It reads well except for in some parts. Maybe just try adding a few more flows, lol.

Oh, and you should crit mine. Ebb and Flow
#5
this isn't a song its a poem thats why theres no 'hook' but thanks for the crit, ill get to one of yours.
#6
i met you in the green grass tunnel
on a day
kind of like
today.
you were wearing that
summer smile,
but vaguely.
you were talking like
a washing machine,
i remember quite
loudly;

My first concern here is the line breaks, well, the line breaks are the main concern for the entire piece for me. This piece has a real flowly, thought-train sorta feel about it... and you marr that by using too many line breaks. 2/3 word lines don't help prove your point/reinforce it all tbh.

As far as the writing goes: I'd make it 'a' instead of 'the' in the first line. Saying 'the' implies that we as reader should know what the green tunnel is. We don't. Because you reference the tunnel as 'the' later, I think it'd work way better this first time round if you played it out as if you were introducing it to us. I like the 'i remember it quite loudly', but as it is now it feels really awkward coming off the back of the last line.

Interesting start overall though.


we ate insects with
plastic silverware
and you laughed off
the ants in the
cracks of my teeth.
i jumped in the pond
and you were
quick to follow me.

This is really great. The imagery conjured was quite shocking and powerful. The only bit I don't like is 'quick to follow me'. It's so blunt and unimaginative... compared to the previous lines. I would love to see it expanded upon and 'abstracted up' a bit.

now i still see you,
but when i do the conversation
is lacking and we are
no longer jumping into ponds
or rolling around silently
in the green grass tunnel.

This just feels plain awkward. The whole stanza. This is my least favourite stanza out of the whole piece. It dragged down the piece for me.

we aren't children
anymore,
i don't think.
we watch dramatic
films,
order chinese and
over tip.
we drink wine out of
coffee cups and
toast health insurance
and high credit scores.

Perfect. Just gorgeous. The second/third line sets it up so amazingly. I'm lost for words.

now the timorous smile
you wear so meticulously
tricks my thoughts into figure
eights and i no longer know
what to say.
i observe desperately
the obscurity of your
movements;

No complaints again. Reaaaaally good. Love the use of 'timorous'. I'll be sure to use that word in mah vocab now.

hands fidgeting in pockets,
searching for chapstick,
an excuse to leave,
but they always come out empty.

First two lines are pretty good, I don't think overall you convey the idea you're trying to get across too well here. I get it, but it took me a few reads. I think it's the commas. It feels weird.

it must be
something i have or
haven't said,
so i poured more
wine and took a
sip,
forgotten then,
i had spiked the fingertips.

Last line really confused me. Like a whole lot. Could you explain what it means? Great ending otherwise.

Oh, one thing. The first three lines are in present tense, but then you go into past tense. Screwed me up a bit. Meh.

Thanks for the crit on mine btw. Good job.
O! music: Click (Youtube)


^ Click to see an acoustic arrangement of Ke$ha's 'Your Love is my Drug' - everyone's favourite song.
#7
A few things. This is obviously a story, almost prose, told in a certain manner. The structure is killing it though. It's too cut down, it's too short lines, it's unpleasant to read like this.

I also thought it was a bit too long and stretched a bit over the peak, which caused me to feel like I wish it would be over already, however, I really do think it's because of the awful structure.

Now, in regards to the content, I really really liked it. I thought it was unpretentious, not too corny and quite original in some places. There was internal rhyming (that would work better in a different structure, I believe) and it worked.

I thought the sentences, the word choice, everything was well done, except it felt like after you wrote it as a block of text you just randomly hit Enter in random place to make it fit some forced mold.

Just fix that structure up, and this will be quite a solid piece.

Carmel
This is not a pipe
#8
thanks carmel. i see what you are saying with the structure. when im feeling inspired again ill go and fix it.
#9
i owe you a crit.

Quote by rushmore
idk what to think of this. its a real personal piece and whenever i write personal pieces they tend to suck. i wrote it on the spot in like 15 minutes and haven't edited anything yet so its kind of raw.


I met you in the green grass tunnel
on a day
kind of like
today.
You were wearing that
summer smile,
but vaguely.
You were talking like
a washing machine,
I remember quite
loudly;


sometimes i like short lines. they can be great. but i don't here. they just break it up in a way that i don't like. in terms of content, not bad. 'a day kind of like today' is sort of naff, and i don't really get the washing machine simile if i'm honest. it doesn't mean anything to me.

We ate insects with
plastic silverware
and you laughed off
the ants in the
cracks of my teeth,
I jumped in the pond
and you were
quick to follow me.


if this is literal, i like it, because it prefigures the fourth stanza in a neat way. if its metaphor, i just don't really get what it is supposed to be metaphor for.

Now I still see you,
but when i do the conversation
is lacking and we are
no longer jumping into ponds
or rolling around silently
in the green grass tunnel.


this felt a little dry and factual to me. it just feels like a very generic 'then and now' comparison. i'd like it to be more interesting.

We aren't children
anymore,
I don't think.
We watch dramatic
films,
order chinese and
over tip.
We drink wine out of
coffee cups and
toast health insurance
and high credit scores.


i think this was better than the previous stanza in many ways. personally, i'd like to see them combined in a way. i guess structure is always tough with an on the spot piece.

The timorous smile
you now wear so meticulously
tricks my thoughts into figure
eights and I no longer know
what to say.


i liked this. in some ways, 'timorous' and 'meticulously' felt very out of place, like they were there for the sake of it, but it could have been worse and i think there were some nice turns of phrase, such as the 'figure eights'

I observe the obscurity of your
movements;
hands fidgeting in your pockets,
searching for chapstick,
an excuse to leave,
but they always come out empty.

It must have be something I have or
haven't said.

I just poured the
wine and took a
sip,
forgotten then,
I had spiked the fingertips.


i guess that these last few bits are like the rest. its pretty good, its fairly well written, there are some nice turns of phrase but also some words which are slightly out of place and some images which are unclear. i guess on the whole it just left me kind of cold, i never really felt all that engaged by it. i think part of that is possibly the line length, and the rest of it is...i dunno. some poems are engaging and some aren't. i suppose its a subject which is fairly common and doesn't excite me so much, and the way its written just felt quite... dispassionate in a way that didn't really work, and which seemed odd for quite a personal piece.
my name is matt. you can call me that if you like.